My mum's memory...

[wilko]

Hi

I'm Iain, a new member caring for my mum who has early onset vascular dementia and takes low-dosage Aricept. Her memory is quite bad. At the moment she keeps a calendar prominently displayed in the kitchen and a shopping list. She checks these daily and has done so for a number of years. Just recently, without consultation of other family, my sister has imposed a further exercise book for my mum to fill in, with daily events.
It has caused some friction, and I feel it is a step too far for my mum to take on. To me, all it seems to do is reinforce her cognitive impairment and create more anxiety for her. Last week she was in tears as she considered her worsening memory....but does it really matter?
Isn't she doing well enough just keeping a calendar and shopping list? Any feedback from other would be appreciated...

 

[Katrine]

Soon enough she won't be able to use them, so I agree, encourage her to use her own aides memoires, don't try to impose new ones.

I stupidly tried to introduce a shopping list book so that family members could help MIL buy the things she needed instead of being telephoned and asked to go on emergency runs for milk and bread when the fridge was already full of these. MIL said she felt rushed when we came to help with the shopping so the idea was that she could write things down at her leisure. Didn't work of course, she always wrote her shopping lists on scraps of paper so why would an exercise book that I imposed be useful? I bought a really large A4 book with colourful pictures of food on the cover, so that it couldn't be folded up and hidden as easily. What a numpty I was! It just got put in the paper recycling box instead.

Your sister might consider an alternative. For about 2 years we found it useful to fill in a visitor's book at MIL's house. Initially it was to provide a record of visits and activities she did with family because she couldn't remember these and was so sad that no-one ever visited her. The book also helped family members to keep track of incidents and who was dealing with what. The grandchildren would do drawing in it and little loving messages. Very occasionally she would write in it herself.

About a year ago the book started to be hidden and so I bought a second one so that there was some chance of us finding one of them when we visited! In the end we had to give up because it was obvious that the book was a source of distress. How must it feel if you have NO memory of any of the things written in it? Like a sci-fi movie, or a horror film, where you feel that everyone else is living in a parallel dimension to which you have no access.

Not to put you off, just saying it doesn't work forever. It sounds as if your Mum is at the stage where a Visitors Book might be helpful, to her and to you. Talk to your sister and see what she thinks.

 

[Katrine]

Whoops, sorry Iain, welcome to TP. I didn't spot that you were a new member.

 

[wilko]

Whoops, sorry Iain, welcome to TP. I didn't spot that you were a new member.

Thanks Katrine....that's helpful.

Iain

 

[Linbrusco]

Hi Iain, welcome to TP. As you can see there are members from the corners of the globe
My Mum 72 was diagnosed finally two months ago with mid stage Alzheimers.
She is about to start Aricept.
For the past year she has had a white board smack bang on the middle of her fridge where I write important reminders. Even then she will not look at it.
She has a calendar with Birthdays etc marked off. It's mostly invisible
She has a magnetic shopping list pad on her fridge to write down grocery items... No she writes down her grocery list on a piece of paper and then promptly loses it, which causes her great agitation.
A few months back I bought her a bright green box to place on her kitchen counter, as she was always losing her glasses, in the hopes that she would put all her important things in one place.
The next day the box was found in her wardrobe.

Funnily enough Mum has a little note book that we wrote things in, when she was admitted to hospital back in January for surgery, as we knew that she would forget everything. This notebook she never loses, and she reads it constantly.

I have quickly learnt there is no rhyme or reason to what Mum will remember and what she won't.
How she can remember what time and day her favourite TV programme is on, but can't remember how old she is. So far she still guesses her 70's
How she can remember the date her grandson is arriving from overseas in December, but can't remember what she had for dinner.

I would tell your sister though of your Mums distress.

 

[Officeboy Sean]

I would think it seems silly to force the exercise book idea on your Mum if it is causing her any worry/distress. I think it is a nice idea of your sisters to try to have a way of chatting about things that have happened but if it is not working or upsetting your Mum I feel it should just go down as a worthy attempt and be quietly abandoned - possibly thanking her for coming up with an idea worth trying to avoid seeming ungrateful.
You really have to go with whatever your Mum is happy doing - I am lucky that my fiancee who is a nursing home with Frontotemporal dementia at age 60 can still text, so during the day I am always informed as to when she has cups of tea and/or biscuits, what she has for meals and what time I am visiting that evening. The communication is much more limited than before but it is a form of contact and hopefully makes her feel more secure (though she does phone me telling me to "respond" if I do not reply within a minute or two!)

 

[wilko]

I would think it seems silly to force the exercise book idea on your Mum if it is causing her any worry/distress. I think it is a nice idea of your sisters to try to have a way of chatting about things that have happened but if it is not working or upsetting your Mum I feel it should just go down as a worthy attempt and be quietly abandoned - possibly thanking her for coming up with an idea worth trying to avoid seeming ungrateful.
You really have to go with whatever your Mum is happy doing - I am lucky that my fiancee who is a nursing home with Frontotemporal dementia at age 60 can still text, so during the day I am always informed as to when she has cups of tea and/or biscuits, what she has for meals and what time I am visiting that evening. The communication is much more limited than before but it is a form of contact and hopefully makes her feel more secure (though she does phone me telling me to "respond" if I do not reply within a minute or two!)

Thanks Sean....

 

[wilko]

Hi Iain, welcome to TP. As you can see there are members from the corners of the globe
My Mum 72 was diagnosed finally two months ago with mid stage Alzheimers.
She is about to start Aricept.
For the past year she has had a white board smack bang on the middle of her fridge where I write important reminders. Even then she will not look at it.
She has a calendar with Birthdays etc marked off. It's mostly invisible
She has a magnetic shopping list pad on her fridge to write down grocery items... No she writes down her grocery list on a piece of paper and then promptly loses it, which causes her great agitation.
A few months back I bought her a bright green box to place on her kitchen counter, as she was always losing her glasses, in the hopes that she would put all her important things in one place.
The next day the box was found in her wardrobe.

Funnily enough Mum has a little note book that we wrote things in, when she was admitted to hospital back in January for surgery, as we knew that she would forget everything. This notebook she never loses, and she reads it constantly.

I have quickly learnt there is no rhyme or reason to what Mum will remember and what she won't.
How she can remember what time and day her favourite TV programme is on, but can't remember how old she is. So far she still guesses her 70's
How she can remember the date her grandson is arriving from overseas in December, but can't remember what she had for dinner.

I would tell your sister though of your Mums distress.

All this strikes a chord. Thank you