1. dianemb

    dianemb Registered User

    Aug 17, 2006
    Hi all, I have just found this place thankfully. My Mum passed away 1st September, just 6 weeks ago and days are not getting better. I miss her so much. She had Dementia with Lewy Body and although she was in a nursing home I used to visit her and was able to see her. When she passed away I missed her last breath just by 15 minutes and at the time I was okay about it. My Dad and brother were with her. Now, however, i cannot get it out of my mind. I wish I had stayed at the hospital, I wish I had been with her at the end. I had spent so much time with her during the long 5 weeks she was in hospital. Also I have this feeling, when I think of not seeing her anymore, I struggle to breath for a couple of seconds or so. its awful.
    I know that we are all suffering. its good to have a place to come and write it all down. thanks for listening
    Diane x
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Diane,
    Good to hear from you. Mum was OK at the end; she will have felt your love even though you were not there. Have heard people talk about 'out of body experiences' when you are dying - so if they do occur, your mum will have known that you were trying to be with her. I know that may well be little comfort to you at the moment. Give yourself time - the pain will lessen, eventually. You know that you did all you could for your mum.
    Take care,
    Love Helen
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Diane. So sorry about your Mum. So many people spend hours by the side of the ones they love the most and are not there when they die. My Mother spent every spare hour at my Father`s bedside and he died at 2 a.m. when she was asleep in her own bed. My closest friend has just lost her husband. She was by his side every day, from morning till nighttime. He also died when she was at home.
    I know this won`t help you. Nothing I say will help you. But when you find it hard to breathe, try to be calm, take deep, deep breaths, think of your Mother and allow yourself to grieve.
    Take care Sylvia
  4. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Diane

    I was with my partner when he died 16 weeks ago................i'd spent 12 weeks sleeping in the icu waiting room, then as he improved a little and was moved, i spent every moment i could with him.............the last two weeks of his life i slept (if you could call it sleep) in a chair at the side of his bed with my head on his shoulder, i held his hand all through the night, every night....................i was there when he stopped breathing........and honey...... it makes no difference to the pain your feeling.............i know that every experience is different and this is just my opinion but its something i could never do again in my life, not for anyone............i know you think that you might feel better now if you had been there, but i don't think you would...........i thought i would feel better being there, but it just made it worse................by that i don't mean that my pain is worse than yours..........i just don't think that its the comfort to either you or your mum that we're lead to believe it is.

    I'm sorry to sound like doom & gloom and i know that this will not be of any comfort to you, but like you, i'd have been upset if i had not been there, but now i can look from the otherside and say that i wish i hadn't been!
    I don't suppose anyone can get it right when it comes to something like this.

    Alex x
  5. perfectpatience

    perfectpatience Registered User

    Oct 3, 2006
    Hi Diane. If it is any comfort to you I would like to tell you my experience...and hope you migjht feel a little better. In January a very close aunt of mine passed away. Her illness had come on very quick (bowel cancer) only because she kept alot hidden from me (her neice) and her daughter...not wanting to upset us. Anyway she told us she had this awful illness in November...had an operation...but it was too late...and we all decided a hospice was the best place for her to be in her 'final' hour. The waiting for the last 'breath' was something I had never experienced...and it took weeks. Someone was with her at all times...her daughter constantly stayed at the hospital 24/7. The last hours before she finally passed away was the most unforgettable and awful thing I ever had to go through. If you had been with your mum at the last minute Diane...you would defantly wished you wasn't there. My cousin (her daughter) missed her mother taking her last breath...(she went to the bathroom for 3 mins). it was like my aunt waited for her to leave the room...not wishing her to see her die. My cousin still cannot get over she was not there at the final minute....but as I was it really affected me and will till the day I die. God bless Diane...be strong...remember your mum ...and now she is at peace....think how she would want you to act....how she would want you to be....and be strong from that. PP xx
  6. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi perfectpatience

    I'm relieved to hear that someone else felt the same as i did, (i was beginning to think i was the only one) but like you, it was my first experience of veiwing someone die (sorry......i tell a lie, i was present when my brother was killed in an accident when i was 6 years old, but that was totally different to this).............i felt i had to be there for him and maybe that was always going to be tough because he was my partner and he was still relatively young.........i know not everyone will feel the same, but i found it to be one of the worse experiences of my life, infact i've no doubt that the flashbacks will haunt me for the rest of my life!


    I know i'm not saying anything that will make you feel better.............i'm sorry honey, but i wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy!

    Love Alex x
  7. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Diane

    I was with my dad when he died at the end of July this year. I very nearly wasn't. Having sat with him for hours, a carer had come to give me a few minutes break. I was almost out the door when I looked back and realised he was opening his eyes (after a week of having them continually shut). He died about 15 minutes later. On the one hand I feel hugely relieved that I didn't miss being there, but like Alex and PP say, it was awful at the same time, and I think it will haunt me for a long time to come. I don't think there's a good way through this ....... if you're not there chances are you feel bad, if you're there you wish you hadn't seen it and that wasn't the last memory of them. Either way, losing them is painful.

    You spent so long with your mum Diane, giving her care and love in those last weeks. Don't let the fact that you weren't there right at the end take that away from you.

  8. mw52

    mw52 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2006

    Hi Diane
    I have been wondering how you are. There are no right words but a lot of people are thinking of you and share your pain.
    Take care
  9. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I'm sorry about your mother, Diane.

    I wish I had been with mine when she died too, but the staff at the hospital didn't know she was dying, they were expecting her to stay for about a month to be "built up".

    I keep wondering what was going on in her mind during those last few days.

    And people seem to expect us to "move on" so fast, after all the time spent looking after loved ones and rushing around trying to do whatever is best for them.

    I don't know whether it's easier for those who were there for the last breath.

  10. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    My Dad died nearly 30 years ago (cancer) but I still find that my breath catches in my throat, and tears threaten, if I hear someone whistling a tune when I'm out in the garden. Dad loved working his garden (& allotment) and always "whistled while he worked"; you don't hear people whistling or singing out loud very much these days, do you.
    It's sad that something which was so cheerful then still causes me pain even now; I'd have thought by now it would be a happy memory, but grieving doesn't end just like that.
  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    I've been drawn to this section today - not because of mum, but dad whose funeral was 7 years ago today ...

    Lynne, I couldn't agree more with your post .... I read the 'Anniversaries' thread and thought how is it the date of his death and funeral are etched on my heart but I can't remember exactly what day it was we had that great time doing such-and-such ...? perhaps I should make a note of special (good) dates ....? Problem with that is remembering the bad times gives a sense of comfort and relief (as in the suffering is over) ... remembering the good times reinforces the sense of loss of all that went before.....

    Diane, and everyone else here ... I remember seven years ago to this day being told 'You never get over it, you just learn to live with it.' At the time I thought that was an odd thing to say ... today, if I were to repeat those words of what have turned out to be wisdom to someone else, perhaps I would re-phrase it slightly: 'Don't put pressure on yourself to get over it. You will reach a point of acceptance. It will never be easy - but it WILL get easier.'

    Seven years on and I can still break my heart ... but it doesn't happen every day now ... just those fleeting moments when a song or a memory triggers something .... and every now and again something triggers a smile, or laughter ... the warm glow of how much love was shared between us .... and for me, the solace in 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.'

    Today is a day for breaking my heart ... and if the only thing I have learnt over the last seven years it's not to even try fight the feeliing....

    Take care all, much love, Karen, x
  12. zan

    zan Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Mum's first anniversary will be next Sunday. I never thought that I would be a person who gets upset about anniversaries but as the day approaches I feel that I am getting more and more depressed. Hearing that for other people, you feel the same, makes me feel a bit reassured. I feel as though when Mum died , people were sympathetic and would talk about about it , but now, they would think I was being miserable and boring to talk about how I'm feeling. Zan
  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Tina, Zan and Karen,
    You are three very special people - sending you all a hug. We are here and ready to listen whenever you want to talk.
    Lots lof love,
  14. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Zan and Tina, especially.... I've got past midnight so officially now it's NOT an anniversary ..... but what I often do on anniversaries is cook things that dad would have loved - dolmades - his great favourite .. belly pork which we all hate - but to him was a luxury having been brought up in the depression on broken eggs and biscuits... and how he told told those tales of urban living in the 1930s.... :rolleyes: oh, how one day it can make you smile and another tear you apart......

    Just a thought ... but sometimes we do have a 'celebration' meal when we sit around a table and say 'Dad would have loved this'.... so I still do it for him.... and somewhere, I'm sure, he's having a good old laugh at me still doing it for him...... I think I'll put him in charge of the Christmas menu!!!! And we'll have smiles ... and raise a glass... and, yes, cry too........

    No, it never goes away ... it's a case of keep learning how best to deal with it.....
    and somehow embrace the best of it.....

    Much love all, Karen, x
  15. dianemb

    dianemb Registered User

    Aug 17, 2006

    Hi all, thanks for being here
    We had a community memorial yesterday to the recently beareaved. How sad it was, yet how nice to mark Mums memory again. I just love to do anything that has Mum in mind. I miss her so much and although I have so many happy thoughts I am having some really awful thoughts too. Its about her being buried, what is happening to her now. My doctor says its all natural but I cant help think that its not. I dont know if anyone else is here with me in these thoughts. Its only been 8 weeks and I really want to see her again just for a moment
    Diane x
  16. zan

    zan Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Diane, You are not the only one to have strange thoughts. At first, I felt I couldn't go to the cemetry because I just saw, in my mind, my Dad's body in the clothes the undertaker had dressed him in when I saw him in the chapel of rest. They looked awful, not like him at all. It's a horriible feeling. Two things help a little. One is to have a lovely picture of my Mum and Dad, somewhere prominent in the house. I have one of them both happy and smiling and every time I go past it I smile back at them and say 'Hello'. The other is to try talking to them in my head. It is early days for you yet and things will begin to get better gradually, but you can't rush it. Take care and a big hug from Zan
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #17 Margarita, Nov 6, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2006

    I have those thought when my father , died 4 years ago Diana , I use to also have nightmares, but then as the mouths turn in to years , my father would always pop in to my dreams , but this time they where nice . a grief councillor told me about the dreams it was just my mind processing it all , so your doctor must have been right , because I wonder that even now and then , but seeing that we our all made of atom that star are made of, my dad soul must of gone back to the stars , that thought help me .

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