My new rollercoaster life

[Saffie]

The 9th? Mine is the 10th. Each time, another month passed.
I'm glad it's summer, despite the weather, as I 'm dreading the Autumn and the way I felt then. Whether it was the season that brought me so low or the reaction to grief, I don't know.
I do think that just as there is an aftermath to any trauma be it great or small, there is one for grief too and I think you are now going through that Jan. I think is lessens but never goes away. Why would it when we are alone after sharing our lives so closely for such a long time.

I won't say I'm holding your hand as you don't have enough hands for us all to hold - but there is a group here who seem to be holding each other up through these difficult times with other friends forming a protective band around us. I so appreciate that and the love and understanding which comes with it. I honestly don't know how I would have coped without it. No others know more about my thoughts and feelings than they do and I hope we can all continue to help each other, both those who have lost their loved ones and those who are still caring for them. God bless you all. xxx

 

[WIFE]

Seventeen weeks and counting for me Jan. Like so many others I too find Sunday the saddest day - probably because one is so aware of couples and families spending their time together on Sundays. Talk to him - he is still there in the ether - and maybe in time when he is ready he will talk back to you. My husband does though it is not always very polite! I am in a very bad phase at the moment - energy seems to have totally left me - the thought of cutting the grass or weeding leaves me feeling even limper so just have to give in until better days hopefully arrive. Be kind to yourself. WIFE

 

[Saffie]

I am in a very bad phase at the moment - energy seems to have totally left me - the thought of cutting the grass or weeding leaves me feeling even limper so just have to give in until better days hopefully arrive. Be kind to yourself

Be kind to yourself too Wife. It's early days.
I have to say that I find that I am less and less inclined to do stuff here. Every morning I plan to do this or that and end up not doing either. I'm trying to get the garden in some sort of acceptable shape after nearly 5 years of hospital and NH visiting which left me no time for it, nor for much else. It's very, very slow going!
I'm banking on Launde Abbey for some much needed retreating from it all and meeting up with those who understand. Then - who knows - where next?!

 

[Dazmum]

Hugs for you all from me xxxx

 

[jan.s]

Thanks 2Jays. Yes the birdies are shouting here too, such a lovely sound.

Hi Margaret, yes that was my mistake on Saturday, I tried to take bigger steps, and I paid for it yesterday. Today is a new day, hopefully brighter.

Thank you Saffie. Summer is certainly helping, and I am not looking forward to the darker evenings, but then there I go again, looking too far ahead. I guess this grief is something I have to work through and accept the sad days among the better days; I should be thankful for the happier days.

Dear Wife, I think you are right about Sundays; I actually look forward to Mondays now!! Also on Sundays, I used to spend more time with Roger at the Care Home. I will keep talking to him. I am sorry to hear that you are going through a bad phase at the moment, but I have been advised to just go with the flow. I am trying to do something each day, no matter how small; on a low day something I enjoy, on better days I try to do the jobs I have been putting off.

Like you Saffie, I am hoping that Launde Abbey will be a chance to retreat from everyday issues. I shall be bringing my huge box of tissues though! You know me, I can cry at anything.

Thank you all for holding me up. Jan xx

 

[jan.s]

Thank you Dazmum. x

 

[WIFE]

Just the thought of Launde and all you lovely people who "understand" dementia sets me off - you will have to forgive me if I also cry a lot of the time. Hope your days are easier soon Jan - as we all say take your time, be kind to yourself and grieve as you want to. Loving thoughts WIFE

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Jan, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are feeling low. After all the struggle tp protect and support Roger, it would not be surprising I guess if you were to feel a huge hiatus, a huge gaping hole. I think it must feel as if you've been walking a high wire and someone has suddenly cut the cable. I hope we can all be your safety net. Wouldn't want you crashing. Who would look after Dougal? xx

 

[jan.s]

Thank you Wife. We will have a good time at LA. Don't worry I'll bring enough tissues for you and me! At least I've had a better day today.

You are very thoughtful Deborah and you are right, who would look after Dougal! Losing Roger has left a big hole in my life, but he has also left me with many happy memories. I am determined to use my dementia skills to support others; I am going to volunteer to be a dementia champion at the local hospital.

Tonight I went to see Lord of the Dance, I enjoyed the dancing. Not sure what the story was about, but the music and dancing was good!

Another day tomorrow, let's see what that brings!

 

[WIFE]

Thinking of you Jan - hope today is peaceful and calm for you. Glad you enjoyed Lord of the Dance. See you soon WIFE

 

[jan.s]

I hope your day is kind to you too WIFE. See you in less than 6 weeks. Xx

 

[jan.s]

Why do some people have to be so unhelpful?

I went to the building society today to sort out Roger's accounts and a few things for myself.

I had an account with less than £5 in it! She asked me for the card - what card? I didn't know I had a card for that account; I may have done 15 years ago when I opened it but it would have expired by now. Problem, couldn't close the account without the card! Finally she saw reason and the fact that there was such a small amount in there she made a note that I had no card. I had signed the form to say I had destroyed/didn't hold cards for that account, but she didn't want the form.

Moved on to the next thing. Closing down Roger's accounts. I was feeling very sensitive about this. I handed over the form and she asked me if I had set this up properly and had received a letter with the information. Yes, I had, that is why I had written the case number on the form. Try looking, I thought.

Final issue. I needed cash but had left my debit card at home. I had ID on me, as she has already asked for that to close down my £5 account. N she couldn't let me have any of my money without the card unless I reported it lost! No, it's not lost, I knew exactly where it was, but not in my purse. Why would I lie and say I've lost it when it was at home? I left without the cash and had to go back into town to get some cash later. Still at least Dougal and I had a long walk out of it. (about 3 miles round trip)

I left the building society, burst into tears and had to go back and sit in the car until I'd settled down. I then went on to the solicitors to collect Roger's original will (not easy either).

She wasn't rude, but I felt like she thought I couldn't get anything right. To be greeted with a smile and a little warmth would have been good instead of which I felt like something she had trodden in.

Maybe just me feeling sensitive. Another rant over

 

[Loopiloo]

Oh Jan, no wonder you burst into tears after leaving the building society. She may not have been rude but considering you are so recently bereaved a bit of humanity, compassion, would have been much better. As you say, a little warmth.

Then having to go on to the solicitors concerning Roger’s will and no that would not be easy.

Of course you are feeling sensitive, as anyone would so recently having been through so much. It is natural so don’t be apologetic about that. I’m so sorry you have had a bad day.

My thoughts and love to you and hopes that tomorrow will be a kinder day for you.

Loo xxx

 

[jan.s]

Hi Loo, thank you for your understanding. The girl was very cold and insensitive with me; I know I am seeing things in a strange way at the moment, and, to be honest, it doesn't take much to set me off with tears, especially at the moment, but it was so unnecessary, just a smile would have helped!

I nearly started again as I left the solicitor's office with the will, but managed to hold it together until I got back to the car again.

Today has been a better day, so far. I have been to my keyboard class this morning and then went straight to the gym and worked hard. I shall ache tomorrow, but hopefully will be worth it!

I shall take Dougal for a walk and the cut the grass.

With love Janxx

 

[WIFE]

Mind you Jan - when someone has been kind to me through the last difficult months I have found it equally difficult to keep it all together and not cry in front of them and it is something that has become harder as the weeks go by rather than easier. So at the moment I avoid kindness with a sharp comment about the weather or politics which tends to upset them. You can't win seems to me with this grieving thing! Even kind posts on TP set me off. WIFE

 

[jan.s]

I'm with you on that one Wife. Somedays, just looking at me starts the tears! (most days actually). I think we might need lots of tissues at LA!

 

[Soobee]

Just reading about your experience with the building society - that woman needs some training in compassion. It sounds like she was concentrating so hard on following the right processes she forgot why you were there.

I found the local banks quite helpful last week when I was trying to find old/closed accounts - they all said "sorry about your loss" pretty much like robots though. I never know what to say in reply. "It's ok" (well no, it isn't really but..)

 

[jan.s]

Hi Soobee. Yes, that was the way I felt too. Just a smile would have helped, but instead I felt like I was being a nuisance. I admit, people do say I'm sorry for your loss, like robots, but I'd rather that than be ignored. I just reply Thank You.

I must say that such an attitude is very unusual for that Building Society, as they are usually so warm and friendly, which is why I guess it jumped out at me.

I hope you're doing OK. I shall miss you at Launde this year.

Jan xx

 

[Soobee]

Still planning to come on Tuesday for one night!!

 

[jan.s]

That's excellent news. Look forward to seeing you. X