My wife has now been diagnosed with dementia.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by brandy43, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. brandy43

    brandy43 Registered User

    Mar 5, 2015
    Having now had confirmation I have had endless bad nights with my wife's fears, she has asked me to promise that she would not referred to the hospital and is happy for the condition to take its natural coarse. I don't know what to do?
  2. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    So sorry that you have had this diagnosis for your wife. There seem to be two schools of thought about seeking help from the memory clinic. I think the success of drug therapy somewhat depends on the type of dementia. My husband has vascular dementia and although we have been to the MC they haven't given him any medication. However others on TP report good results. I think you will need to have a break every now and then so it might be worth contacting Social Services to discuss a carers assessment. Others more knowledgable than me will be along soon.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. seagull50

    seagull50 Registered User

    Dec 13, 2014
    North Devon
    Its really very scary, I was diagnosed 2 weeks before christmas with mixed dementia, im 53. The nights are worse for me, my mind go crazy wondering what is going to happen. I think im still in shock, as your wife will be too. Not sure how long she has known? I think I beat myself up and am expecting too much too soon. Its only because she is so frightened that she feels this way, its 1 hell of a thing to be told, its like drowning inside and not knowing how to come up for air.
    anger and frustration at constantly forgetting conversions, where you were, what you were doing, and the worst where you put it! phone, glasses etc etc. Im so sorry for her its terrifying at the beginning and everyone including carers have a right to be scared, angry and after this part has passed Im hoping I can cope better, as will hopefully yourselves. much love to both of you. I found the verse belw to be oh so very true;

    It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.
  4. brandy43

    brandy43 Registered User

    Mar 5, 2015
    The dilemma.

    My wife's mother and father suffered this nightmare and we gave 24hour care for her mother with the help of respite care when needed. Both parents died in the hospital in which she has been referred for scans etc. Through this she has suffered constant nightmares regarding hospital visits, dementia team visits and doctors appointments. She just wants to be left alone. We both realise that any medication will only slow down the condition as there is no cure, so she seems prefer to let nature take it's course and enjoy what we have for as long as we have. Unfortunately I believe that she left it too long before allowing me to seek help and therefore I am in a bit of a quandary of which way to go?
  5. ITBookworm

    ITBookworm Registered User

    Oct 26, 2011
    So sorry to read your news.

    If you and your wife don't want any further medical tests then it isn't strictly necessary to have them. It is perfectly possible to get help from social services (if for example your wife needed help washing or dressing) without a diagnosis. They should asses what assistance your wife needs and offer help accordingly. The reason that she can or can't do something shouldn't make a difference.

    If perhaps in the future your wife's condition changes in some way where medication could help you can always go back to the doctors at that point.

    Best wishes for the future.
  6. brandy43

    brandy43 Registered User

    Mar 5, 2015
    Thanks for your response.

    The problem is do I respect her wishes or force the issue and have the tests done. At the moment, although heart wrenching, she seems so much happier without the thoughts of further interference to use her words.

  7. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    I can see where she's coming from. If your wife gets an official diagnosis then what changes other than she gets Aricept or something that may prolong it?.
    If as you say you both cared for both her parents then she knows how it'll all pan out, it may be she sees the kindest thing she can do for you is let nature take its course and with the minimum of endless and pointless doctors and hospital appointments which (in my experience) achieve very little if anything.
    I think it's a very brave decision but she would need your support, it is something I personally could do but many people believe the miracle of medication is the only way, fight it for as long as possible at any cost. I know what I'd do but that's just me.
    Whatever you decide never look back.
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello brandy

    There is not much in the way of medication available for your wife as far as the dementia goes so I would be happy agreeing with her as long as she has no pain or severe infection. Most infections can be treated at home with antibiotics.

    I think you are the one who may need help, if not now, then in the future and I'm sure your wife would have no objection to this.

    I suggest you make yourself known to Social Services as a carer , for an assessment, so when you do need help, you will be known to them.
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I would be very careful about making any promises to your wife. Dementia is a long, hard journey and you do not know what you might be promising.

    At the beginning, mum wanted me to promise that she would never go into a home, but, instead, I promised that I would do my very best to do whatever would be the very best for her. She is now, in fact, in a care home - but it is the very best place for her to be. She could not cope with living at home and neither she nor I could cope with her living with my disabled husband and I. She is now content and well looked after, but if I had promised her that she would never go there she might still be neglecting herself, or, more likely, she would be in a CH anyway and I would be feeling really guilty.

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