My mum is attacking my dad

[Pete36]

I spoke to the Admiral nurse tonight.
She has helped make it clear.
GP will not refer
So we either have to get mum to the hospital some how so they can assess her.
Or dad speaks to the police.
Those are the options now.
I have called and spoke to everyone, there isn't anymore I can to to get someone to come round and assess her.

Getting mum to go anywhere would involve lying to get her there if she would go at all. Then hoping she doesn't go off when/if she realises what is happening.

Getting dad to call the police will be difficult because he doesn't want to do it. Keeps thinking he can take it.
But I'm trying to get through to him that he is doing it for mum and not for him.

I'm hopefully seeing him tomorrow so we can talk.
Let's see what happens.

Thanks for your comments btw. Has really helped me with trying different things.
It's just come to a head now

 

[thistlejak]

Re your Dad not wanting to call the Police. We were reluctant to call them for MIL aggression towards us, however the Paramedics called them when she pulled a knife on them. We had exhausted all avenues to get MIL the help she needed, even her Social Worker was hampered by the law, and we only called an ambulance as she was physically unwell. The paramedics were horrified to learn that she had been like that for months with us. The police were amazing and we got her the help she needed and she is now settled in an EMI home.
The police were equally helpful when FIL kept going missing and their referral got him into the safety of a care home.

 

[Old Flopsy]

@Pete36 You say 'But I am trying to get through to him that he is doing it for mum and not for him' - that is SO true, but in the long run it will benefit both of them and make life more tolerable for dad.

I am so glad you got clarification from the Admiral nurse. Jumping through hoops is so tough.

 

[Kaylong]

@Pete36 - oh my goodness, I can’t believe that you’ve had to deal with this so long without help! My situation is slightly different as my mum has a diagnosis (that she doesn’t recognise as there is nothing wrong with her). We do have to lie to get her places though, and she is in hospital now as she has refused to take her medicine and become agressive. It is sad to have to lie, but you are doing it for a very good reason. She needed to go to hospital anyway as her GP requested a blood test, then she was taken to the ward and left (which was incredibly hard for my step-dad despite her violent behviour), but he agrees that it is for the best. And I think your dad will also come to that conclusion. Another lie planned was that she would be taken to a holiday place to ‘rest up and re-charge her batteries’. Perhaps that could work on your mum.

My mum’s hospital stay was planned with her GP before hand, but we would otherwise have lied and just taken her to hospital anyway where she would have to be seen. The thought is heart breaking, but it’s necessary that she gets seen.

I really hope you and your dad get some help soon.

 

[Bunpoots]

@Pete36 I understand your dad thinks he should be able to cope with your mum but would he if she came at him with a knife. One of my friends parents was attacked with a frying pan and killed (dementia related) so I know how serious this sort of aggression can be. Your dad really needs to take action now to keep himself and your mum safe.

I’m disgusted that, given the circumstances, no-one who should be offering help is willing to do so. It seems, as Dickens said, the law really is an ass!

 

[lollyc]

Why is it always so hard to get any help? I'm fed up of constantly being passed around and achieving nothing. Sometimes you don't even know where to start. I don't know about your dad @Pete36 , but mine would've simply given up if he'd been given the runaround like I am, even if he was willing to try. Actually , he'd probably have got really annoyed and told them all how useless they are! How many people are floundering around out there because dealing with the system (is there a system?) is simply too much effort?

 

[Weasell]

Hi @Pete36 !
sorry to hear you sad story.

The best thing that could happen here is that your mum is sectioned.
That means taken to a modern well staffed unit, with staff qualified to sort out a medication regime to suit her.
When they have achieved this she returns home.

Sectioning is very, very expensive for society.
The best way to achieve this is evidence.
Keep a diary.
Take photos of any evidence.
Call the police if their is a violent incident.

I would really be doing the ‘help me, help you ‘ chat with your dad. Try and dig down as to why he isn’t working with you ? pride, fear, thinking being an ostrich will work? You really, really need to find out what he is thinking!

 

[canary]

I agree with @Weasell , you need to find out why your dad isnt working with you.
All the while he is accepting his situation and not agreeing to help, no-one will impose it on him. The GP and SS may think that this is an "unwise choice" of his, but that he is free to make it. Even if he is injured by your mum so that he ends up in hospital, if he insists on going home back to the same situation, he cannot be stopped.

Im afraid that you will get no=where by yourself @Pete36 , you have to persuade your dad to agree to help and accept what this will mean for your mum.
Im sorry
xx

 

[Pete36]

Just got off the phone with my dad.
Long chat.
Laid it out that I have called everyone and we only have a couple of options now.
He understands, he says he has tried to make things easy for her, not to upset her and tried to protect her.
What I didn't know is that when the GP called 2 days ago, dad got to speak to him.
GP says he is willing to assess if we can get her to the medical center.
So we are booking an appointment for Wednesday next week under the guise of a blood pressure appointment.
Mum knows she has blood pressure issues.
Wednesday is to give dad time to mention it to her everyday so it gets in her head.
But we have said if that appointment doesn't happen because mum refuses.
Then we are going to get together and call the police.
He has agreed to that now.
So let's see.
Again thank you for your posts about your experiences, it's crazy that others are going through this. It's a real dropped process that needs looking into.

 

[thistlejak]

I would advise that your Dad does not mention the appointment until just before you set off to the Doctors. Your Mum will not get it into her head and might kick off each time he mentions it.
This is advice that has been given many times before by many people .

 

[Bunpoots]

I agree with @thistlejak . I never told my dad he had an appointment until we had to get ready for it then I’d apologise for forgetting to remind him/ tell him about it. I’d usually say “You just need to...(whatever needed to happen) and then we can go for fish and chips (or whatever treat I had in mind)”

I tried to get dad’s appointments just before lunchtime as he always enjoyed going out for lunch of having fish and chips.

Focus on the positive..

 

[Pete36]

This evening getting dinner ready for the kids. Get a text from dad asking to come round for a coffee.
Knew that meant something happened.
Today they were going round their friends for lunch. Hoped it would be good for mum.
Dad turns up with a scratch on his cheek and in his ears.
Other than getting angry with her friend at one point (it passed) and suddenly demanding to go home it was fine.
Then on the way home, mum starts pulling on dad's jacket, scratching at him and trying to push him in the road.
She has never done anything like this out in front of people before.
Dad makes sure she gets home but then gets out of there.
We talk, dad confirms it's verbal abuse everyday with scratching, slapping and pushing every other day.
He has had conversations with mum saying that he can't deal with it anymore. Mum has no idea what he is talking about and then starts saying he has got an issue, needs to see a doctor because he is making up things.
Dad said she has started saying that she can't go and do things because she has work.
She hasn't worked in 8 years +
She has been telling him to go home to his mum.
His mum died a few years ago.
I tried to convince dad to call the doctors now but he has now said if she doesn't see the GP on Friday then dad and I are speaking to the police.
Dad can't take it anymore.

 

[Old Flopsy]

Yes Dad can't take it any more. It's not your Mum- it's the dementia.

I was told to go home- though I've lived here 54 years.

It's good that he has agreed to phone the police next time.

Your Mum needs help and your Dad needs to be released from this awful situation.

I do hope that you make progress soon or Dad's health will deteriorate fast.

 

[canary]

Your dad is trying to "fix" the situation, but dementia cant be fixed.
He is trying to protect her and appease her, but it wont work.
I also think that his health is at risk.
I do hope that he will take that step of asking for help.

 

[Sarasa]

Has your dad sent the GP a bullet point list of what has been happening ahead of the appointment? That will make it easier for the GP to address the problem trying to explain things in front of your mother could be tricky and if the GP knows why you are worried he/she can raise the topic. My mum could easily pass the sort mini-memory tests GPs use as at the time her short-term memory was pretty good. It when the GP said 'And what about the problems you are having with the neighbours?' he saw while we were worried, and things started moving.