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My Mum's wanting her Mum - Please help

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by CHESS, Apr 15, 2008.

  1. CHESS

    CHESS Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    136
    LANCS.
    I've just got my Mum settled. She had gone to bed early, not feeling well, and then I heard she was out of bed. She was at the top of the stairs, crying. She doesn't know where her Mum is, doesn't know what to do, where's her Mum gone, she won't know where to find her, etc.etc. This has happened several times before, and I really do find this the hardest thing to cope with.

    My Mum is just a little girl again, wanting her "Mammy". I go along with her, saying her Mum will be back soon, she wouldn't go and leave her, etc. I don't know if my Mum even hears what I'm saying. She doesn't seem to respond to me cradling her, but I feel I have to try and comfort and reassure her. I find it truly heartbreaking listening to her.

    I'm assuming this is probably a commom problem and would welcome the benefit of others' experiences and advice.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Chess, yes, it is quite a common problem, but that doesn't make it any the less distressing.

    You are doing all you can in trying to comfort her.

    Would your mum accept a soft toy? Some of the ladies in John's home love to cuddle large teddies, sometimes almost as big as they are. They seem to get great comfort from snuggling their faces into them. One of them insists on feeding her lunch to her's, so it spends quite a lot of time in the laundry, but that's another problem!

    You may have already thought of that, but if now, it's worth a try.

    Love,
     
  3. CHESS

    CHESS Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    136
    LANCS.
    Skye,

    Many thanks for your reassurance. Yes, my Mum has a big cuddly lamb. It's her friend, and is definitely a source of comfort to her.....at most times!

    If past experience is anything to go by, my Mum will be back to her "normal" confused self in the morning.

    I wish you all a peaceful night.

    Lovexx
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,718
    Kent
    Oh CHESS,
    Dhiren also wants to go to see his mother and his grandmother, so I know how upsetting it is.
    I have told him they must have died. He knows my mother and grandmother have died so I feel it`s all right to say that to him.
    It might not be right for your mother, only you will know that.
    And thank goodness it does seem to be forgotten by the next morning.
     
  5. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Chess

    How heartbreaking. I can't imagine anything will take away that experience your mum has from time to time and I can't imagine anything making it easier for you at the actual time. It is heartbreaking. BUT you might find it helpful to reach out as soon as you can afterwards so that you can feel reassured and cared for.

    Love Helen
     
  6. SharonLyons

    SharonLyons Registered User

    Dec 10, 2006
    32
    Ilford, Essex
    Yes my mum also wants her mum and dad. If we go out, she says they will wonder where she is. Sometimes, when she is at home and I have to go, she asks where her mum and dad are and when they will be coming back or she says that she will need to go home to them and wonders how she will get there. How terrible this illness is and how sad.
    Sharon x
     
  7. knackered

    knackered Registered User

    Apr 8, 2008
    21
    Sussex
    CHESS,

    I'm so sorry. My mum is like Sharon's, has not yet got to the inconsolable stage like yours, but I still find it hard.

    I'm sure you are doing the right thing gently cradling her (we could all do with that!). Would she like you to sing to her?

    I've read that touch is an important form of reassurance and comfort to many alzheimer's patients. Even my mother - who was the last person on earth to be touchy-feely now enjoys a cuddle, stroke or hug.

    Stroking can be particularly soothing. And find someone to give YOU a cuddle!

    knackered
     
  8. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    68
    Kent
    wanting mum and dad

    Oh dear. My story is just the same. My mum asks for her parents. I used to (gently) explain they are dead.Very upsetting for us all. Now I follow what the care home do......just tell her they are fine, no haven't seen them for a while, perhaps tomorrow/ when the buses are running again/ when dad has finished shift work. Whatever is appropriate for the occassion.
    Dear Chess, perhaps when mum cries that she wants them you could agree you do too and say something about not tonight.......you'll have to make do with lamb or me etc.
    It seems to me that it is wanting to go back to a time when things were safe and secure and understandable.Mum thinks she still goes to school or sometimes work, and goes home to her dad. My dad,who is dead now too, her husband, she no longer remembers.
    Zadok x
     
  9. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    HI Chess

    Before going into the NH we discovered that my Mum would wander with ehr dog in the local park, and was once found sitting there by a friend waiting for her Mum and Aunt to go shopping.

    Mum often waited for her Mum. I think you look for that security when Mum makes everything OK again.

    I think that the soft toy and just saying that she'ss see Mum as soon as is possible with a little distraction like a cup of tea and a biscuit sometimes helps.

    (((Hugs)))

    Mameeskye
     
  10. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,989
    Toronto, Canada
    My mother kept asking how her parents & particularly her mother were. At the very beginning I said her mother had died. This, of course, brought on floods of tears etc. I quickly learned to say they were fine, the same as always. When she said wanted to go see them, I would say "Yes, let's do that tomorrow because today I have to........." whatever lie sounded plausible to her.

    The aim is to gently distract and reassure. This does pass, eventually my mother stopped asking about her parents. But it's heartbreaking while it goes on.
     

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