My Mum's in hospital

[LindaD]

Having found it really hard to let go and cry over my own emotional state while currently undergoing chemotherapy, my poor old Mum, who has dementia ("nothing wrong with my memory!"), went into hospital two days ago and is quite seriously ill, so now I really am crying.

The care home called me and I went with her in the ambulance. The consultant asked to see me to prepare me for the worst case scenario - she has an infection which could go either way....she is only 81 and never normally ill. She is so confused about being there and why ("I'm not ill, who says I'm ill?") and doesn't want to do what they say ("What's this thing doing in my arm?"). She is missing my stepdad who is stuck in a wheelchair after his stroke and in the home and he is stressing cos he is missing her...I had to get a nurse when I left yesterday to stop her getting out of bed (complete with tubes and drips) and following me.

My brother is visiting her today I will visit stepdad later to reassure him again, other brother (step) will visit his Dad tomorrow but I am nearest so it will be me for both of them the rest of the week - I am just so fed up with seeing that bl***y hospital!

On the practical side, we have to work out how to get him over to see her if things get worse. So much to think about.

I am so scared and fed up with my whole life at the moment! I really don't want any of this to be happening. I always find myself going back to that John Lennon qoute "Life is what happens, when you're busy making other plans" which he put in one of his songs for his son shortly before he got shot and died.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Kayla]

Hospital

My Mum was also upset being in hospital and tried to climb out of bed with the rails up(she'd just had a hip replacement!) There is no easy answer, but perhaps they will be able to put her in a smaller, more friendly ward later or send her back to the home. Mum is still very unsettled even after six months. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Linda,
All you can do is hang on in there. What does Norman say, Day by Day? You will get through this.
Sending a hug.
Love Amy

 

[Áine]

Hi LindaD ...... this sounds like the worst kind of nightmare. It sounds a bit like you're trying to juggle between looking after mum and step dad and maybe not remembering to take care of yourself. It's not easy, and I know I don't take my own advice but you really do need to pace yourself when you've not been well either.

It is possible to not take it all on yourself? Brothers might not be so geographically close to them, but perhaps they need to do more when you're not well. Can the care home help? My dad's nh are taking him to hospital appointment next month because I can't manage it .... maybe the care home could sort out taking your step dad to see mum, or maybe it's worth talking to Stroke Association or Crossroads for some help with it?

hugs

Áine

 

[Margarita]

Yes sounds like you’re being pulled in all different direction emotionally, why not ask your brother or step brother to stay in your home, while this is all going on it sounds like it going to be to much for you to be visiting your mum & step dad.

Why are they leavening it all up to you ,when they know that your having chemotherapy, they do know that don’t they ?

 

[LindaD]

Thank you for replies

My brother is in Leicestershire and stepbrother other side of London. Me here on the spot as it were.
Brother visited Mum yesterday - I did stepdad as only down the road to home. He cried! Brother says Mum less agitated yesterday but still tried to get out of bed!
Brother taking day off on Tuesday and going to visit her again.
Stepbrother visiting his dad today - me visit Mum.
Mum's brother phoned too - he wants to come down on Weds and take me out to lunch before visiting Mum.
So not toooooo bad so far.

Only got 2 bed house and both occupied - daughter living with us at present.

They have identifed the infection as a blood infection, infecting the balance in her bloodstream (?) and also her kidneys and is what is making her breathing shallow. Now that they know they can use the right antibiotics although will take a few days to kick in. Doesn't alter worst case scenario but fingers crossed.

My treatment has a break for 2 weeks so I am better able to cope for a while until the next lot anyway!

Onwards and upwards and thank you ALL for the replies.

 

[Margarita]

Linda Yes onward & upward, thanks for sharing

Peace be with you ((Hugs)))

 

[Amy]

Never mind fingers, everything crossed for your mum Linda. Enjoy your lunch on Wednesday.
Final thought, a house is as big and roomy as the hearts of the people who live in it; sounds as though you live in a mansion!
Love Amy

 

[rummy]

Hi Linda,
I honestly can't imagine going through chemo with all else you have to deal with. Stress isn't our friend in the best of circumstances and I hope you will take what ever measures you need to for relaxation and mental rejuvenation. This is the time for you to take care of yourself first and I know that seems impossible in your situation but I hope you will be able to give yourself priority.
We can only do our best by our folks but we aren't going to make them happy. Safe, warm and fed......content when possible. Happy comes and goes in a second only to be forgotten.
Please, take care of yourself, ask for help and try not to shoulder all the burden yourself. I am as guilty about not letting go and thinking I have to handle everything for my Mom and Step Dad when there are 5 other siblings ! ( I too am the only one close). I'll try to take my own advice!
Thinking of you,
Debbie

 

[LindaD]

Thank you

Thank you for all your replies. I am coping somehow, Mum is a lot worse so couldn't climb out of bed at the moment if she tried! She is drifting in and out of awareness - she is not seeing us all the time even when she is not asleep. She actually has a streptococcal infection in her bloodstream which is apparently quite rare, her breathing is affected, her mouth is very dry and she is having trouble speaking and is hard to understand when she does speak.

Having said that, she did ask what she was doing there and if she was ill what was wrong with her and why hadn't she seen a doctor????? The funny thing was when the doctor asked her to lift her right arm I had to tell him she didn't know which one that was!

Brother has been all the way over here twice this week and coming again on Thursday.

Stepbrother has been to see his dad twice too, which is normally unheard off as he is usually conspicuous by his absence!

We are just hoping that the antibiotics are going to kick in soon and she will improve. I would prefer to have the continual circular conversations than this!

Thanks again all of you.

 

[Kayla]

Mum in Hospital

Dear Linda,
I'm glad things seem a little better for you now and your family are helping out with the visiting etc. After my Mum had her hip replacement, the physiotherapist from hospital said that she couldn't listen to instructions so they couldn't help her. She did get back on her feet at the nursing home, but is unable to walk now. She keeps forgetting that she can't walk, which is sad. Her rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis have made her limbs very thin and weak. At least she doesn't seem to be in so much pain as she was before, or maybe she is less aware of it.
I took my dog to see her on Saturday and the nurse said that it really lifted her spirits. I'm taking my other dog this morning and I hope she behaves as well as her brother.
Thinking of you, I hpoe your Mum is comfortable.
Kayla

 

[Amy]

Just to say thinking of you and your mum Linda.
Amy

 

[mel]

Hi Linda
It's good to hear your family are rallying round you and I ,too,am thinking about you and your mum....you're in a terrible situation at the moment and I honestly don't know how you are coping,especially with your own chemo
Take care
Wendyx

 

[noelphobic]

Dear Linda,
After my Mum had her hip replacement, the physiotherapist from hospital said that she couldn't listen to instructions so they couldn't help her. She did get back on her feet at the nursing home, but is unable to walk now. She keeps forgetting that she can't walk, which is sad. Her rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis have made her limbs very thin and weak. At least she doesn't seem to be in so much pain as she was before, or maybe she is less aware of it.
Kayla

Hi Kayla

My mum had a hip replacement last year and is now in a wheelchair, even though I think she could and should walk again. She had very limited physio in hospital and after she left she had none at all for a long time. She also seems to forget that she is wheelchair bound and if you suggest going to another room she goes to get out of her wheelchair. When she was in the hospital the ward staff suggested she go to a rehab ward but they refused her twice! I strongly believe that this was because of her dementia, she was just written off basically.

I do believe her quality of life is adversely affected because she doesn't walk but on the other hand if she started walking again I would be worried she could have another fall and end up back in hospital. Between the devil and the deep blue sea really!

 

[Kayla]

Hip Replacement

Hi Noelphobic, My Mum went into a care home last year because she was finding it hard to cope, physically and mentally at 80. She walked with a stick and could cope with a little help from care staff, but she was a little vague and confused about times. She improved with the routine and they were happy to look after her. Her fall and broken hip wrecked everything. The hospital left her for 48 hours before doing the hip replacement. She was so stiff and sore afterwards (with the rheumatoid arthritis) that it was too painful for her to weight bear. She didn't eat and lost weight and the hospital didn't seem to know how to look after elderly people. They didn't call her by name (no name cards over beds) and she rapidly went downhill. The home did take her back but couldn't cope.
From being in the early stages of vascular dementia, the hospital have propelled her into a nursing home for the elderly and EMI. She has had no physiotherapy to speak of and she is in a wheelchair and incontinent. She managed her own needs before with only an occaisonal accident. Perhaps hospitals should have care workers to help look after the elderly, in the same way as education and play are provided for children in hospital.
Best wishes, Kayla

 

[moviefan318]

hi Kayla
My mum has just ended a 3 week stay in hospital and I found the staff gave mum very good care they even had a nurse with her day and night, to make sure she never wandered, even with a ward full of patients who had had surgery,and on the days that she could not feed herself they helped her,and when she could got out of bed they took her for walks.I'm sorry that your mum s stay in hospital was not as good, thats why we always have to moan and complain as thats the only to make the care better for our loved ones
carol

 

[noelphobic]

Perhaps hospitals should have care workers to help look after the elderly, in the same way as education and play are provided for children in hospital.
Best wishes, Kayla

You are absolutely right. Elderly people, especially those with dementia, need specialist care whilst in hospital.

When my mum was in last time (for 8 weeks) some of the staff were very good and very patient with her. Sometimes when I arrived for visiting she was being fed which I know must have taken a long time. A lot of the patients were also very kind and looked out for her.

I think my mum's saving grace is that she is usually very placid and very likeable so most people tend to warm to her.

 

[Lila13]

They took my mother into hospital (for 4 weeks, they said) to "build her up". 5 days later she died.

It was a special ward for elderly people with psychiatric problems, and much too far away for frequent visits.

Lila

 

[Amy]

So sorry Lila; it must have been such a shock for you.
Best wishes, Amy.

 

[Lila13]

When I heard she'd been sent there I thought at least in there she will be safe, they won't let her wander out at night and if she doesn't eat and drink enough they'll put her on a drip.

Lila