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My poor Mum

jaycee2014

Registered User
Feb 17, 2014
10
My 83 year old mother is in a care home, and they look after her well. She hardly eats anything now, these past few weeks. She drinks maybe half a glass of something a day, on a good day. When I visit I try my best to feed her, but she rolls the liquidised veg around her mouth and takes ages to swallow it. She ends up coughing and spluttering when she's given liquid. The doctor rang me a few days ago and suggested this weekend was probably her last. She also mentioned a form about do not resuscitate. It's early hours of Monday now. My mother so far is still here. The carers bring her down to the lounge every day, dress her smartly, put makeup on her, and she smiles and laughs to herself. She doesn't seem to be in pain. But she's wasting away in front of me. Only a few months ago she was walking around having a laugh, singing, dancing, putting on weight and having to have bigger clothes. Now those clothes are hanging on her. One of the residents cries about my mother. She can see how ill she is too. It's hard trying to reassure the resident who herself has dementia. I came on here to read posts by others in a similar situation. I'm glad I did. At least the doctor and I agree that my mother should not be force fed and that when she departs from this earth she should be allowed to do so with dignity.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Welcome to Talking Point Jaycee, I am sorry to hear about your mum it must be very hard for you,

Best wishes Jeany xx
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Thank you Jeany. Can I ask please what are your circumstances?
My husband has vascular dementia he is 66 and was diagnosed 5 years ago but has had it for much longer. He fell out of his wheelchair about 5 weeks ago and broke his leg, I couldn't manage him at home as he kept forgetting about the cast on his leg and falling when he was trying to stand up and falling out of bed,
He was taken to a Care Home as a emergency admittance and he was taken to hospital from there a couple of days later with a urine infection and retention and kidney failure he was there 3 weeks and is back at the care home now, he has his cast off on Thursday and after physiotherapy I hope that he will be able to come home soon,

Jeany x
 

jaycee2014

Registered User
Feb 17, 2014
10
My husband has vascular dementia ……….

he has his cast off on Thursday and after physiotherapy I hope that he will be able to come home soon,

Jeany x
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm very sorry about your husband's illness and all the upset and problems that go with it. I hope you have some respite from being a carer.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,707
North West
Hi jaycee - welcome to T.P.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It must be so hard for you.

It's so good though that she doesn't seem to be in any pain and still smiles and laughs to herself. I guess we would all wish to be able to approach our end like this

I hope you will get further replies from people who have been in this situation.

Take care
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
I would also like to welcome you Jaycee. I am not in the same position as you at the moment - I support my dad in his care of my mam, who has Alzheimer's. She still lives at home with him, but as things became more difficult for him, she now goes into overnight respite at a local EMI nursing home once a week, and also for daycare at the same home once a week too. This seems to be helping the situation.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum and her rapid decline, which must be very distressing for you. Although I haven't been in your situation as yet, I dare say the day will come, and I dread it so I really feel for you.

Lots of support - do keep posting if you can as I'm sure it will help you xx
 

retiredcopper

Registered User
May 17, 2011
187
Yorkshire
Hi Jaycee & welcome,

My husband & I are in exactly the same situation as you are. MIL went into a care home in December after a spell in hospital & she flourished for the first month. The last 3 weeks though have seen her gradually refuse food & now drink & she is a shadow of her former self. The GP saw us 10 days ago & it was decided to treat MIL the same as you are treating your mum. It's so difficult to see her washed, dressed & sitting in the lounge but not communicating & refusing to eat or drink. I visit most days at lunchtime to try & feed her but she forcefully says 'No thank you' clamps her mouth shut & turns her head away. She then covers her face with her hands so that no one can bother her. I think she has decided she wants leaving alone & she has had enough & it's so hard to watch her like this.

All we can give our loved ones now is comfort, a freedom from pain & distress & lots of lots of love. I wish you lots of strength & support over the coming days,

Angie
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
My husband has vascular dementia he is 66 and was diagnosed 5 years ago but has had it for much longer. He fell out of his wheelchair about 5 weeks ago and broke his leg, I couldn't manage him at home as he kept forgetting about the cast on his leg and falling when he was trying to stand up and falling out of bed,
He was taken to a Care Home as a emergency admittance and he was taken to hospital from there a couple of days later with a urine infection and retention and kidney failure he was there 3 weeks and is back at the care home now, he has his cast off on Thursday and after physiotherapy I hope that he will be able to come home soon,

Jeany x
Oh, Jeany, I hadn't realised poor Allen had all these problems - what a worry for you. Do hope the physio and his recovery go well.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Oh, Jeany, I hadn't realised poor Allen had all these problems - what a worry for you. Do hope the physio and his recovery go well.
Thank you Witzend he seems to have another UTI, once he gets the cast off I hope he can recover the bit mobility that he had,
 

krissymc

Registered User
Sep 24, 2012
75
hi jaycee

really feel for you jaycee we went through exactly the same with my mum in november last year, she had been in care home for 11 months, always seemed happy , put on 2 stone in weight I had gone shopping for her the week before and bought her lots of bigger clothes. We went to see her one sunday and she refused to eat or drink anything and was rushed to hospital because it was the homes policy to do so. No matter what we did, drips which she pulled out, offered her food but she would turn away and cover her mouth, eventually we had to except that she had enough and wanted to die, so we had meeting with doctor who suggest a DNR then she was allowed to go back to the care home where she died 3 days later. It all happened within 3 weeks which was the hardest part to except, I think now 3 months later I have accepted that, I still come back on this forum because it helps me knowing other people are going through the same, but every time I always end up in tears. my thoughts are with you.
 

jaycee2014

Registered User
Feb 17, 2014
10
Thank you all for your support and wisdom. I went to see my Mum yesterday. She had eaten 1/2 a Weetabix with milk, plus taken a few swigs of liquid. She was asleep in the lounge and, well, I know this sounds awful, but looked deceased. I could see some of her fellow residents looking worriedly at her. She woke fleetingly, beamed a huge smile at me, then fell back to sleep. I held her hand, watched her breathing for 1/2 hour then left. I phoned the care home earlier and my Mum hasn't eaten or drunk anything today. She's in bed, not in the lounge. To my mind that's a definite sign of things to come, if you know what I mean. I'm on here and should be there. But I'm scared. Sorry for venting on here, but I can't talk so openly with my partner who lost his Mum 5 years ago to pancreatic cancer. Nor can I talk openly to my 19 year old son. He looked devastated when he visited her a few days ago. (He has a learning disability). So I'll sign off for now, pay my Mum a visit and take it from there.
 

jaycee2014

Registered User
Feb 17, 2014
10
My poor Mum is still here somehow. There is now a team of nurses (CISS team) looking after her at the care home. She's been on a drip since Tuesday as she was dehydrated. She's refusing food, water, she won't allow her mouth to be wiped over with a damp cloth. Today she was agitated and there was not much awareness. Tomorrow the CISS consultant wants to see me. I feel she needs morphine to relax her and help her pass peacefully. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Writing it down is helping me keep sane.
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
My poor Mum is still here somehow. There is now a team of nurses (CISS team) looking after her at the care home. She's been on a drip since Tuesday as she was dehydrated. She's refusing food, water, she won't allow her mouth to be wiped over with a damp cloth. Today she was agitated and there was not much awareness. Tomorrow the CISS consultant wants to see me. I feel she needs morphine to relax her and help her pass peacefully. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Writing it down is helping me keep sane.
Just letting you know I hear you

will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope the meeting with the CISS is all that you hope for.

xxxxx
 

Haylett

Registered User
Feb 4, 2011
1,145
It's such a hard time jaycee, but you're doing all you can by being there when you can. I hope today is a peaceful day for your Mum, and for you.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
My poor Mum is still here somehow. There is now a team of nurses (CISS team) looking after her at the care home. She's been on a drip since Tuesday as she was dehydrated. She's refusing food, water, she won't allow her mouth to be wiped over with a damp cloth. Today she was agitated and there was not much awareness. Tomorrow the CISS consultant wants to see me. I feel she needs morphine to relax her and help her pass peacefully. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Writing it down is helping me keep sane.
I am so sorry and hope your mum is no longer agitated. Wishing you strength.