My Stepmother can't cope any more

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Helenofherts, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. Helenofherts

    Helenofherts Registered User

    Jan 14, 2008

    My father has had Alzeimer's for a few years now and has been looked after by my stepmother. He has practicaly no short term memory and gets very distressed. It has got more and more difficult for her as her health is not very good either. She at last got him some respite care for 2 weeks, she has never been apart from him in years. It was then changed to 1 week. She has decided that she can't have him back. Not an easy decision. Of course the Social Services have told her she has to have him back. She is at the end of her tether and will not be able to look after him. I live some distance from them so I can't do much to help, I also have a teenage son with Autism and severe behavioural problems.
    What will happen if she refuses to take him back? She is seeing her GP tomorrow.
    Thanks for reading this, I hope someone can help.

  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi Helen, welcome to TP.

    No one can force your Stepmum to carry on caring.

    Sometimes respite allows you to see just how draining caring 24/7 can be. Hopefully SS will step in. Do the family have a SW or CPN. They can often assess the situation better.

    I do so feel for your Stepmum. It is so very hard to admit that you need help. She really must open up to her GP, and insist that further respite continues, whilst the situation is under review.

    Please let us know how things develope.
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Helen, and welcome from me too.

    Connie has already given you the answers, your step-mum just has to insist and keep on insisting that she can't cope any more. Social Services have to arrange further respite and sort out long-term care.

    Lots of sympathy for your step-mother, and also for you. It must be very hard for you to cope with, besides having an autistic son to care for.

    Keep in touch, and let us know how it goes.
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    As Connie says: no one (spouse, child, whatever) can be forced to continue with a practical caring role, and I mean that legally not just morally. I'm afraid to say that it sounds like social services are attempting to bully her and it's absolutely unacceptable, although, sadly, not unheard of.

    Assuming that your father is in a private care home, if they can't continue to house him, I would imagine that he would be transferred to an assessment unit until a permanent placement could be found. You're going to have to help her to stay strong - make it clear to social services that you agree with and quite understand her position, otherwise they'll continue to try and weazel their way out.
  5. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hello Helen and welcome to TP.

    I sympathise with you and your step mum's situation. Others here have given you sound advise and I sincerely hope that it is all sorted to your likening. Regards Taffy.
  6. Helenofherts

    Helenofherts Registered User

    Jan 14, 2008
    Thankyou very much for your replies. :)
    I have passed on your words to Margaret, my stepmother. I will phone her later to see how things are going.


  7. Helenofherts

    Helenofherts Registered User

    Jan 14, 2008
    I spoke to Margaret this evening and she now has a letter from her GP saying that she is not well enough to look after my dad. It is in the hands of SS now. She is a bit better this evening, she cried all day yesterday.


  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    That's good news, Helen. At least now SS have to act. I hope you can get it sorted quickly, and Margaret can relax now the pressure is off.
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I`m so pleased for Margaret, Helen. I hope she gives herself time to recover from this ordeal.
  10. Doreen99

    Doreen99 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2008
    Good news, but it's truly appalling that people have to go to the lengths of getting a letter from their GP before SS will accept the fact that they simply cannot cope any longer.

    I hope Margaret will be able to relax a little now, and you, too, because you must have been pretty stressed by the whole episode.
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    I couldn't agree more! One wonders if anyone has thought of studying the COSTS to the community of forcing Carers to keep on caring after they are at the end of their tether?

    It seems to me these Carers most likely have health problems, etc. brought on by stress and these become part of the national expenditure. In other words, by forcing people to "keep on keeping on", do they actually SAVE money - or does it just end up being spent elsewhere in the system????

    I suppose there would just be a NIMBY response to that by those in authority.
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Yes to right Doreen it is , they love to make the person feel truly guilty , because they feeling at they lowest , just can't cope no more they try all the tricks in the books of intimidation.

    Your father must of had an assessment for his needs, before going into the respite home his in now. so don't let them put him into one of those assessment unit

    If you don't mind me saying Jennifer.

    Just that when I had to extend a day for my mother at respite , I phone care home that mum was in to find out if SS had inform them, which they had not .

    Manger of care home said to me that she could not stay any longer as they needed the room for another respite , but if social service rang them they do it.

    Its all down to money .

    also the assessment who was financing respite care home should of been done before going into respite.

    your at the moment Helen, just have to stand up both for Step mother and your father , that he has to stay where he is till they find him a permanent care home .

    Quote them your step mother human rights and your Father human rights in not going into a assessment unit, because an assessment must of been done before he went into that care home.

    Wishing you all the best , let us all know how you get on .

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