My nerves are shattered

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by MaddieJ, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. MaddieJ

    MaddieJ Registered User

    Sep 1, 2017
    We are going to be moving house in 3 weeks. We were supposed to be moving before now but things went wrong in the chain. Moving is confusing enough for OH but the delays have not helped. Then midst it all we’ve just been on a pre-booked week’s holiday to the same caravan site we have been to for the last 3 years. The holiday caused moods to be up and down. Happy at times and totally confused at others and adamant he was not taking any of his medication. Worried I rang for advice to MC but being away meant little could be done. I was assured that missing the meds over the week would not be too harmful. At the end of the week, yesterday, I drove us home BUT halfway along the 2.5-hour journey I became someone else and he asked me my name and where I lived. He could not remember or compute where his home was and became very anxious. Arriving at our house he recognised it as his home but not mine and aggressively wanted me to go away. I drove off, walked off, held back for a while but it was no use as each time I tried to get in the house he forcibly stopped me and was very agitated. I could see no neighbours that were in to help. All cars were missing off the forecourts. A telephone from my daughter and a conversation with her failed to help him to recognise me and his anger continued in a threatening way so I called the police as I was scared of him. He is a big fella, chasing me away, following me round the car. A neighbour then showed up and came to help. He told him I was his wife and that he was just confused. Eventually he accepted who I was and went to make a cup of tea for him and me on the neighbour’s advice. I rang and asked the police to stand down (especially on a blue light) but they came on a welfare visit later. At this point I was the one who was losing it and bonkers. However, after talks with and from the police he became less angry / anxious and our “strange normality” returned. Today he talks about a MAN (me) that followed him home. I tell him to stop thinking about it, to put that behind him, and he does stop. We still have the house move ahead of us and I am continuously relating the situation of when we will move and where to. It is hard for him, well for both of us, but it will be for the best as we’ll be near family for support. We will deal with the medication situation meantime and the repercussions from the police visit. My nerves are shattered! I love him to bits but yesterday that love was tested. I wish I knew how to deal with these situations better as they happen, I have read and absorbed all the leaflets and advice but I do get caught out and fail. What a learning curve.
  2. Szaitisja

    Szaitisja Registered User

    Jul 28, 2018
    Hello. I am sorry you had such a difficult experience. I haven't had similar experience so unfortunately can't offer practical advise. But something did pop into my head. If he remembers the man following him and the police would he maybe accept if you said something like ' Yes, it must have been upsetting, luckily police dealt with it and it's all sorted now' or something like that?
    I know logic does not apply sometimes and it is hard. Fingers crossed he forgets it quickly.
    I hope you will get a good nights rest. We all get caught out at times, as every new situation can be tricky to deal with even with all the leaflets and knowledge we can absorb beforehand.
    Sending you virtual hugs if you think they will help.
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hello @MaddieJ
    My nerves would be shredded too!! From what you've said, it seems to me that you handled the situation amazingly well. You managed to get family, neighbour and police support, got back in the house and seem to be regaining your OH's confidence (he no longer thinks if was you following him back). And you'll be sorting the medication out....
    I don't think you should feel you were in any way 'caught out'. The situation became overwhelming, and you're dealing with it.
    You still have a lot to do of course and I hope the move goes well, so that you can have the support of family closer by.
    Sending you (((hugs))) and all good wishes.
    Lindy xx
  4. malomm

    malomm Registered User

    A big virtual hug from me too. Moving house is generally considered one of the most stressful events one can encounter in a lifetime. Put dementia into the mix and you have an explosive situation. You have my admiration for the way you have handled things so far. I last moved house about 28 years ago and swore I would never ever do it again (never say never!). I couldn't move Mrs M now, it would kill us both.
    So keep smiling if you can, and wishing the move goes ok for you.
  5. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    It sounds like you dealt with a nightmare situation really well. Just a thought, is there any possibility your family could help out around the move, by having your husband in their home?
  6. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    Maddie I do feel for you having done a big move myself two years ago with my OH who has AD. Also tried a caravan holiday earlier this year to our own caravan which we have had for nearly six years which completely disoriented him. I think you handled a very difficult situation amazingly well. Full of admiration of you. I hope the move goes as smoothly as possible and wish you all the strength to deal with what I know is going to be a very difficult time. It’s good that you will then have family close by to help.
  7. MaddieJ

    MaddieJ Registered User

    Sep 1, 2017
    Thank you for your replies and hugs and advice. It would be good to think of a way that he could be with my daughter whilst the move happens, I will try but I think it is the week when her children are back at school. She lives far away from here. It is so heart warming to know people are here inTP and understand what you are going through. OH is sure we are moving house tomorrow and he was so worried he has to tell "people at work" (retired 3 years ago) that he can't come in in the morning. I said I would ring them up for him which made him happy. Thoughts of work and moving will have left him by morning. I have to go for CT scan myself tomorrow (routine check up) and he will be happy to come along, which will keep him busy. He has started taking his meds yesterday and today. Presenting him with all three pills at once seems easier. He took them with some objection but gave in eventually both days. Albeit wanting to know what each pill was for and going through the usual "I don't have that", "you are trying to kill me", etc.. I couldn't have understood what this disease was like before living with it. It beggars belief that it is so cruel. We have packing boxes being delivered tomorrow.
  8. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    North West
    Maddie J

    I do feel for you with your OH so interested in the move. We moved four months ago (200 miles) to be nearer to family. My OH did not know what was happening and is as settled here as he was in old home. Only advice I can give is take all the help you can. Make sure removal company knows the situation and the men who come to move you.

    I know the general advice is not to move a PWD but I am so glad we moved. Seeing the grandchildren every week cheers me up. We go to many carers' groups now whereas I was reluctant in a town where I knew lots of people.

    Good luck with the packing tomorrow.

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