My Mum is getting worse

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Maryanne, Feb 9, 2008.

  1. Maryanne

    Maryanne Registered User

    Jan 11, 2008
    8
    We had thought mum had plateaued out a bit and wasnt getting any worse, but that has begun to change. She went and got into bed on two sepaerate occassions with two other male patients - nothing sexually, just disoreintated, but my Dad is beside him self and slips deeper into depression.

    If mum, in her right mind, could see herself she would be humilated, I love her dearly and would miss here everyday but as she worsens I wish she would die! there I have said it and I know I would hate it to really happen (and I dont think i mean it) but the disintergration she is going thru at the moment is so sad and she would hate people thinking "poor Joan' which is what all her visitors think - some are finding it to uncomfortable to see her now, for themselves as well as her. My poor, lovely articulate, strong minded, intelligent, stuborn mother, the person who provided us all with the best home she could, is some sick parody of herself - its not right - its not fair.

    I miss her so much. I feel she has gone already in a way. i love you mum.XXXX
     
  2. Vanessa

    Vanessa Registered User

    Jul 18, 2007
    5
    Middlesex
    Hi Maryann.
    I can really empathise. My parents live on the other side of the world. I just spoke to my Dad this morning and feel shell-shocked after hearing what Mum has been up to this last week. They're no longer the Mums we knew. I know how you feel. And it's double-devastating seeing what it does to your Dad. There's nothing that can help Mum and now I worry for Dad's health. The terrible thing about this ghastly disease, is that we lose our loved-ones twice, once mentally, and then physically. How long can they really go on?
    Wishing you strength. Take care xo
     
  3. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    I totally understand how you feel.

    I lost my Mum just over 3 weeks ago (she didn't have Dementia), but my poor Dad does.

    He's been poorly this week with a chest infection, and I am pumping him full of fluids, hot drinks, antibiotics.... and I stand there at times and think, for what?? He is not lost and alone without my Mum (they had been together 56 years). He does live with us, but it's not the same is it, no matter how much you try to occupy their minds, you cannot fill the void left by their soulmate. On top of the loneliness, he has his Dementia to look forward to. Lucky him eh! Sad, lonely, confused and a future of incontinence.

    He is only in a moderate stage I would say at the moment, memory going, confusion a few delusions, and it's not his time to go yet, but further down the line, I know I will feel just the way you do.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Beverley x
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #4 Margarita, Feb 9, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2008

    Oh bless I wonder in her confused mind, she thought she was getting into bed with your father , must be hard for someone with dementia, that they no longer sleeping with they life long partner , to get use to sleeping on they own , I know how hard it was for my mother .


    It may of be of no confront for you , but I imagine in her mind in her reality she done nothing wrong. I hate it when people tell me they don't like coming around to see my mother , because the way she is she , won't remember them . they should put themselves in to my mother shoes . imagine what it would be like to be like that , no one visiting you . she still a human being, with feeling, so needs
    comforting

    Its always harder on the carer the love one .
     
  5. dream

    dream Registered User

    Feb 9, 2008
    19
    shropshire
    mum

    hi rose here my mum is 87 and her condition is getting worse dad is still alive but he is in bad health as well and is mums full time carer he will not have any one but only is four children to help, we all live locally so he is very lucky.It was my turn to day to sit with here for a few hours while dad had a break when i came in she said where is your daugter she thinks or daugter lives with use.She does not no that she has gran children or great gran children even though you talk about them. I feel to upset to talk to my husband as i will bust into tear with in the last two weeks she has deteriorate so badly she is not the mum she was,i think it is so cruel that it has rob every thing from her and i do wish that god would take her in her sleep with some dignity.:(
     
  6. toura

    toura Registered User

    Feb 5, 2008
    42
    hertfordshire
    hi mum is 76 she can be quit diffcute at times no she is not my mum now which is hard for me to say but i still look after her and love her very much she had six kids work hard at bringing us up and to see her go down like this is heart breaking she was the most loveing person now she angry with me cause i care for her and i know she dont like that i dont wish for mum to go maybe im selflesh and i dont want her to suffer to so when the times right for her to go i hope she knows i done all i could for her
     
  7. Maryanne

    Maryanne Registered User

    Jan 11, 2008
    8
    I find comfort in all your problems

    That sounds terrible I know - but knowing that I am not alone and other peole know exactly how I am feeling helps. Our dear sweet beautiful parents.

    Its hard to see any good coming from all their suffering - has it made me a more sympathetic person - perhaps! but some days I get so caught up in my own self pity I find I am almost guilty when it comes to enjoying things. I even find it hard to have photos of my mum around the house reminding me of healthy and strong she once was such a short period of time ago.

    And I wonder how much she is suffering becuse she knows that her mind is going and it torments her.

    Pardon my ignorance but I ddnt really understand there were diffeent forms of dementia - someone said their mother has vascular, what is that??????

    I love you mumXXX
     
  8. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hello Everyone

    What an emotional post so far, how much you all love your mums and dads, how much you are all trying to help, how sad you all are, how well you are all doing in caring for them.

    I am an only child, dad died 3 years ago, mum has no living family who are interested apart from her cousin's daughter, and a niece who lives in New Zealand. Obviously it all falls on me.

    I feel none of us should feel any guilt, nor be worried if we have self-pity (I have it every day), it just goes with the job of caring for someone who is ill, whether it is physical, cancer, dementia or whatever, we are probably all going through the same emotions.

    Toura says she doesn't want her mum to suffer, wishes she would go, and is that selfish? No Toura, it is not selfish. One thing is certain, we are all going to die, and the best, most bearable way is quickly. My dad died of stomach cancer, I imagined months of pain and suffering, but he didn't have it. I won't describe what happened, it was visually awful, but it didn't hurt him, and he died within a week of the symptoms really showing, and I don't believe he suffered any pain at all. He knew he was dying, so that was distressful, but for a short time, like a few hours. So none of us want our parents to suffer, so it is NOT selfish to wish a swift end, if the end is near.

    What really breaks my heart is those of you who have had really strong, lively, energetic mums and dads who are no longer so. I don't have that experience. My mum has always been a quite dull, uninteresting person, so AD hasn't made a great change. I'd have hated my dad to have had it. I feel sorry for you all, in coping with this dreadful illness, which it is.

    But we can't choose what happens to our parents, our partners, ourselves, or our children, we can only do our best for them. And absolutely everyone on this site is doing their best.

    I feel honoured to be amongst such wonderful caring people.

    I've probably not been any use to you at all in this message.

    Love to you all

    Margaret
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    Dear Maryanne.

    I think we all find comfort in the problems of others who live with dementia, not because we wish them any harm, but because it helps us to feel less alone.

    It is very hard to see good come from suffering, but I have seen goodness on this Forum that I never would have known existed.

    So please don`t feel any guilt if you enjoy some pleasure occasionally or cry with self pity. You are entitled to both.

    This Factsheet might help you understand the different forms of Dementia.

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?categoryID=200131&documentID=106

    Love xx
     
  10. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    toura

    sorry maryanne to side track
    but totally agree with you, its not right its not fair
    this disease is a nightmare.


    because of her dementia, she might not know, but YOU know you are doing everything you can for her, bless you for that

    early on in mums journey, she said to me (unknowing of her diagnosis or her prognosis) "you`ll always tell me what to do, won`t you?"
    yes mum, I replied, of course I will
    she was obviously at that point aware,confused and scared.
    my point i guess, is that your mum has you to look after her every need,even if the disease is taking over, and makes her behave irrationally, you are the one caring 24/7, and you will always know that you did everything you could
    no mum could want or need a better daughter.
     
  11. Maryanne

    Maryanne Registered User

    Jan 11, 2008
    8
    thank you all

    Your right Granny G this site has helped it has made me feel less alone in this. Other peoples lives go on and I dont want to burden them all the time with my problems so when they ask "how is your Mum" I usually say Ok. no worries, and thats a lie. But here in this forum I can tell the truth, and when things are really bad i sit in front of the screen type and cry but I can then continue on my day and put on my 'happy' face for the world but not feel quiet so much heartache becuase I have been able to pour out all my feelings - well almost all of them! THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR LISTENING.

    Love you Mum.XXXX:)
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    Keep pouring out your feelings on TP Maryanne, that`s what it`s here for. There will always be someone who is here for you.
    Love xx
     

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