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My sister HAS stopped me seeing my mum. Its pure hell.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Doormat, May 6, 2015.

  1. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,839
    England
    You are discovering that when people are driven by greed they will tell any number of lies to shut out people who are, from their POV, ' not to be trusted'. :( You are a threat to them. She probably hasn't contacted the police. It was just said to scare you away.

    I worked for a bullying manager who was always telling me that I had upset people. If I asked who they were she would play the confidentiality card. I went to see one manager she said I had upset, in order to apologise and put things right. That nice lady had not been offended at all and, bless her, literally gave me a shoulder to cry on. I swear, you get to the point where you don't know which was is up when you are being bullied.

    You are being bullied, dear Doormat, and so is your mum, from what you say of their long-standing campaign to control her. She had a right to see you and your daughter. Perhaps your daughter could make some further enquiries while you are recovering from the latest psychological attack.

    I would recommend that you make friends with the CH manager. She must have seen that all went well on your visit, or other staff can report this back to her. Ideally you want it recorded that mum benefits from seeing you, and wants to see you. Get back to the SW and tell them that you want to go on seeing your mum but have been warned off by your aunt and sister. You may need a more formal contact agreement in place that stops the bullies from barring you from the CH.

    In the meantime, send your mum a nice card saying it was lovely to see her, see you again soon, lots of love. I am sure this will give her pleasure and it will remind the staff that she has a wider family who care about her.
     
  2. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    #

    Thank you, I really appreciate your response and sorry to hear about your experience. They, my sister and aunt did contact the police and the police phoned me to warn me to stay away and if I see them in the future I have to turn my head the other way. I was so humiliated because I have done nothing to warrant this. My Aunt has written to my daughter to tell her to stay away as her gran was very upset and in the letter she also told her the photos taken to my mum were taken out of the frame and put to the bottom of the drawer. The CH staff were all around when we were there and they could see how delighted my mum was and she showed the staff the photos. I will write a nice card and send it but I've been doing that since all of this started (2 years and 8 months ago. I dont think my mum has had any of them. My birthday was last week I wonder if she gave me a thought!

    I guess by writing this because I'm looking for an easy solution. I dont think there is one. In essence when my mum went to the solicitor and took my name off the POA and handed it to my aunt. She supposedly did it with her own free will. In my heart I know she didn't. My mum can be a very stubborn woman and quite fit, maybe it was her decision. I'll probably never know. In the meantime my sister and aunt are making sure there is no money left. I know I have said I dont care about the money but what was it I did so bad to those people who are going to such lengths to make me miserable and why do they think they can justify spending what will be in time my inheritance? And why do they think splitting up a mother and daughter is the right thing to do? Questions and more questions.

    Sorry about the moan.
     
  3. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    625
    Female
    Oh my goodness. I have only just read all the way through and it could almost be me writing all this!! Such a similar situation although mine is even worse as has now gone to court although I currently have my Mum here with me, my sister is trying to go through the court system to get her back with her where she was financially abused. Unfortunately you may not be able to read all of my original thread as due to it going to court a lot of it was removed. I too was removed from my Mothers life and it also happened with my late Father - both times by my sister and her various cronies. I do not understand why anyone could try and stop anyone seeing their parents but it happens and its happened to me twice. I know exactly how you are feeling and I send you virual hugs. I truly hope you can find a way to keep strong and positive good will come of all this and you will be able to see your Mum and build up a relationship again with her. Its really tough and I don't have any answers for you but maybe it will help you to know you are not alone in all of this as its happened to me too. xxxxx
     
  4. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    Court Costs?

    Thank you so much for your post it is comforting to know that I'm not alone but it's awful that this is happening and people are getting away with it. I cant tell you how many tears I've cried, the nights sleep lost and the happy days I have lost with my two kids. They are both down the road in their careers and making a wonderful life and they are sad that they can't share this with their gran and it also affects them knowing that I'm not the happiest mum in the world. I too have been doing well with many things and would love nothing better than to tell my mum. Anyway moving on you say the matter is in court. How is that all going and if you dont mind me asking how much its costing?
    You don't have to answer this next question but I feel I must ask. You say you are being taken to court by your sister as she wants to see her mum so I'm guessing you have put a stop to their relationship. You will have your reasons but the question to answer is this the right thing for your mum?
    I'm only asking because if I did get my mum back again, naturally I would want to hurt my sister with anything and everything. I'm bitter at the moment so not thinking straight but I'd like to think I could do the right thing for my mum.
    Just to add on to my story the SW do not want anything to do with family feuds
    which I totally understand but who in this world do you turn to when things are wrong? I thought you could turn to family!!
     
  5. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Do you know that they really did ring the police? Why on earth woud the police tell you to stay away from your own mother without some evidence of maltreatment or similar?

    Surely I this occurred after your visit to the care home, then the care home would have been contacted as to your * behaviour* ( sorry not the right word) whilst visiting.

    I reall don't think the care home would simply collude with your sister.

    Ask for this 'warning' from the police in writing, and the justification for the warning.

    Is it possible that the police call was a hoax? I really cannot believe that the police would want to be involved- after all, what crime had been commited? none.

    Wouldn't they , had they really officially wanted to ban you, had to have applied for n injunction? No policeman in the land would tell you that you had to look the other way when walking down the street. PLEASE ring the police station and ask or ths in writing- you could well be looking at someone impersonating a policeman here- certainly sounds like it to me.
     
  6. CynthsDaugh

    CynthsDaugh Registered User

    May 5, 2015
    140
    Salford, Lancashire
    I agree - I would have thought they would need to an official warning like that face to face. Easy to pretend behind a phone, and does sound a bid dodgy to me. Did they give a name as in 'PC Bloggs'? I would check this out - if it is someone trying it on to keep you away, impersonating a police officer is an actual offence!

    I feel for you going through this.
     
  7. Karjo

    Karjo Registered User

    Jan 11, 2012
    481
    Forgive me if I have got this wrong (sometimes i read too quickly) but if we ignore all personality clashes, feuds etc the the possibility is your Mum may be being financially abused by your sister and your Mum's sister. You say you reported this to the office of the public guardian over a year ago but did not hear back.
    Is it worth getting back to them to check if they followed up your concerns, or maybe they have simply lost your enquiry. You say you have proof regarding a loan your sister had and did not repay. it may have just been a gift in which case though it seems desperately unfair it may be your mum wanted this, though hopefully she is not depriving herself of her assets if she is self funding. I know you say she has plenty of money but self funded care is very expensive and the money may run out. Did you let the office of the public guardian see your evidence of it being a loan.
    Also you are, I think, justifiably concerned over any future inheritance if your sister is frittering money away that is not hers. Maybe start a new post regarding abuse of the elderly under power of attorney may get you a different response rather than not being allowed to see your Mum which as you are out numbered by family does throw you in a possible bad light because of course we don't know you or what your sisters version of events would be.
    But if your mum is genuinely being defrauded and this is not just sour grapes of some sort then you really should be doing something because surely this may be a crime, even though sadly it is family.
     
  8. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    Thank you for your post. I never thought about the police phone call being a hoax. Sorry if I've given the wrong wording but this incident was after the visit and wasnt anything to do with the Care Home. It was when I unfortunately met, my two aunts and sister on the street. They were alarmed to see me that was for sure and they would have carried on walking but I stopped them to ask why I'm barred from seeing my mum. They claimed to the police that I harassed them. The policeman on the phone asked that if I see them again I have not to approach them or say anything that would give them good reason to phone the police again.

    The very fact that they phoned the police has made a bad thing even worse. This is my sister and aunts to whom I have never done anything wrong. My mum and I were very close until her husband died and left her money. I didnt think I had a sister who would do anything to get her hands on the money and I didnt think for a second that my aunt would take side. The other aunt is on her own and rely's on their company so her course of action is to stay on their side.

    Its a family feud about money. Keeping me apart from my mum gives them free reign to do what they like. My mum's home is their holiday pad for weekend use. And there's nothing I can do about it.
     
  9. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    Thank you for your post. I have contacted the OPG and been told there were a few problems at the start of their investigation but that's now sorted out. They have copies of everything I have and they say that they are happy with how things are shaping up and are due to conclude the investigation. I understand from the SW that my mum is self funding and when her finances reach £26,000 they will look into financing the care home she is in. There is a possibility that she may be moved to another care home but that will be some time away.

    My mum was assessed as being incapable of looking after herself in Sept 2014 and my sister (who has no money) bought her second new car in Oct 2014. I advised the OPG and they said the POA had agreed to the car. I dont know what you think but I think it stinks. My money grabbing sister doesnt give a dam about my mum and spending 25K suggests to me she doesnt care if my mum has to move CH in the future. I care but can do nothing to stop it.

    You are quite right in pointing out there are two sides to a story and the sour grapes etc is all there to be questioned. But the point is that no one is questioning me, no one is telling me why I'm in this position. I'm in shock and it hurts.
     
  10. Karjo

    Karjo Registered User

    Jan 11, 2012
    481
    You mention they are using her house as a holiday home. I wonder how they justify this as being in your Mum's best financial interests. Council tax, tv licences, heating , insurances , water bills, phones etc all add up as if your mum were still living there so it is hard to see how they justify it and it is quite likely a deprivation of assets. Its the same with buying a car-maybe for taking your Mum out and about it have been justified but I have p of a for my Mum and visit very regularly but would not consider buying a car for myself. Maybe a cheap run about but £25000-no way.
    We decided to rent mums house even though it would have been handy for people visiting to stay but the expenses of running the property made this unviable and standing empty is just not practical.
    To be honest it sounds like they are just winging it. They probably dont like the thought of her money going on care fees so they are chancing their luck and helping themselves? They may get caught out and suffer the consequences but at least you are in the clear. They may be lucky and profit from it. You can either fight it or walk away with your head held high. Hopefully your children sound like they can look after themselves and you can be proud of them. You may feel you need to fight as they are being denied their chance of an inheritance and contact wirh their grandmother but if you ask them they are probably not too bothered. I think a lot of our young uns now days are happy and proud to support themselves (my kids certainly do) rather than see their Mum's dragged through this sort of thing to get an inheritance. They also have their own lives to lead and probably just dont want hassle, especially if they are working hard. You have tried your best for your Mum but you deserve a chance of happiness nearer your family, life is short. Its just that sense of injustice and wondering about your Mum though that makes it so hard.
     
  11. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I agree too, and also there would have to be a written record of the 'warning' plus you would need to be told in writing what would be the consequences if you did not comply. Please contact the police directly and I think you will find this is not true...the bit about turning your head away doesn't sound like any kind of legal terminology either.
     
  12. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    625
    Female
    Hi. No you misunderstood me so just to quickly confirm I am having to go through the court process as my sister wants to be deputy for mums finances, health, welfare and get a deprivation of liberty order in place to control where mum lives (she's currently very happy with me at home), and who she sees and has contact with. Previously mum was living with her but very unhappy and being financially abused and mot being allowed contact with me. Mum then moved in with me. If my sister is granted this she would in effect totally remove me out of my mum life and not allow me contact ever again!!! I am fighting this but it is total hell with keep having to go to court where nobody appears to read the evidence myself or social services have submitted which would make the everything blatantly obvious!! The whole situation is totally ridiculous.

    I so wish you well and hope you find a way through this so you can have regular contact with mum. Xxhugsxx
     
  13. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    Thank you for your post. When the police phoned they advised firstly that as this was not a criminal offence they really couldn't get involved but the fact that my sister phoned them and complained about my alleged conduct they were merely advising that to save any future situations which may escalate to a criminal offence that I should avoid any contact.

    May I add as a human being who has been to hell and back that in truth I would dearly love to punch my sister in the face so perhaps the officer was correct with his advice. I would also like to add that I have never hit nor ever had thoughts of any sort of violence. I'm shocked at my thoughts.
     
  14. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    Thank you so much for your post as you have hit the nail on the head on so many parts. I agree that they cant use the house as a holiday home but they are and who do I tell?

    I've told the OPG about the 25K car and they said it was agreed with the POA who is colluding with my sister. Who tells the OPG and the POA and my sister that this isnt right?

    My sister has 'winged it' all of her life, never worked either and her husband is an out or work tradesman. (I've got to add that he's a very good tradesman) My aunt and her husband are serious gamblers and indeed still works (aged 70) in a betting shop.

    Do you see where I'm coming from? They prefer to put my mum at risk rather than me having any say.

    They probably dont want the money to be spent on care for my mum but it's my mum's money and she should be in a 5 star hotel. The POA is not looking after my mum's best interest but the OPG are happy with the progress!

    We put our house on the market last week and it sold in 24 hours. So I guess the best course of action is to move south to be nearer my kids.

    I will just have to accept that the villains have won. Unless some higher being steps in and gives them a conscience. It's made me think twice about ever having a POA.
     
  15. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    17
    Oh I hope you didn't take anything I wrote the wrong way as there was no intention to hurt but I guess I am trying to work out how I'd feel in your shoes and it's difficult to communicate in this way as I'm not really good at explaining myself. My heart goes out to you and I feel deeply sorry for your hellish time in your mums twilight years. Every day with her should be filled with memories and happy days not court battles with some money grabbing, selfish person. (that's not the word I want to use).

    Court cases are very frustrating and from what I understand they can be quite wrong. This is mainly why I don't want to go down that road.
     
  16. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    331
    Ontario canada
    I think it is great that you sold your house in a couple of days. Someone is looking after you!! Move closer to your kids. I did, and I've never looked back! I am so much happier! Life is too short for the drama. Sounds like you could use some peace and tranquility. Karma will bite all the nasties....it ALWAYS does:cool:
    CRole
     
  17. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    Your family are a nightmare and its all about money. I know its hard but i would forget they exist and try to visit your mum as often as you can. If you see them in the street ignore them. The only thing that really matters in this is your mum.

    I have the opposite problem. My money grabbing sister has abandoned our mum now she is in a care home. She has bled mum for over 20 thousand pounds in the last 4 years. Mum made me poa and i visit 4 times a week and pay all her bills. Once mum no longer had a bank card sis left. I keep record of every penny spent to mske sure i can never be accused by her of mismanagement. Its horrible when your family lets you down but hurt and anger only hut yourself. Invest in your mum. Forget the rest even though it is unjust. Thinking of you.
     
  18. Karjo

    Karjo Registered User

    Jan 11, 2012
    481
    I know I said maybe its better to walk away but I keep fuming on your behalf imagining myself in a similar situation. I am not recommending as I have no real knowledge or experience of this other than trying to run a p of a for my mum where i definately also look at any interests of future beneficiaries to a will as well. I try to look after Mums best interests but always assume on her death that my decisions could be challenged. I try to keep a balance even though sometimes I seem to have all the work which will never be appreciated by beneficiaries of her will, or indeed my mum. Not likely in the least they would challange but who knows what the future holds. Do you know if your Mum has a will and if you are included?
    If you google abuse of power of attorney or financial abuse of the elderly there are links to lawyers who can advise. We had to go to a lawyer at one stage for my mum and we received excellent advice about likely charges etc. we even went back to the same lawyer recently and she did not charge. But She again offered excellent advice and we were able to advise her of the outcome which was also a learning curve for her.
    Maybe approach a lawyer, have your case put very simply with factst that explain things in a nutshell. Time is money for them . They do not want personalities , family feuds or prima donnas, just clear cut facts that can be backed up with evidence. You may find then a simple letter fron a lawyer may stop this abuse without it ever reaching court . The charity Mind recommended or at least pointed us in the right direction. Age concern or even the alzheimers line may be able to help.
     
  19. Karjo

    Karjo Registered User

    Jan 11, 2012
    481
    Ps to my previous just now, the cost of the lawyer for advice and a letter/email/phone call that rectified the problem we were battling was £250. Money well spent and the next advice was FOC. May give you an idea of charges but they should tell you up front.
     
  20. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Having read through, I am sad that this situation has arisen.

    I am mystified by the phone call supposedly from the police. I find it difficult to get my head around this. To me it sounds odd that a genuine police officer would phone you and warm you off and then tell you to look the other way if you met the POA in the street.

    Even if they did do this, it cannot be legal binding in any way, as surely they are only taking sides. Such a warning would, I'm sure, not be delivered by phone but rather in a face to face interview. I can't think that the police would be judge and jury in this matter, acting on one person's complaint, without speaking to you.

    The more I am writing, the more I feel this is not a genuine call from the police. If it were me, I would be calling the police to check out who made the call and on what grounds they are giving you this warning. If indeed, the call didn't come from the police, then I am sure they would take a dim view of someone impersonating a police officer, although I'm sure that POA would deny such a call!
     
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