1. PurplePoppy

    PurplePoppy Registered User

    Oct 3, 2005
    53
    This Mother's Day was hard for me. Mum's birthday was the day after Mother's Day, so I'd planned on taking mum out for lunch. BUT we didn't go. Come the morning it was very wet and windy, and mum was walking even slower than usual as her arthritis was playing up. She was also even more out of it than usual. She kept talking about 'the other people', and 'those down the end' :confused: Also she didn't seem to know who I was. I was some nice lady who had come in to do the dinner.

    For a while now dad says she seems to think he is someone else, yet she readily gets into bed at night with him. ;)

    She sleeps more in the day now. It's strange but she doesn't look like my mum when she falls alseep during the day. She slumps in the chair, with her head lolled forward. When she wakes up she's even more confused.

    I don't think they'll be many more chances to go out, so I want to make the most of them. We used to love going out together. Now I take her, but it's like she's not there.

    I feel like the roles have been reversed and I'm now the mum. I'm trying to show her the love she showed me, but sometimes it's just so hard. Still, tomorrow is another day.
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Purple Poppy,
    It is so hard, you are right.
    I think people with dementia become sleepy because when they are awake their brains have to work harder than ours do, to try and make sense of the world. When they wake up it seems to take them a bit longer to get their brain up to speed.
    There will still be opportunities, but they will be different. Mum as you have always known her is disappearing, but she is still your mum. You will still be able to take her out, and you will still enjoy each others company, but it will become more and more that you are organising activities that your mum will enjoy, and you can enjoy them because it is making her happy and you are sharing good time together.
    Maybe as the weather gets warmer, mum will be in less discomfort from the arthritis, I think any other condition exacerbates the dementia.
    Take care,
    Amy
     
  3. PurplePoppy

    PurplePoppy Registered User

    Oct 3, 2005
    53
    Thanks for your quick reply Amy.

    It's hard to take mum out now, as she is in her own little world, and gets confused and agitated if you try to take her out of it. Also it is a struggle to get her to wear something appropriate. Indoors she wears what she likes, even if it is inside out, back to front, two skirts at once, thin summer clothes in the midst of winter, nightie and skirts, the list goes on.:eek:

    She doesn't feed herself very well and has to wear an apron.

    She can also be, well quite frankly, bloody minded. She seems to deliberately not do something because you've asked her too.

    Last summer I took her out for drives in the car and we would stop at a cafe and have a pot of tea. On the drive I'd point out a nice tree in blossom, or some squirrels, or something, but I'd often not even get a response. We'd get back home and she say something like 'I'm glad that's over'. Well excuse me for caring and trying to brighten her day. :mad:

    I try and take each day as it comes now. Who knows maybe, just maybe tomorrow my mum will be back. She does come back sometimes. To me it's like she's gone away, but comes back to visit occassionally. I long for those rare days.
     
  4. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    627
    Yorkshire
    Purplepoppy
    Your post struck so many cords with me, so many similarities to how my Mum is. All we can do is take a day at a time and hope that what we do and how we care gets through the tangle in our loved ones minds. Mum said to me tonight (sat on the settee holding hands with Dad!) 'I don't know his name but he's a very nice man, do you think I should keep him?':confused: I think she was trying to make a joke, but you can never be certain with this d....d disease! Enjoy the little 'visits' even if they are slightly strange. Thinking of you, take care.
     
  5. PurplePoppy

    PurplePoppy Registered User

    Oct 3, 2005
    53
    Thanks May for your reply.

    I've never been so glad to find something, as I was when I found this web site. For the first time I realised that unfortunately I wasn't alone. I don't post that often, but I do read other peoples posts. It's amazing how many times a question I had is answered by them. Sometimes I can laugh, others I cry, but I always feel that this site has been a life line.

    Dad's had to take the locks off the bathroom and toilet doors, as mum got locked in the other day. Luckily she wasn't panicking:eek: Mum yesterday was talking about 'the other people' again. Also she seems to think that I have two dogs, when I only have one. She's also got a fixation at the moment with old diaries. She has a little trolley by her chair and they are all standing up, as if they were cards to be shown off. I guess it's just another phase, which will go when the new one comes in, whatever that will be :eek:
     
  6. daisymaid

    daisymaid Registered User

    Mar 7, 2006
    15
    lincoln uk
    my mum also

    Just got in from work really tired,should i make the effort to go and see mum when all she does is sleep,she doesnt even no who anyone is i get so upset cant handle going to the nursing home.Wish she could live with us but thats not feasible.

    I have one sister who hadnt visited mum in 3yrs then had a phone call from home to say mum hasnt eaten or drunk hardly anything in 3wks and prognosis wasnt good,did the usual calls to all famil.Low and behold she would only visit mum if i would go with her, so off we went she was shocked at how thin and frail she is what i am getting at is i thought mum might just wake up and recognise her it was then that i knew my mum had really gone .

    Sorry waffling again

    thanx for being here
    daisymaid
     
  7. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi daisymaid

    WAFFLE AWAY i say!!
    im so sorry your mum is at the stage she's at, we admitted my mum back to hospital last week becouse we think she's getting to the "who are you" stage she see's the consultant today so we should have a clearer view soon.
    Im sure when my mum gets that bad i'll be feeling exactly the same as you are now, i dont really want to visit her now (and i feel really bad about that) its just guilt i suppose that keeps me going,
    I really really want to be there for her but seeing her fade away before my eyes is heartbreaking as im sure you know only too well.
    (who waffling now):eek:

    just wanted to wish you well
     
  8. daisymaid

    daisymaid Registered User

    Mar 7, 2006
    15
    lincoln uk
    hi donna

    Decided to stay home today my other sister visiting mum.A long as someone with her just holding hands and loving her.

    When i found this site i thought what a godsend didnt realise how many others just need to chat, wish i had found this site a fews years back might have helped me through many a hard time.Just finished doing mums accounts for the Public Guardian Office always get them right but panic doing legal things anyway.

    talk soon

    thanks for listening

    daisymaid
     
  9. daisymaid

    daisymaid Registered User

    Mar 7, 2006
    15
    lincoln uk
    hi donna

    Just to say when my mum was going through her who are you phase we had many a laugh,when she went to the nursing home the first time my dad was alive, he would get upset when he visited her and she was sat holding hands with a male patient saying he s such a nice man.Then she would look at dad and say there you are. where have you been,bet you been for a pint.

    Have so many funny memories its them that keep you going

    Take care

    daisymaid
     
  10. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi daisymaid

    sounded like you needed a day off, although like you i find even when im not there im doing things like phoning, paperwork, washing, ironing, etc although in fairness i probably owe mum about 20 years of washing and ironing, im with you on the legal stuff though havent got a clue:eek:
    take care

    your so right for the last few nights my mum has had tea with the queen and apparently she's not a bit like she is on the tele:confused:
     
  11. Tess

    Tess Registered User

    Nov 29, 2005
    22
    I live in west wales
    I have only posted once before because just reading everyone else's posts helps so much. My mum still knows who the immediate family are but she forgets people like her nephews and neices. We used to be so close and chat all the time but now, if I try to tell her anything, she'll just say something like 'I won't keep you then, I know you're busy' and put the phone down. You can't have a proper conversation with her any more. I find it hard but my poor dad is living with it 24/7. She can't watch TV because she can't follow anything, she can't read for the same reason, so she just sits and stares at my dad all evening.

    I used to take her to church almost every Sunday but her arthritis is so bad now that she finds it too much. Last time I took her she was wearing two skirts. It's unbelievable that she has deteriorated so much, both physically and mentally in the last six months. You can almost see the change in her week by week. I dread thinking about what the future holds. Reading these posts give me some idea of what's in store and I'm so glad that I found this site.

    Sometimes you could break your heart couldn't you. Sorry for having a waffle.
    Tess
     
  12. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Daisymaid,
    How is your mum doing? Is she taking in any more nourishment than she was? I hope that you have managed to rest this afternoon. Isn't it strange how we don't give up, even though we know our mums are in the advanced stages of dementia, we still hope that one day they will open their eyes and there will be that flash of recognition.
    Does anyone give you an idea of how long your mum has left? Stick with her Daisymaid; I know what you mean about the pain of going to the Nursing Home, and the worst bit is when you walk out the door I find. But you can do it; it hurts because you love your mum; your pain and tears are a tribute to her. You have walked with her this far on her journey - hopefully for her she is now reaching a more peaceful stage of it, for you it is agony. But keep holding her hand, you are not alone, your mum is there with you. And you have friends here, and we love it when you waffle, so don't apologise.
    Love
    Amy
     
  13. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
     
  14. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Norman,
    I've seen the picture of your grand-daughters,
    I've seen the picture of Peg's miniature daffodils.
    You can still feel love and see beauty. Maybe your motto needs amending to minute by minute, or second by second. You still have special times to share with Peg; there are still the "I love you's"; she still needs you to look on her with eyes of love, and to share her journey. I rarely look back at old pictures of mum, because I need my strength to love her as she is now. You are a very special man Norman. Take care.
    With love,
    Amy
     
  15. daisymaid

    daisymaid Registered User

    Mar 7, 2006
    15
    lincoln uk
    Hiya Amy

    Thanx for your kind words,mum still the same i dont think they no how long she has left but she seems perkier this week,still sleeping 23 hrs a day well seems like it, ive noticed that she is struggling with swallowing she stores food in her mouth she looks like a hamster bless her.

    My mum was a sister on a medical ward she use to look after people with dementia she actually worked in the nursing home where she is now strange how things turn out.

    Going with my sister soon to visit mum

    Will keep you informed hows she doing

    Thanx again its nice just to chat

    Love Daisymaid
     

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