My mum says you wants to leave the care home and live at home - help

[bananaskin]

Just a bit of background. My old mum is 97 and over the past year she had been getting confused, mostly at night imaginging people in her house, ringing us at all times of the night and not coping too well. In August I found her on the floor of her house, called 999 and she was admitted to hospital with bruises and a fractured finger. She went under the care of the Care of the Elderly where a diagnosis of early stage dementia was made and we were told she would not be safe at home. My broth and I found a home where she is now living, has been there nearly five weeks. The Care assistants say she has settled and is happy but she gives my broth and myself hell! She is saying if she doesn't come home she will commit suicide and it will be all our fault.
The docs put a diagnosis of early onset dementia on the discharge summary and sometimes she seems completely with it and other times not at all.

Anybody else had to handle this and any tips gratefully received. I am trying to change myself from obedient daughter to mother of a child who needs looking after otherwise the guilt is overwhelming. Its so hard and I feel so guilty. I thought once she was safe I would get my life back but it just doesn't seem to be happening.

 

[Noorza]

It is the guilt monster, most of us have met him and had him or her on our shoulders for far too long.

Ask yourself.

Why is mum in a care home? Is it because you wanted the break and to hell with your mum or because your mum is not safe in her own home and you didn't want her to come to harm.

We all know the answer, you are still caring for her just in a different way now but you are still caring. Be kind to yourself, all any of us can do is our best.

 

[juniepoonie]

hi sorry to hear about your mum an I know you will get lots of support from this forum as I have. sometimes for info sometimes hust to be able to let off steam whatever you want to stay stays here! we have found with my bIL that we havnt been able to say this is your home now! when he 1st went in to the NH we said he was going in to try to sort out some of his problems. he is proberly at a worse stage than mum but he is only 65. it hasn't been to bad, one day this week he had to be sedated as he was kicking off but that is not very often. hope you get some help on here soon., but let me say welcome to this group. juniepoonie

 

[ellejay]

Hi there, I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, so I'll apologise in advance.

My mum moved to a CH in similar circumstances to yours....... falls, broken bones, hospital admissions. Not safe to live alone.

She has been in the CH for 2 yrs + & still gives me H*** whenever I visit. In fact, today she told me that if she doesn't move to where I am, she has got some special tablets that she will take & she will die (she hasn't, by the way )

I've got more used to it now, I'm assured (by the staff & by other visitors) that mum is quite settled when I'm not there & even joins in things from time to time.

It's early days for your mum & lots of people settle quickly. Unfortunately my mum has always been contrary so I do feel with her a lot of it is habit.

Be kind to yourself

Lin x

 

[zeeeb]

i'm not sure if you've made a typo or the doctors, but early onset dementia at 97 doesn't shound right.

If she is 97, with dementia, there really is very little hope of her ever returning home. That would just be unworkable.

how would she react if you tell her that the decision is out of your hands. She'd have to deal with the powers that be to get out (doctors, social workers, nursing home management etc).

 

[Noorza]

Zeeb I think it was a typo at 97 it would be early stages, easy typo to make especially when it is all new to you and learning the terms etc.

I know I was so used to the medical stuff, talking about the heart, the arteries, stents, all that was second nature, when dementia came into the picture it was a whole new dictionary needed for me.

 

[Witzend]

My mother often used to say she would kill herself if we didn't take her home. It is horrible to listen to, I know, but it is more than likely just words to make you feel awful. How often are you visiting? If your mother is reasonably settled when you are not there then it's probably best not to go too often, for all your sakes. When the visits were really difficult in the early stages I ended up going mostly just once a week - my stomach-knotting stress levels couldn't take any more.

As someone else has said, you could tell her that it wasn't your decision and it's completely out of your hands. I used to tell my mother that if we hadn't found this nice place for her then SS would have taken over and put her in any old horrible wee-smelling place that happened to have a room. Not that it stopped the threats and accusations, but it did reduce them for the moment. The trouble was, as so often, she could not accept that there was anything wrong with her.