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My patronising delusional Invisible has got me riled

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,536
Essex
I'm afraid I've got a lot of experience of this and the best thing to do is to not expect anything from invisibles. At least you can make plans on this assumption.

MaNaAk
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,653
South East
Hi @Graybiker , I’m sorry you are having a tough time , your invisible is completely insensitive, have no doubt he won’t see the light anytime soon . sending you a big hug 🤗

I don’t speak to my invisible anymore thank goodness , has made my life so much easier .
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,536
Essex
Oh by the way one invisible said that people were flabbergasted by my behaviour (see Stressed About Sorting Out Mother's (Father's) House) but I think their flabbergasted by his behaviour.

MaNaAk
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,762
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Graybiker . I’m sorry your brother is so useless and selfish. I know how awful it is as both my brother and sister were the same. I had to listen to tales of their wonderful life while mine was that of a ninety year old with dementia! Personally I’m glad I don’t have to have anything to do with them ever again. I think it’s the only way to cope with siblings like that...
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
411
Your brother is burying his head in the sand and just allowing you to do all the work so it doesn't impact on his life.
When restrictions allow him to visit, you need to have a time planned for when you will be not able to be about for a couple of weeks ( make something up ) , and say he will have to do this one thing, then he'll see what it's really like.
Sorry you are in this difficult place, emotionally and financially .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,411
South coast
I'm afraid I've got a lot of experience of this and the best thing to do is to not expect anything from invisibles. At least you can make plans on this assumption.

MaNaAk
I agree with this. If you dont expect anything then you wont be constantly disappointed.

My invisible brother went to visit his mum when she first moved into her care home (at a time when I wasnt there), but he hadnt visited her while she was living at home before then. After that one visit he didnt visit her again in the three years she was there, even when she was at End of Life. So the first time I saw him in literally years was at the funeral.

Mind you, he phoned me plenty of times afterwards to "see how I was doing" and ask how the probate was coming on..............
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,037
Are these invisibles really this insensitive or just plain dense. Sorry you have one too @Graybiker but they are so common. My brother proudly told everyone at dads funeral how 'we had looked after dad between us'

Okay he chipped in a bit of help towards the end 'when he could' but here I am after looking after dad full time with no income and no hope of a job while he and the SIL have had the life of Riley for the past 3 years. Now he has decided to buy me out of dads house and is trying to knock the price down.

Pretty despicable really but it doesn't surprise me, apparently it will save estate agents fees so I should be grateful.

Your brother is either thick or just plain selfish and ignorant like mine.

You can see from the amount of replies you have had that you are not unique in having a useless invisible. Perhaps we should start a club.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,519
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
If he is anything like our Invisibles he will just not understand how harmful his words can be and, no doubt, at a later date if not now will telling people how easy caring for his parents was by just being patient.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,536
Essex
I remember when the elder of my two brothers stayed the night at which point I filled him in on more details as to what I do and what dad might do. At 3.00 am dad banged on my door and I called out go back to bed. He then went downstairs and tried to get into my brother's room because he wanted to look out of the window for the car that he had sold two years before. I came downstairs and got dad back to bed and in the morning my brother said he needed to see that and promised more help which never came!

MaNaAk
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
38
I think that if I wasn’t a la......dy I‘d describe your sibling in a certain way. However what is important is the wellbeing of your dear Dad and yourself. Would he consent to seeing the GP? Get all the help and support you can.
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
Thank you, seriously. I was feeling so down & your replies have helped immensely. Sorry, but too many to respond individually, but yes, I feel a club should be started 😄.
What gets me most is he can be very generous & kind, came over a couple of years ago & spent a week helping me decorate. He has also paid for me to go on holiday with his family the last 2 years, which was wonderful, particularly getting v close to my niece, who I still ‘talk to’, (message) most days.
What I notice is that he helps in the way that is easiest for him, usually financially. When he did visit he couldn’t bear being in the home for more than 30 minutes.

Anyway, latest is, dad has just told me he didn’t wear a mask at all while out. He forgot. So 2 bus trips, a haircut, visit to cobblers & to Boyes & no mask. I’ve tried to drum it into him & he keeps masks by the front door, don’t know what else I can do, though I have suggested he puts one in a sealed bag in his coat pocket. He won’t remember though.

Re my unutterably miserable life, that’s mainly down to caring for my daughter. She has her own place but moved back to mine ‘temporarily ‘ over 12 months ago. She has completely taken over & each day is set out for me according to her needs.

Mam died almost a year ago. When she went to hospital, then died, the last thing on my mind was my garden. It is now so overgrown I don’t know where to start. In the first week of lockdown, when roads were empty, my beloved cat, the only thing that made me smile & gave me comfort, strayed onto a road & was killed.
2 months ago my boiler broke down, no heating or hot water. For reasons too complicated to go into I can’t get it fixed while daughter is here.
A month ago my washer/dryer broke down, the above applies. My days are taken up with caring but I can’t catch up on the other stuff that needs doing. It’s just too much.
Sorry, problems re my daughter really belong elsewhere, it’s just all so mixed up. Dad getting so bad now, especially at this time, is just the final straw. I’m not sure how to keep him safe? And it’s all down to me, no friends or family to help.

Sorry,feeling particularly sorry for myself at the moment.
But thanks again for the replies, it really does help.
Take care all
X
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,037
Recognise the garden @Graybiker That's what happens when you put others before yourself. Mine is looking awful as was my dads. I have spent most of last week tidying dads and cleaning his house probably for my brothers benefit now. I feel like a doormat these days.

I hope the situation with your daughter improves as it sounds very difficult and winter is not so far away now and you will need heating.

I'm not surprised you feel sorry for yourself, life is a pig sometimes. Keep posting, it helps me sometimes.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,536
Essex
It helps me too although I may be able to do it so much over the next few days as my
brother is coming to celebrate my birthday.
This is lovely and I want things to run as smoothly as possible.

MaNaAk