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My sister HAS stopped me seeing my mum. Its pure hell.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Doormat, May 6, 2015.

  1. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    My sister HAS managed to stop me seeing my mum. It's a mess.
    I typed in google search 'My sister has stopped me seeing my mum,' and thankfully this site came up and I'm grateful for all the comments on what to do but I'm not sure any of them will work for me. I've contact the SW but got no where, I dont want to see a lawyer. I am 58 years old, married with two successful kids. I've always had a wonderful relationship with my mum which has irked my sister throughout the years but it wasnt really anything to address. She's never bothered much with my mum and in fact she has said in the past she cant really stand her. Things changed 3 years ago when my step father died leaving my mother very well off and from that point life has been hell. My mother was at the early stages of dementia and her head was easily turned, she was delighted to finally get some attention from my sister. Cutting a long story short my mum's sister and mine get on well they have always been good friends with each other. They joined forces to have me put out. I was very confused and hurt especially as my mum didn't back me up. I was distraught to receive a lawyers letter asking for the bank passwords. All I can think of is they wanted me out because of the money. They changed my mums phone number and then they moved her in with my sister. My sister hangs up when I phone. I have only managed to speak to my mum 3 times last year when she phoned me, while my sister was out. She said she didnt want to rock the boat because they would put her in a home. I learned yesterday, through facebook, that she is now in a home and I learned today that my daughter, son and I have been barred from visiting her at the home by instruction from my aunt (the POA). How can anyone ever think that splitting up a mother and daughter is the correct thing to do? How can they say that a grand daughter and grandson cant speak to their gran. I'm so hurt and anxious, I can't believe my own sister and aunt could stoop so low. I can't think straight, no idea who to turn to. It seems this scenario is more common than we care to think about. Bottom line......Is my mum alright? Does she want to see me and her grand children? Is this how it is? Is this the legacy I've got to live with for the rest of my life? Why?
  2. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Oh dear DM, I am so sorry that this has happened. As if life isn't hard enough without this situation.

    Could you find out the reason why your sister and your aunt consider it to be in your mum's best interests to stop you and your family from seeing her?

    My understanding of Power of Attorney is to act in the best interest of the person, and therefore I would question why your aunt feels that this is in your mums best interests. Could you use a solicitor for this? If your aunt's motives are questionable, maybe a complaint to the office of the public guardian.

    These are just my first thoughts, but maybe someone will come along with better experience on this.

    By the way, welcome to TP.
  3. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    North Manchester
    Do you know if the Power of Attorney is for 'Property and Financial Affairs' or 'Health and Welfare'?

    The first one does not give the attorney any control over how the donor (your mum) lives her life.

    You could ask the care home if they have had sight of a registered P&FA LPA and also say that you would like to visit your mum. You could offer that, on at least the first visit, a member of their staff could be present to ensure that your presence did not upset your mum.

    If there is not a P&FA in assistance and you mum is not unduly disturbed - some emotion is to be expected - it would make it far harder for the home to ban future visits.
  4. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    Many thanks for your welcome, it's a great pleasure to find somewhere to turn in this very dark time. My emotional state has taken a battering. Im worried about bringing in a solicitor, it seems to add to the tension and it's the last thing I want to bring to my mum's door at this stage. I've already informed the public guardian about my sister's foreign holidays (note the plural) and including some at 5 weeks away. Also that she's just bought a brand new car even although she has no money! I haven't heard anything back from the Public Guardian in over a year. I know this could sound like sibling rivalry but I can assure you it's not.
  5. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    Many thanks for your response. I have no idea what type of POA is in existence. I know that my sister and I were joint POA over the financial affairs but my aunt went behind my back and had me removed. I understand she is the sole POA. I will check up on this as soon as possible.
    I hope seeing my mum wouldn't be too upsetting for her. My daughter is flying up from England so keeping fingers crossed it may well be a nice meeting just like it used to be.
    Thank you again for your post.
  6. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    do something

    First thing get in touch with a solicitor . get some advice .( DO NOT) tell them what you are doing . be strong. they will advice you has what to do . don't let this lie she is you mam . all the best
  7. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    Would it be legal for your Aunt to do this, without your consent? I do feel you need legal advice (whether from a solicitor or from CAB, if funds won't run to consultation with a lawyer).
  8. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    North Manchester
    From your comments I think you may live in Scotland, if this is correct my comments about LPA (Lasting Power of Attorney) should really refer to Continuing Power of Attorney.

    I think the two are broadly similar but there are probably subtle differences.

    With an LPA the H&W LPA does not come into force until the donor has lost capacity, I think the same applies to the equivalent in Scotland.
  9. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    I'm not sure but I think it would probably have had to be my mum who changed who was her POA. She may have been put under some pressure from my aunt and sister but I doubt I could prove it. I am pretty disgusted that my family members, people you think you can trust can be so devious. My aunt has taken away my basic right and that is to look after my mum. I will take your advice and go to the CAB, thank you for your post.
  10. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    Many thanks for posting I appreciate it. Yes I do live in Scotland.
  11. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    #11 Jessbow, May 7, 2015
    Last edited: May 7, 2015
    I think they would have o have pretty good reason to tell the nursing home you were not allowed to visit.

    Any idea on what grounds this has been stipulated? how did you find this out?

    What happened at the point at which your step father died to change things?

    you say 'put you out'- did you live with them/her?
  12. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    Thank you for your post. Firstly I found out my mum had been put in a home through a posting on Facebook which I might add is a pretty horrendous way to find out. My daughter phoned around until she found out which one and was told by the care home that she couldn't visit and was given my son's name and my name of people who couldn't visit. The receptionist couldn't comment any further. My daughter contacted the Social Work who are contacting the POA to ask why. As for the 'grounds.' I truly wish I knew All I know is that when my step father died and my sister and aunt found out how much money was available I was kicked out of the family. They changed my mum's phone number and moved her into my sisters house and for two and a half years I haven't been able to see my mum. Yes I should have gone to a solicitor to find out why but I didn't. I hoped things would settle down and it would sort itself out and I hoped my mum would have done something about seeing me. In my last conversation when my mum phoned me in October 2014 she said she wanted to see me but 'didnt want to rock the boat as they would put her in a home.'
    Should I have 'rocked the boat?' Can my health hold out to be able to rock the boat?
  13. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    No idea what grounds to keep me and my daughter and son away.
    When my step father died he left a substantial sum of money and house to my mum. My sister became more interested in my mother's finances and in particular destroyed evidence of a loan she had taken from our stepfather a year earlier. I only found out about this loan on his death bed when he told me, which I checked against bank statements to verify. I waited for my sister to disclose this information but she never did instead she destroyed the evidence. (I took copies unknown to her).
    My mum was ill with an undiagnosed illness and needed to be looked after. My sister didn't want to take it in turns so gradually I was there all of the time and then my husband joined me.
    My sister and I were joint POA and I thought everything was fine. I can't find the words to write to say exactly what happened because I don't know what happened but stuff was going on in the back ground and I was asked to move back out by my aunt and sister, they seemed to have the opinion that my mum would be better on her own. My mum seemed to go along with it. I am as confused now as I was then.
  14. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    Good News

    After reading many posts and finding confidence to deal with my situation I contacted the social work department by phone and spoke to a gentleman who couldn't have been more helpful. The care home my mum is in has it noted by the POA that I and my two kids are barred from visiting my mum. It was like a punch in the face to hear the news but the question had to be asked why. Less than half an hour later the SW phoned to tell me the ban had been lifted after he spoke to the POA, apparently there is no reason why! My daughter has flown up from England to be with me visit today. My son is trying to arrange a flight up next week. We haven't seen our lovely gran/mum for nearly 3 years, all I hope for right now is to keep my tears at bay until visiting time is over.
    Thank you to everyone who has posted and for all the helpful posts on this site.
  15. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    What great news. Have a lovely visit, enjoy it and wonderful that your daughter will be with you too. Just rewind 3 years and start from there.

    Have a great day and well done.
  16. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    So happy that you will be able to visit your Mum - have a lovely visit. Don't give up with the rest of the problems though - your relatives will have to know that they can't ride roughshod through your life

    {{{ H U G S }}}
  17. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    So pleased for you, I hope it's the first of many good visits. It might not go smoothly at first because your Mum will no doubt be muddled and worried and I am sure you will all be emotional. But focus on the good bits and as you visiting becomes accepted, hopefully they will become the norm. Well done to you for standing up to the bullies, it takes courage. Hugs xx
  18. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    My mum's care home has a notice on the front door that they won't allow visitors if the resident does not want to see them at that time. That makes sense to me. As far as the PoA is concerned, I'm currently having to go through the Court of Protection to become a deputy for my mum. I've given the names of interested parties to the solicitor. They're people who either have a vested interest, and/or would need to know what was happening. I don't understand how someone who was a joint power of attorney could be discharged from that without being informed of it. I'd say it's definately something that needs investigation.
  19. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    As long as you till have capacity you can change a POA and write a new one. There may be reasons why you don't want someone knowing they no longer have LPA.
    As long as you still have capacity that's your right to change an LPA, the younger you put it in place the more reasons you may find to change your mind and by telling someone they've been "unfriended" might cause friction in your relationship.
    Unfortunately it all seems a bit sketchy legally because of the delicate balance between the rights of someone who is still deemed to have capacity and someone acting under the influence of other people.
    I would never sign an LPA if I could not revoke it while I still had capacity but it's could be a fine line when that capacity ends and when you could be vulnerable to the influences of others.
    Back to the OP and Doormat's situation does sound a bit sinister why would people behave that way, beyond me. I hope the visit goes well.
  20. Doormat

    Doormat Registered User

    May 6, 2015
    The Visit went well!! And then it didnt.

    Thank you for your kind thoughts. I went with my daughter to visit my mum (her gran) and it was lovely to see her after all this time and she was delighted to see us. A few days later I bumped into the POA by accident, she was with my sister and another aunt. She advised me to stay away as it was too upsetting for my mum. My mum was not upset at any part of the visit even at the end when we said goodbye. However the POA, who has the say has barred me again and also contacted the police regarding my behaviour when we spoke. (3 against 1) I am totally shocked at the police being involved as I did nothing but ask why I'm being barred and even more shocked at the suggestion that a: my mum was upset and b: The POA lying to the police.

    I am totally and utterly at the end of the road. God only knows how this will turn out. They are totally driven by money which I dont give a hoot about. I care about my mum but if she has said (which I doubt) that she doesnt want to see me what can I do. My daughter has asked me to move down to be nearer her in England and get away from this mess for my own sanity. I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life and quite honestly I cant get it out of my mind. I've got so much to live for but this is hellish.

    Thanks to all who wrote with advice I'll really appreciate your kind thoughts.
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