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My patronising delusional Invisible has got me riled

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
A little background. My Invisible has lived abroad for over 30 years, rarely visited the folks. Mam died last summer after having Alzheimer’s for about 10 years. Now, my 87 yr old Dad is going down the same path. No diagnosis, but familiar enough to us & admits himself his memory is terrible now.

Today was Dad’s birthday. Went to see him, from a safe distance. Messaged my brother to tell him about it & mentioned a few concerning moments re Dad. His response has me flabbergasted. I quote, ‘Yep, that’s our future. It’s harmless, just requires patience, that you can do.’
Am I being over sensitive here or is that the most ridiculous statement a person could make?! I was & still am, lost for words. At least mam had dad around to look after her, until she went in the home. Dad is on his own & now I can’t even go in to check all is ok.
Harmless?! How can anyone even think that? And to say ‘that’s OUR future, when he knows damn well it will be mine. Aaaaaggggghhhhh.

This from the person who told me I had ‘put myself into a carer’s role’. I despair, he’s never going to get it is he :(
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,689
My brother used to say similar things to me about our mother. Eventually he got it, but that was only after he'd had first hand experience of what was happening. I guess your brother isn't going to understand unless he actually visits your dad.
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
My brother used to say similar things to me about our mother. Eventually he got it, but that was only after he'd had first hand experience of what was happening. I guess your brother isn't going to understand unless he actually visits your dad.
He had visited more often since mam died, obviously can’t now. His main concern seemed to be that dad isn’t eating enough fruit & veg. I’m more concerned that Dad tells me he can’t remember how to cook the salmon that he has twice a week!
But thanks, & sorry you had similar
 

Cholly

New member
May 9, 2019
3
A little background. My Invisible has lived abroad for over 30 years, rarely visited the folks. Mam died last summer after having Alzheimer’s for about 10 years. Now, my 87 yr old Dad is going down the same path. No diagnosis, but familiar enough to us & admits himself his memory is terrible now.

Today was Dad’s birthday. Went to see him, from a safe distance. Messaged my brother to tell him about it & mentioned a few concerning moments re Dad. His response has me flabbergasted. I quote, ‘Yep, that’s our future. It’s harmless, just requires patience, that you can do.’
Am I being over sensitive here or is that the most ridiculous statement a person could make?! I was & still am, lost for words. At least mam had dad around to look after her, until she went in the home. Dad is on his own & now I can’t even go in to check all is ok.
Harmless?! How can anyone even think that? And to say ‘that’s OUR future, when he knows damn well it will be mine. Aaaaaggggghhhhh.

This from the person who told me I had ‘put myself into a carer’s role’. I despair, he’s never going to get it is he :(
Unfortunately, unless you are personally involved it’s difficult for people to understand just how hard it is on a carer. When this is over I would pull a sicky if I were you and try to insist that he takes a bit , or a lot, of responsibility. And make sure it’s both of you not just you who makes decisions. Good luck .
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,830
leicester
I remember my brother saying I was talking rubbish about my Dad, then I was away from home and he had to deal with it, he did have the good grace to apologise
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
Unfortunately, unless you are personally involved it’s difficult for people to understand just how hard it is on a carer. When this is over I would pull a sicky if I were you and try to insist that he takes a bit , or a lot, of responsibility. And make sure it’s both of you not just you who makes decisions. Good luck .
Thanks & I do get that, although his wife is a nurse in a dementia care home so you’d think he’d have some insight. He’s like my dad, doesn’t want to know.
Good suggestion though, I am also full time carer for my daughter so have a ready made excuse ;)
Decisions, hmmm. When mam died he took over, belittled me in front of funeral director, argued that I should not have agreed to mam’s nieces visiting her in hospital while unconscious, though we did that for our grandma & mam’s sister. Sorry, too much to go into but appreciate your reply 😊
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
I remember my brother saying I was talking rubbish about my Dad, then I was away from home and he had to deal with it, he did have the good grace to apologise
Sorry you went through that, I’m sure the apology helped a little.
Not much chance of that here I’m afraid.
It’s infuriating, he can be very kind & generous, but really struggles with this. I am carer for my daughter also, mostly mental health problems & he has said ‘I don’t get it & probably never will.’ :(
Take care
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,391
South coast
he has said ‘I don’t get it & probably never will.’
Roughly translated this means - I dont want to get it and I dont want you to remind me that I dont get it.
You havent a snowball in hells chance of changing this attitude.
I think that if you ask him to do things you will be disappointed. Just ignore him
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,758
Nottinghamshire
Roughly translated this means - I dont want to get it and I dont want you to remind me that I dont get it.
You havent a snowball in hells chance of changing this attitude.
I think that if you ask him to do things you will be disappointed. Just ignore him
I completely agree with this. My siblings were the same. I gave up trying to get them to understand or help in the end...wouldn’t want to spoil their wonderful lives, ours were obviously not important . I too was told I had put myself into the carers roll. My sister’s actual words were “You‘ve made your bed...”

I’m still not speaking to her. In fact I now consider myself to be an only child. Best way to stay sane!
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
Roughly translated this means - I dont want to get it and I dont want you to remind me that I dont get it.
You havent a snowball in hells chance of changing this attitude.
I think that if you ask him to do things you will be disappointed. Just ignore him
For clarity, the ‘I don’t get it’ comment was re my daughter’s mental health problems, but I do think it’s very telling. Dad did want to know or read any info re Alzheimer’s, said ‘I know all I need to know’. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far x
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
I completely agree with this. My siblings were the same. I gave up trying to get them to understand or help in the end...wouldn’t want to spoil their wonderful lives, ours were obviously not important . I too was told I had put myself into the carers roll. My sister’s actual words were “You‘ve made your bed...”

I’m still not speaking to her. In fact I now consider myself to be an only child. Best way to stay sane!
Isn’t that such an awful & hurtful thing to be told? What are you supposed to do, leave them to get on with it?
Strange, my invisible has a very comfortable life too.
I wish you well x
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,032
Yes I agree with @canary and @Bunpoots he doesn't want to know. I had disinterest from the start, I was actually blanked. My invisible was known as the minute man because, 'he could only stay for a minute' I eventually got help when I threatened a care home because that involves money.

They don't like to talk about it because that just reminds them of how they are behaving and if they can avoid the subject then they can just carry on as before without feeling guilty.

If I were you I would start sending him regular updates with photos if possible just as a reminder. It won't change anything but it doesn't hurt to remind him.

When my dad was in hospital with pneumonia and delirium and after having a fall and bashing his head and then pulling his canula out, bleeding everywhere and having transfusions, my invisible went on holiday (it wasn't a special one or expensive) leaving me to visit twice a day. When I phoned the invisible because dad had another fall and a stroke. The reply was that along the lines of 'Well, we won't be home till Saturday so there is not much we can do'.

Expect nothing and then you won't be let down. It still hurts though.
 

Mastro

New member
May 16, 2020
8
A little background. My Invisible has lived abroad for over 30 years, rarely visited the folks. Mam died last summer after having Alzheimer’s for about 10 years. Now, my 87 yr old Dad is going down the same path. No diagnosis, but familiar enough to us & admits himself his memory is terrible now.

Today was Dad’s birthday. Went to see him, from a safe distance. Messaged my brother to tell him about it & mentioned a few concerning moments re Dad. His response has me flabbergasted. I quote, ‘Yep, that’s our future. It’s harmless, just requires patience, that you can do.’
Am I being over sensitive here or is that the most ridiculous statement a person could make?! I was & still am, lost for words. At least mam had dad around to look after her, until she went in the home. Dad is on his own & now I can’t even go in to check all is ok.
Harmless?! How can anyone even think that? And to say ‘that’s OUR future, when he knows damn well it will be mine. Aaaaaggggghhhhh.

This from the person who told me I had ‘put myself into a carer’s role’. I despair, he’s never going to get it is he :(
I feel your pain, my mum lives with me past 4 years, I care for her my brother has not seen spoke for 2 years odd phone call, we've fell out so bad, my mum is had bad decline and I feel I won't have her long and he just don't bother, but will come holding his hand out when I've lost mum.
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
An update.

Dad is getting worse by the day, isolation has had a huge detrimental effect, couldn’t have happened at a worse time.
Dad is struggling, he knows it & me & my daughter know it. I messaged my Invisible to tell him about dad’s trip out alone, on the bus & to various shops to buy a bottle of whiskey. None of the shops he went to sell alcohol. And dad’s panic losing his door key, believing someone had stolen it,they hadn’t, I found it.
My Invisible’s response was ‘So he is getting worse 🤪’. 😡

He then went on to tell me about his latest motorcycle ride on his brand new motorbike. Even sent me a video plus a link to the lessons he’s had. He recently messaged me, outraged that according to UK tax, him & his wife together are worth over £1million. They are.

Fyi, I’m on an Ill-Health Retirement Pension after suffering ptsd while at work, it’s not a lot. Also full time unpaid carer to my adult daughter who is on ESA & PIP. I am in a desperate place. My life is utterly miserable & my home is no longer my own.

That's where we are
X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,391
South coast
Im sorry you are in such a bad place (in more ways than one). I suspect its your annoying brother that is doing most harm. Videos about his motorbike lessons for gods sake!!!