My Mum is still angry at me in the CH

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Nov 28, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    My Mum was sectioned into hospital and went into a CH last December, after a long and difficult time with Alz. I still find it so hard to understand it all and am taking time processing all the bad years and why it all had to happen that way. Mum was verbally abusive to me for a long time and it was a very painful journey. That said, she is still angry at me regularly now, even though I was the only person in her life who cared, and I go and see her three times a week.

    Last week we encountered a downward turn when she was admitted to hospital, the CH thought she'd had a stroke but it turned out to be a UTI. She's been back at CH since but, as of yesterday, in a wheelchair. Up until now she's been mobile. Is this another progression of the disease does anyone know? Also she has been very angry with me again, more so than normal, so I just wonder if anyone has any understanding of why this may be. She looks like she hates me. I am always asking myself if she'd stayed in her own home she wouldn't have been 'institutionalised' and put on meds, with what feels like hardly any quality of life. The CH are great so it's not a criticism of their care regarding her quality of life, she is just depressed all the time and doesn't engage.
  2. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    I didn't want to read and run. I havnt been in your position so can't speak from any experience. I'm just guessing that she feels upset and is angry. Yes this is a thing that dementia presents as unfortunately. The UTI will have changed things and worsened her condition. As for her lack of mobility now, everyone is an individual and so she may get better and walk around again but I don't know so.
    Please try to keep the guilt monster at bay. He has no place here.
    Maybe she feels safe being angry with you. She doesn't have any realisation on how that makes you feel as she has no memory that she is constantly being like this. Sometimes, distraction works, sometimes simply not accepting bad behaviour works and sometimes you just have to let it go on.
    Big hugs xxxx
  3. Sterling

    Sterling Registered User

    Jun 20, 2013
    My mum is furious with me! She has finally changed hospitals to a nearer one and is blaming me for her captivity. She was awful last Sunday when I visited and I am dreading visiting tomorrow. It can't possibly be anything she has done or said .... So it must be me.
  4. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Thank you both, it helps to just have a listening ear. I know every person with alzheimer's is individual but just knowing other carers understand similar experiences makes me feel less alone. One day at a time...... it's just horrible seeing someone deteriorate. I think because Mum recognises me and knows who I am, it triggers emotions in her which she cannot make sense of herself, so the recognition manifests itself in an angry way. However I also believe she feels comforted by seeing my familiar face as she sometimes calls me her Mum and it seems to produce a mixture of love and resentment.
  5. Grable

    Grable Registered User

    May 19, 2015
    My mum's in the relatively early stages of dementia, but when she gets frustrated, it's me she turns on, not my brother who doesn't as much for her. I think she knows I won't abandon her, but is worried he might!
  6. TrixieB

    TrixieB Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    My mum was exactly the same - so angry all the time and absolutely detested me. I actually stopped visiting her for a few weeks as I couldn't cope with the verbal abuse she dealt out to me. She was also abusive to the staff and threw temper tantrums which would do credit to a 2 year old. Dad is in the same CH and she was always worse with him there to 'back her up'. We had to cut down her visits to him during the day and she only sees him at meal times and for a few hours in the evening now. I never visit when they are both together. The psychiatrist also prescribed a mild sedative to 'take the edge of her' and that worked wonders. She is pleasant when I visit now but still gives dad a hard time at every opportunity. She also sees my brother as her saviour (he's in prison for fraud, including stealing thousands of pounds from them)and thinks she will go and stay with him and his wife when he gets out. He can do no wrong!
    It's all very painful but use everyone you can to help you. And, easy to say, but don't take it personally!
    Best wishes
  7. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Hi, Sarah, it's nice to "see" you again. I wondered how you were getting on. I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties with your mother.

    I have read enough here and elsewhere to know that the UTIs can cause sudden, extreme changes in behaviour, so I imagine that is part of what is happening. Also, changing locations can trigger this as well, and of course nobody enjoys being in hospital, so I expect that is not helping. Every time my mother had a change of location she would go through that angry at me, this is all your fault routine, and I've heard similar stories from people in my support groups, so I expect the hospital admission is not helping with this.

    I'm sorry, I don't know what to advise about the wheelchair. It could be a lot of things (assuming there is no injury or other medical problem that's left her unable to walk), from feeling unsteady, to having used one in hospital and gotten used to it, to a bid for attention. Maybe others here will have suggestions? What does the care home staff say?
  8. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I don't know how long she was in hospital for but sometimes they keep patients in bed all the time in hospital and then it becomes difficult to re-mobilise and they lose confidence. You might like to nudge the CH into walking her a bit and if they resist then insist that she has some physio as there is no physical reason why mobility should have taken a downturn. Confidence in older people is quickly shattered and I have been amazed at how quickly and sometimes permanently this affects mobility if the right encouragement and reassurance and practice is not put in place again xxx
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    In addition to all the other causes mentioned above, loss of mobility is also a symptom of dementia. Dont just assume that its progression, but UTIs can definitely accelerate progression so if despite all your efforts she doesnt regain mobility, it could be just the dementia.
  10. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Hi Amy thanks so much foryour reply. It's nice to be in touch again and I hope you are ok too. I'm recovering now from the hospital stay episode and am monitoring mum - good days and bad days - some days in wheelchair and some not. It's all a big rollercoaster really but I am bracing myself for more of the same, I think I have had a shift in approach since the hospital stay. Mum's having med changes now so I'm hoping that'll lift her spirits. Take care. x
  11. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Thank you Fizzie, I'm hoping she'll walk again although her mood has been desperately low so meds are being changed now. I'm trying to be philosophical about it all as the roller coaster of the infection and her hospital stay nearly sent me over the edge and I've got to stay strong. I will see what the CH say and monitor her progress once the meds have taken effect. I appreciate your reply thanks again.
  12. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Thanks Canary, I'm trying to be philosophical now since the hospital stay and all the emotions that entailed - the dementia is really taking hold I think exacerbated by the UTI. Hope you are well.

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