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My sister is a thief!

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
I have a problem and am becoming increasingly depressed and don't know what to do.
Recently my sister stole a personal possession from an elderly relative and then when confronted denied it. This started a whole series of irate letters from the 87 year old relative, my sister said she was going to a solicitor, I talked her out of it. Then my sister confessed she had stolen it to my cousin( who has told me recently in confidence ).She said she took it cos it looked "special" and didn't want anyone else getting it. It belonged to my relatives deceased mother and held sentimental value. It was a spoon with amber on it. My sister has a thing about amber. My sister doesn't know I know that my cousin told me. She has had ample opportunity to own up. My mother was very friendly to this relative & now doesn't speak to her. The whole family have turned against this old woman, apart from my own family & my blissfully unaware father. I am being made to feel bad for keeping in contact with her. My mother is adamant that my sister would never do such a thing. ( I hinted to her that perhaps my sister had taken it). And still my sister maintains the elderly relative turned on her for no reason and is slandering this relative to friends and family. At one point in time she had me turned against her as well. I have no idea what to do about any of this. I am scared to confront my sister about the latter matter as she would turn on my cousin. My brother in law is also a bully. He becomes verbally nasty & comes into your personal space if he is ever challenged about things. I have spent the last two days crying. I am currently helping the elderly relative clear her house out as she has gone into a Care home. She is of sound mind just a little physically frail. She doesn't know about my sister's confession to my cousin. My elderly relative's brother recently wrote to my mother saying how disgusted he is with his sister's behaviour and calling her unhinged etc. They were very close, now apparently he is furious with her. Yet she is innocent. It is so wrong. I cant go to the Police and report my sister as I cant prove anthing & I know my sister will deny it all. I know what she is like. She is a very jealous person and very vindictive. If i confront her it will be breaking my cousin's confidence. I am devestated she has behaved in this way and hurt all these people.
Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,454
0
As the old lady has moved out of her home are you clearing it? If so could you search it very carefully for the missing spoon a d then report it as stolen to the police if not found? Getting police to investigate would be hard, but they might. Or perhaps you could let your sister know you intend reporting a theft by persons unknown to the police - at which point the spoon might re-appear by magic. It is a very hard situation for you but do keep supporting the old lady.
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
As the old lady has moved out of her home are you clearing it? If so could you search it very carefully for the missing spoon a d then report it as stolen to the police if not found? Getting police to investigate would be hard, but they might. Or perhaps you could let your sister know you intend reporting a theft by persons unknown to the police - at which point the spoon might re-appear by magic. It is a very hard situation for you but do keep supporting the old lady.
HI Martin, thanks for your reply. I forgot to say this. My sister returned the spoon not long after she was confronted about it, initially she denied having it , then she said she had it , claiming she had no idea how she had got it , that my relative must have given it to her. Then she changed the story saying my relative had said she could have anything from the drawers. This is not true, I was there when my relative said some of drawer contents were going to the Nursing home and some to Canada. As time went on I smelt a rat, then my cousin told me the true version of events. I think if I were to inform the police they would tell me it's a civil matter & consult a solicitor. Also I don't think this is what my elderly relative would want. I am so upset, my mother is annoyed with me and she can't understand why I now I am taking my elderly relatives side. If she only knew the truth about her eldest daughter who holds a very important position in the Community. It's all very surreal and I know my sister has Narsissistic traits but its still not easy.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,067
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Primrose66

Would your cousin, who your sister confessed to, be willing to tell the rest of the family (or even just your mother) what has happened.? Your elderly relative doesn’t deserve any of the treatment. Having narcissistic relatives myself I know how much they can upset family dynamics and how easy it is for an innocent party’s reputation to be tarnished by the false claims of individuals with no conscience.

I expect your sister will then call your cousin a liar and your family members will have to decide who they believe…
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,454
0
Hi @Primrose66 your latest post changes everything. The spoon was borrowed rather than stolen, at least that's all that can be said for sure as we don't know what was in your sister's mind. Now that the spoon has been returned I suggest you try to put the whole thing behind you and try to repair relationships with all your family as well as you can. There is nothing to be gained by stoking the fire.
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
Hi @Primrose66 your latest post changes everything. The spoon was borrowed rather than stolen, at least that's all that can be said for sure as we don't know what was in your sister's mind. Now that the spoon has been returned I suggest you try to put the whole thing behind you and try to repair relationships with all your family as well as you can. There is nothing to be gained by stoking the fire.
Hi Martin, thanks for replying. No the spoon was stolen, not borrowed. I have no intention of stoking fires, an elderly relative has been taken advantage of and is extremely hurt and she's been slandered and was shouted at by my sister in a phone call.
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
Hi @Primrose66

Would your cousin, who your sister confessed to, be willing to tell the rest of the family (or even just your mother) what has happened.? Your elderly relative doesn’t deserve any of the treatment. Having narcissistic relatives myself I know how much they can upset family dynamics and how easy it is for an innocent party’s reputation to be tarnished by the false claims of individuals with no conscience.

I expect your sister will then call your cousin a liar and your family members will have to decide who they believe…
Hi Bunpoots, thanks for replying. Yes that's an idea , however, I dont want to suggest it to my cousin, I dont want her to be in my sister's firing line. She has been through a lot of personal grief recently.
My reputation has also been tarnished and my sister is constantly putting me down, saying my left hand doesnt know what my right hand is doing. My mother says this as well. I am very shrewd and because I am a quiet person they seem to think they can push me about. I know everything about what's going on in the family, I am on top of all my personal affairs and hold down a job as a professional. For them to say this is unfair and mean. It's said in a mocking way. No idea why( I suspect it's my sisters way of undermining me).
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,421
0
High Peak
OK.... there's only one person who has done anything wrong here (and caused all this upset) and that's your sister. Now she has returned the spoon, it's pretty ridiculous to say she didn't know how she got it. (And then she contradicts this by saying your elderly relative said she could have anything in the drawers.) Your mother really should be able to see this behaviour for what it is.

However, there's also the role of the cousin. I appreciate you don't want to get her in trouble with your sister, but she spilled the beans and has to take some responsibility for that! You are getting all the blame for this and that's completely unfair. Maybe your cousin could speak privately to your mother and possibly the elderly lady's brother too and tell them what she told you. Don't involve the sister or the elderly relative, just make sure everyone knows what actually happened. But I would also seek to draw a line under this if you can.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,454
0
Hi Martin, thanks for replying. No the spoon was stolen, not borrowed. I have no intention of stoking fires, an elderly relative has been taken advantage of and is extremely hurt and she's been slandered and was shouted at by my sister in a phone call.
What I should have explained is that theft is taking something with the intention of permanently depriving the owner of it. Now that it has been returned there is no proof or even evidence that your sister intended to permanently deprive the old lady of the spoon. So you could not prove theft.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,008
0
If I was in your position I would now let the whole thing drop. Your aunt has got the spoon back, you know who took it and the person who took it knows that you know but it is impossible to prove unless you force the cousin to speak up.

Also you only have your cousins word that your sister told her that, perhaps your cousin took it and is implicating your sister. How can you prove anything.

Far too complicated and it will stir up a whole lot of nastiness through the family.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
216
0
Could you perhaps tell your elderly relative’s brother at least? I feel so sorry for this old lady - she’s done nothing wrong and now has her whole family against her (except you, of course). And probably no-one to visit her in the care home. I know you have your reasons for keeping quiet but I think you and your cousin together should tell the truth and shame the devil. Or give your sister one last chance to come clean by herself or you’ll do it for her.
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
Could you perhaps tell your elderly relative’s brother at least? I feel so sorry for this old lady - she’s done nothing wrong and now has her whole family against her (except you, of course). And probably no-one to visit her in the care home. I know you have your reasons for keeping quiet but I think you and your cousin together should tell the truth and shame the devil. Or give your sister one last chance to come clean by herself or you’ll do it for her.
Thank you.
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
If I was in your position I would now let the whole thing drop. Your aunt has got the spoon back, you know who took it and the person who took it knows that you know but it is impossible to prove unless you force the cousin to speak up.

Also you only have your cousins word that your sister told her that, perhaps your cousin took it and is implicating your sister. How can you prove anything.

Far too complicated and it will stir up a whole lot of nastiness through the family
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
If I was in your position I would now let the whole thing drop. Your aunt has got the spoon back, you know who took it and the person who took it knows that you know but it is impossible to prove unless you force the cousin to speak up.

Also you only have your cousins word that your sister told her that, perhaps your cousin took it and is implicating your sister. How can you prove anything.

Far too complicated and it will stir up a whole lot of nastiness through the family.
Thank you
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
Could you perhaps tell your elderly relative’s brother at least? I feel so sorry for this old lady - she’s done nothing wrong and now has her whole family against her (except you, of course). And probably no-one to visit her in the care home. I know you have your reasons for keeping quiet but I think you and your cousin together should tell the truth and shame the devil. Or give your sister one last chance to come clean by herself or you’ll do it for her.
Thank you
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
OK.... there's only one person who has done anything wrong here (and caused all this upset) and that's your sister. Now she has returned the spoon, it's pretty ridiculous to say she didn't know how she got it. (And then she contradicts this by saying your elderly relative said she could have anything in the drawers.) Your mother really should be able to see this behaviour for what it is.

However, there's also the role of the cousin. I appreciate you don't want to get her in trouble with your sister, but she spilled the beans and has to take some responsibility for that! You are getting all the blame for this and that's completely unfair. Maybe your cousin could speak privately to your mother and possibly the elderly lady's brother too and tell them what she told you. Don't involve the sister or the elderly relative, just make sure everyone knows what actually happened. But I would also seek to draw a line under this if you can.
Thank you
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
If I was in your position I would now let the whole thing drop. Your aunt has got the spoon back, you know who took it and the person who took it knows that you know but it is impossible to prove unless you force the cousin to speak up.

Also you only have your cousins word that your sister told her that, perhaps your cousin took it and is implicating your sister. How can you prove anything.

Far too complicated and it will stir up a whole lot of nastiness through the family.
thank you
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
Could you perhaps tell your elderly relative’s brother at least? I feel so sorry for this old lady - she’s done nothing wrong and now has her whole family against her (except you, of course). And probably no-one to visit her in the care home. I know you have your reasons for keeping quiet but I think you and your cousin together should tell the truth and shame the devil. Or give your sister one last chance to come clean by herself or you’ll do it for her.
Thank you, yes I am going to email the brother in Canada. I am also going to confront my sister & tell her I know she did it based on the conflicting versions of events she gave me.
 

Primrose66

Registered User
Mar 30, 2016
25
0
OK.... there's only one person who has done anything wrong here (and caused all this upset) and that's your sister. Now she has returned the spoon, it's pretty ridiculous to say she didn't know how she got it. (And then she contradicts this by saying your elderly relative said she could have anything in the drawers.) Your mother really should be able to see this behaviour for what it is.

However, there's also the role of the cousin. I appreciate you don't want to get her in trouble with your sister, but she spilled the beans and has to take some responsibility for that! You are getting all the blame for this and that's completely unfair. Maybe your cousin could speak privately to your mother and possibly the elderly lady's brother too and tell them what she told you. Don't involve the sister or the elderly relative, just make sure everyone knows what actually happened. But I would also seek to draw a line under this if you can.
Thanks for your advice! Yes that's a good idea, about seeing if my cousin would speak to my mother & the brother.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
216
0
Thank you, yes I am going to email the brother in Canada. I am also going to confront my sister & tell her I know she did it based on the conflicting versions of events she gave me.
Best of luck to you, doing the right thing is often the most difficult option. I hope your sister is sensible and owns up.