My mum

[Chrisanne]

I have just discovered this forum and want to share my feelings with others who will hopefully understand.
My mum is 82 and has suffered from AD for about 10 years, the last 4 years she has been in a nursing home where I visit her regularly. My dad visits her most days.
She has gone through many of the stages described in various posts in this forum but now she is totally dependant on others and can't hold any sort of conversation. I'm not sure if she knows me - I try to tell her things in the hope I will get a flicker of memory but nothing seems to register.
Thankfully we still get a chuckle and smile from her which makes the painful visits worthwhile but it worries me whether she gets any pleasure out of her life. She would have been horrified to imagine herself like this - she is/was such a private and dignified person.
It really is torture seeing her suffering and gradually shutting down - is anyone else going through this stage of AD with their Mum?

 

[Tara]

Mum's

Hi Chrisanne, i know exactly how u feel. My mum is only 63 this year and she has had A.D for the past 10years. Last year we had to put my mum into a nursing home as she got too much for my dad. My nan was put into a home too and i vowed to my mum that it would never happen to her, god such a guilt trip now. But deep down i think she understood. she is slow getting worse because of this horrible disease. The other day i took my two sons(aged 11 & 7) to see her,but when we went in my mum had messed herself quite badly, usually i clean her up but with my sons being there i couldn't. I just wanted to find a hole, go in it and have a good cry. Ive always been very close to my mum,we used to tell each other every thing. She WAS my best friend!! When my mum 1st found out that she had A.D, we hugged and she told me she was gonna fight it, u see my my mum's mum had A.D too, i told my mum that i would be with her every step of the way. Sadly we all realise later, that no amount of fighting does any good. I miss my mum terribly. Ive even felt guilty because i wished that she could be put out of her misery(but really it was and still is, my misery). My mum's body is still on this earth but her mind is not. I have alot of anger inside me because my mum is/was the most caring, sensitive and loveable lady ive ever met.
I go regular to see my mum. Even though i hate going, i do miss her. Maybe we can't have a proper conversation, but at least she's still here so i can give her a hug and tell her how much i love her. On the days when she does recognise me, she tells me that she loves me too. Sorry if this is depressing for u to read, but i do know where your coming from. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone at all.
Tara.

 

[susan]

Dear Chrisanne
Join the club - my dad is only 73 and he has been in a nursing home for the past 3 1/2 years. He sadly is now at the stage that he has no recollection of any of us including my poor mum. He just sleeps and sits with his eyes shut, busy doing things with his hands - he was a herdsman - milked cows by hand. He acyually has no quality of life at all. The only thing he does well with assistance is to eat!!
It is painful, but i go to see him weekly to give him a hug and a cuddle, rub his bent over back, alongside, if he is awake feed him mini jaffa cakes.
I have over the past year accepted dad has gone, but it is essential to keep going to see him, just in case he does know we are there, but can't tell us. WHO KNOWS??
Keep strong, keep loving however hard it becomes - it does get easier, although i still have moments when i am with him that i wish he would just smile or respond. Take care Susan

 

[Brucie]

Susan is very right! "it is essential to keep going to see him, just in case he does know we are there, but can't tell us. WHO KNOWS??"

I look at it like we are a couple of mobile phones, my wife and I. Sometimes there is a signal, sometimes there isn't. Got to keep going to see her for that occasional connection. She may be expecting a call from me, or out of the blue she may try to make a call to me.

Wouldn't want to miss the connection when it comes. Nothing worse than calling someone and finding they are out, or receiving a call and not being able to say "Hi, I missed you".

And I don't believe my wife is out, yet. There's just a weak signal in her area. It's rude not to keep in touch.

 

[Chrisanne]

Mum

Thanks Tara, Susan and Brucie

I would never dream of stopping visiting my Mum - as you say, who knows... she might pick up signals from me and I do still get a smile which makes it all worthwhile.
It is coping with the emotions and feelings of guilt - have I done enough, do I visit her as often as I should, is there something I could do to make her situation easier????
We shared so much before this awful disease invaded her and there is so much I would love her to know about my life - don't get me wrong, I ALWAYS still tell her everything but it is weird to tell your Mum you have got married, your much-loved pet has died etc.etc.... and not get a response.
I have had plenty of time to come to terms with her condition but it is the gradual deterioration or 'shutting down' that disturbs me. A couple of years ago she would look up when I went in the room, now she rarely even looks at me, she hasn't told me she loves me for 2-3 years, but I know deep down she does and I tell her I love her every time I see her. Surely that and a hug must register somewhere to a Mum?
Anyway, I thank you all for sharing your feelings and my thoughts are with all of you who are going through this with a loved one.

Chrisanne