1. Alicat64

    Alicat64 Registered User

    Jun 29, 2013
    6
    Havent been on talking point for a long time but feel as you lot have all been in the same boat you may be the best to chat to.

    On 10th April 2019 my mum died from vascular dementia in her lovely care home.
    I was the only person with her at the time .... I used to be a nurse and thought I would cope with seeing her go as have experienced people dying many times.
    But it seemed awful and although I know in my heart of hearts she was painfree watching her take her last gasp will never leave me......so many flash backs

    I am the oldest in my family and have done all the organising for mum , had poa etc for the last 6 years and I dont know if its just hitting me big time but now we have taken her ashes to be with her parents Im just not coping too well.

    Days are ok as I work and have a family but evenings I find myself unable to read ( which I love) and just watch tv or browse stuff on my phone. Dont think dark evenings now are helping..

    My sensible head says Im just grieving but just needed to ask how you all coped???coping tactics??

    My husband has been good but his dad also has cancer so he has his own worries...

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,893
    Female
    Dundee
    I’m so sorry to read your news. Sending my sincere condolences.

    You ask how people coped. I think we are all different and we cope in different ways. It’s still very early days for you yet. I said on another thread earlier today that the old cliche that grieving is a roller coaster is so true. You’ll have up days and down days. The way I’ve coped with losing my husband three and a half years ago is that I have gone with the flow. Some days are good and others not so good.

    Keep coming to the forum. You’ll get lots of help and understanding here.

    I shared this with another member today. I think it’s so true so I’ll share it again,

    C4A7294C-1AB7-40A4-A255-D07562C6B9A2.jpeg
     
  3. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    that’s beautiful
    X
     
  4. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Im adopted & traced my biological mum over 20 years ago. She passed away 18 months ago & it’s taken me until recently to be able to go to smile & talk about her without the grief overwhelming me!

    I drank & ate to much as I couldn’t switch off ! Apparently a maternal trait! I was in bits & I just wanted to be able to talk to her again. I wanted my mum back just to cuddle with for a while.

    that void is always there & I am learning slowly how to not fall head first into it! It’s a slow process that at times feels overwhelming but the good days now out weigh the bad.

    I am trying to be my best version of myself to honour her memory. I don’t always manage but I’m still trying

    ((((((((hugs))))))))
     
  5. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    550
    Female
    Izzy is a wise woman; you can only work through grief in your own way and in your own time.

    How prophetic to read Kevin's words because I found a corner with glitter tucked in today.

    My dad died in March 2017, and these days I can talk and think about him without the waterworks, but for no reason I can think of, this afternoon I've been weepy and missing him desperately and I wish, wish, wish I could be next to him right now. I am hurting so much it's almost physical and all I can do is cry for him and for me.
    I know this intensity will pass, and dad will settle back into the corner of my heart I have allocated to him.

    You can't concentrate on reading so stick with what you can do - watching tv, browse and use the dark days of winter to shed your tears and most of all, be kind to yourself.
     
  6. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Sometimes it’s the weirdest things that set you off. Leopard print for me , mum loved a bit of glitz! Gold handbags & shoes get me every time as well!

    sending a big bear (((((((hug)))))))
     
  7. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,092
    Female
    East Midlands
    @Alicat64 grief is a very surreal emotion. These days I find it really hard to concentrate on things like watching TV or focusing on anything at all -so much has happened this year that I think my brain sometimes struggles to catch up with it all & so going with the flow is probably the best advice!
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    I find watching a tv show from when I was a teenager helped- murder she wrote! Firm fav as a young teenager. My husband laughs at my retro tv choices but it’s a comfort blanket of sorts.
     
  9. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    550
    Female
    Thank you @DesperateofDevon, I'd forgotten about the the old TV shows. 2017 and 2018 were both annus horribilis for us and I couldn't read/sew/knit/lace/garden/bake; I could watch Lewis/Morse/Vera/Murder She Wrote, etc- programmes I'd never bothered with first time round became comforters when I was bereft.
    Isn't that what is called chicken soup for the soul?
    Brains are amazing organs (until the wiring comes undone) and will sort out what your body can cope with when you are under duress, so listen to that inner voice, be gentle with yourself and switch the TV on.
     
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Oh I love that saying “ chicken soup for the soul!
    Xxx
     
  11. minet48

    minet48 Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    45
    My heartfelt condolences. I really feel for you. I lost my mum to dementia a couple of months ago and am all over the place a lot of the time. I identify with so much of what you say - specially the not being able to read and do stuff. For what it's worth, I've tried lots of ways of coping and have come to the conclusion that I was trying too hard to cope if that makes any sense? I think I was also trying to skip the grief for the heart rending pain of it all - the cruel illness itself, the mum I lost so many years ago, the strange little person who was no longer my mum that I got to really love, the years of caring, the "lost" time, the toll on my family and my own health, upsetting memories of the final illness and the death itself, etc etc etc. Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently, but if I'm honest what I really wanted was to short cut yet more pain of the grieving process because it was just too much to bear on top of everything else that happened. I've tried to start new things and am really struggling still. I've discovered there's no short cut for me. In my case grief means going through the hoops, but I think my brain has protected me by sort of shutting down and making me stop in between and do nothing that is too demanding. Now I am trying to go with that, and if that means vegging out/indulging in nostalgia on telly so be it. I need to cut myself some slack even if my family think I am nuts. From what other people have posted it seems it does get better, but I believe the glitter theory - my, how that stuff turns up at unexpected times and places!
     
  12. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    I hope things get easier soon. x
     
  13. minet48

    minet48 Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    45
    Thanks DesperateofDevon x
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,821
    Take care of you & be kind to yourself
    Xx
     
  15. minet48

    minet48 Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    45
    It's a funny thing but I'm not sure how to do that. Several people have given me that advice which I'm sure is wise. Slowly beginning to learn. Sounds pathetic to say that when I know there are carers out there really struggling with caring for their loved ones with dementia who desperately need a break. There have been times over the last 11 years when I've been desperate for a break myself. Now I don't know what to do and struggle to keep up with the basics. It will get better I know.
    Sorry, hope that doesn't sound like a moan xx
     
  16. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    766
    Female
    cornwall
    You haven’t had a break in 11 years??I can only manage 3 years with dad.
     
  17. minet48

    minet48 Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    45
    Well TNJJ, I did have breaks. I didn't look after Mum at home for the last 5 years. I wouldn't want to mislead you on that. She died in the nursing home. But although it was generally a good one, there were some ups and downs, a few big downs in fact, and I had to be on the case all the time because she wasn't able to speak for herself. Hard to explain, but I think I mean a sort of mental and emotional break from anticipating/ dealing with the next crisis while visiting my disappearing and sad Mum who just wanted to go home all the time although she couldn't even recognise it as such 5 years before that.
     
  18. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    766
    Female
    cornwall
    I can understand completely.I have been running 2 households for 3years and it is mentally draining..
     
  19. minet48

    minet48 Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    45
    Exactly - the constant planning and firefighting. I wish you strength TNJJ. The juggling is really hard work even if it becomes second nature. Keep thinking I need to get shopping for her and go to the home! There is comfort afterwards though in knowing that you did your best for your loved one.
     
  20. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    766
    Female
    cornwall
    There is
     

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