My new rollercoaster life

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by jan.s, May 10, 2015.

  1. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    It was one month yesterday since I lost Roger. Obviously I miss him terribly but last night and today have been very sad times. It is starting to hit me now

    I know there is nothing anyone can say or do that will help. I know all of the obvious things about him being at peace etc, but sometimes I feel selfish and think "what about me?"

    I am happy for him to be peaceful and not struggling, but he was so happy in his last few months, it just wasn't fair! I guess that's life and I should be thankful that he was contented.

    I feel like I have a big hole in my life. Friends rally round to keep me busy but nothing can fill that gap he left. I talk to him a lot, but he can't hear me because he's gone forever, just leaving memories.

    I'm sorry but I'm having a bad day today. Maybe tomorrow will look brighter.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,581
    Female
    Dundee
    Thinking of you Jan. xx
     
  3. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Sending much love and gentle hugs. I really wish there was something I could do to help you but other than hold your hand I feel quite useless. xxx
     
  4. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Thank you Izzy and Margaret.

    Sadly there is nothing anyone can do. I just have to work through it. I am sure things will get better, but just not yet.

    I do appreciate your support. I'm probably impatient, thinking I should have adjusted by now.

    J x
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,559
    Kent
    Not after one month Jan. Not even after one year.

    You will learn to live with the loss but it will never be your choice , which is what will make adjustment a tall order.

    Acceptance, yes. Adjustment, only time will tell.

    Sorry you are having a worse than usual day. I hope tomorrow will be a bit better.
     
  6. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Thank you Sylvia. Your wise words are so helpful. I just hate feeling so lost, it's just not me. I always try to be positive, but I just can't manage that yet.

    I must learn to be patient. I went to a good meeting yesterday about inner peace, I'm still looking! I will find it in time. Xx
     
  7. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I'm sorry you are having a bad day Jan.
    Why is Sunday so bad? I have no idea but it always is.

    It will never truly go away, that feeling but I suppose I have sort of, maybe, accepted it for most of the time. When it overcomes me I try to do something - anything - to shift my thoughts away from it. It's worst in the car or in bed because then there's nowhere to go. It's always there though, waiting in the wings to catch you out.

    No, we can't help but we can understand and empathiseand this I most certainly do.
    love and understanding. xxx
     
  8. gillybean

    gillybean Registered User

    Jan 17, 2007
    420
    I'm sorry for your loss, you never get over it, just learn to live a different way which is hard so hard. Everything changes, I'm having a bad day too :(
     
  9. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Thank you Saffie. I am starting to dislike Sundays too! (and Bank Holidays). Thank you for your love and understanding.

    I must try to adapt my mindset to keep busy, but today I have just accepted my sadness, but have now started to do something, even if is only deadhead the garden and cut the lawn. I just took over my whole body today. It wasn't helped by lack of sleep last night either.

    I am sorry Gillybean that you are having a bad day too. Sending you a hug and wishing you strength.

    Jan xx
     
  10. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Gosh, a bit extreme Jan!

    Not the deadheading but cutting the lawn!
    I do go and dig up a few weeds though.
    At least in the summer we can do that. It's harder in winter as any tidying up invariably brings up something to remind us.
    xxx
     
  11. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Hi Saffie, yes I admit, Im having a rest between the two jobs. Still looking at the lawn, but it's not a big lawn, so I could maybe do both today. I was going to do housework, but instead have sat and felt sorry for myself. :eek:

    I thought if I cut the lawn, then maybe tomorrow I could do housework (or not!).

    I am going to London tomorrow night to see Lord of the Dance. I'm not sure about it, but will tell my verdict later in the week. At least it's a night and a meal out!

    On the other hand I could just play Candy Crush and Soda Crush :)

    I am trying to be positive now, as it doesn't do me any good to feel sorry for myself and Roger wouldn't approve! He hated to see me crying. x
     
  12. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    Dear Jan

    I am sorry you are having a bad day, and I hope tomorrow will as you say look brighter. There is something about Sundays when one is alone… Perhaps the break in the weekly routines makes the emptiness and emotional pain sharper and all enveloping.

    But it has only been one month, Jan, and you are being hard on yourself expecting to have adjusted by now. It is such a cliché saying “take one day at a time” and yet it is the only thing one can do.

    Wise words from Sylvia, and Saffie. No one can help as you know, but that does not mean there is not understanding, sympathy and empathy. Where else but here can you feel free to let it out.

    Don’t beat yourself up about feeling sorry for yourself either; we are all human, it happens. Roger would understand.

    I hope you enjoy your night and meal out. I think I would also be uncertain about seeing Lord of the Dance and I will be interested to hear your verdict. Although I hope you do enjoy the meal! :)

    Thoughts and much love
    Loo xxx
     
  13. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,603
    West Midlands
    Wise words from all. It's only 4 weeks.... Xxxxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  14. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,534
    North East England
    Thinking of you Jan - and I am convinced that Roger can hear you. As you carry him with you in your heart, how can he not?

    xxx
     
  15. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Wise words Loo, thank you. You are so right, I should be looking at one day at a time, but instead I started thinking ahead! I guess 4 weeks isn't very long, and yet it seems like a lifetime.

    Thank you 2Jays for all of your support. Yes 4 loooong weeks.

    Yes, CG, I would like to think he can hear me.

    Thank you all for caring. x
     
  16. Tears Falling

    Tears Falling Registered User

    Jul 8, 2013
    637
    Dear Jan I have just seen this thread :eek:....being in each moment and allowing yourself to feel each emotion as it comes I feel must help. 4 weeks I expect feels like 4 minutes in reality. I hope that the days are kind to you and that you are busy when you want to be and just being when you are not able. I fully expect Roger to actually answer you back so watch out for the signs. ;). Xx
     
  17. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Oh Jan! Carry on talking to Roger-it will help you and I'm not entirely sure he can't hear you! It's too early to not to experience that big hole in your life-why should you? when Roger was your life.

    It's six months and one day since Pete passed and it's only in the last couple of weeks that I feel I've started to reach acceptance. At least I've stopped taking Pete's ashes to bed with me (I've no idea why I did that as my bed is already crowded with 1 cat and 2 dogs and myself:D) I don't know if this helps but I felt worse after one month than at the very beginning.

    Yes it is a rollercoaster and you will learn how to get through it.

    I'm so sorry you feel so sad my Darling.

    Love,

    Lyn T XX
     
  18. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Thank you TF and Lyn, I shall keep talking to him and hope he can hear me. I find comfort in looking at the stars in the night sky; he enjoyed astronomy. I find that brings me closer to him.

    I agree Lyn that I feel so much worse now than when I first lost him. The reality is dawning and yes, I have lived my life for Roger particularly in the past 3 years, since he went into care. I have fought tooth and nail to make sure he was safe, even to the point of taking matters to the court of protection at the High Court in London to make sure he received the best of care! A long story but at least I won the case!

    I still take Roger's jumper to bed with me, the one he wore when he went to hospital. I can see though that your bed is quite full! At least Dougal is only little, even if he does insist on sleeping in the middle!

    The 9th isn't a good day for either of us Lyn, Pete was 9th December and Roger was 9th April.

    Thank you to everyone for supporting me on my day of tears. Tomorrow is a new day and I shall try to be more positive.

    Jan x
     
  19. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,603
    West Midlands
    Well the birdies are really shouting here. They've been shouting for ages.... Since really silly o'clock

    I hope you only get to hear the birdies shouting later in the day... But if you have heard them at silly o'clock, I hope you have been able to just sit and listen to them and nothing else

    You are allowed to have "your moments" nothing wrong in that, after all you knew roger far longer than 4 weeks.... So it's going to take time for things to "feel better" for want of a better word.

    Little steps, one by one.... With my hand and all of TPs in yours

    One day You WILL "hear" roger, when it's the right time for you xxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  20. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Thinking of you Jan and holding your hand. Baby steps, baby steps xxx
     

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