My mum is attacking my dad

[Pete36]

We have believed my mum 60 has had dementia for nearly a year.
She won't talk about it or see anyone.
My dad 61 has done all meals and everything for her for many months now.
Her personality is gone and there is no real conversation there anymore other than. How are you.
Just before Christmas my dad told me he was finding it hard and we should speak, then lock down.
Finally I got a call from my dad last night.
He was outside my house with scratches on his face bleeding.
We walked and he told me everything.
The slapping and scratching has been happening since November.
He showed me pictures he had. There was a lot.
He said for the last year or so he has done everything in the house, cooked cleaned etc.
He says there is good and bad sides.
And when she is good it's fine but when she turns he gets pelted with abuse calling him lazy and that he does nothing.
The the hitting starts.
He took it for a while but he has had to start running out of the house and spent hours walking the streets or getting the trains and buses to the end of the line and back.
He also has a sleeping bag that he has put himself in, in the car.
I was horrified, we knew that there so something wrong, but she has never shown any violence to us.
From our side, we saw a decline in her memory and her want to do things without my dad there.
We brought up seeing a doctor before but she just gets defencive, crys and says no.
Dad has said that she has cared for him for 35 years, now it was time to care for her.
But he has now come to his limit.
My dad was a Royal Marine, he was a policeman. He is a proud man but he cried when he spoke to me last night.
He doesn't know what to do, I have said we have to get help for mum and that I will get on it.
Sorry if I repeated myself here I have done it in 2 sittings.

My point.
Please help me know what I can do for mum and dad.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Pete36.

I’m so sorry to read about your dad’s situation. It must be incredibly difficult for him - and for you.

I’m not sure if you have Social Services involved with your mum but either way it would be a good idea to contact their duty team and explain what is happening. Your dad is in a vulnerable situation, as is your mum. Emphasise that they are both at risk here.

It will be hard for him but in situations like the ones you describe your dad should contact the police. I know from what others have written on the forum that the police can be very helpful and supportive. They will also record the reports and share with the Social Services Department.

You might also want to talk this over with someone at the Dementia Connect Support Line -

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Please keep posting here as you will find lots of help and support.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Pete36 I`m glad you`ve found Dementia Talking Point. You will get good advice and support here from people who understand.

Yes it might be your dad`s turn to look after your mum now she is ill but this doesn`t mean he must accept physical and emotional abuse from her.

Please ask him to see their GP. Go with him if you can.

I`m sure your mum would be horrified if she knew how dementia had affected her behaviour. A diagnosis would get her some help and also your dad would not have to feel the burden of managing alone.

Thank goodness he was able to off load to you.

 

[canary]

In addition to things advised above I would contact his GP (maybe by letter or email) and explain the situation when you found your dad outside and what he has told you. That way it will go into your dads file even if he does not contact his GP himself.

 

[Pete36]

Thank you both of you.
I have a call booked with our GP who has looked after me for years and my mum used to see daily when she was a home carer so I'm hoping we can get on the right path.
Dad is on board and will try and get out the house to make it on calls and do what is needed.
I didn't mention above that he has tried to get her to see a doctor but she says there is nothing wrong and he is making it up.
He has also shown her the bruises, scars and cuts but she says she didn't do it.

 

[Pete36]

In addition to things advised above I would contact his GP (maybe by letter or email) and explain the situation when you found your dad outside and what he has told you. That way it will go into your dads file even if he does not contact his GP himself.

Sorry you replied while I was typing.
Thank you.

 

[canary]

I didn't mention above that he has tried to get her to see a doctor but she says there is nothing wrong and he is making it up.
He has also shown her the bruises, scars and cuts but she says she didn't do it.

Im afraid that this is normal for dementia. Usually, people with dementia forget what has happened and are unaware of any changes in themselves. In their own mind they are just the same as they always were, so they would never do these things and arguing with them, or trying to reason with them will get you nowhere.

Quite often you have to use stealth to get them to the GP - calling the appointment a "well woman clinic" appointment, or one for a meds review can work

 

[lemonbalm]

I'm sorry to read your story @Pete36 . Thank goodness your father was able to speak to you. All this must have been a dreadful shock but hopefully this is the beginning of making things better all round. You're off to a good start. Keep posting for advice and support, as there are many people out here who understand and will help you along.

 

[KirkdaleDave]

Hi Just joined DTP as I was looking for some help. My wife was diagnosed last year and I have been caring for her. We are both in our late 70's and although we can get along well most of the time there are days when my wife gets angry and abusive. This is difficult to cope with there is no warning signs of mood change and the day after she is back as before. I have read some of the posts on DTP and Found out I am not alone which is a great help. will keep reading and post when I can

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @KirkdaleDave.

I’m sorry to read about the situation with your wife. It must be very difficult for you.

I’m glad you’ve found the forum and I know you will find lots of help and support here. I’m sure much of the advice you find on this thread will be helpful - in relation to how people deal with aggression.

When you’re ready you might want to think about starting a thread of your own in the I Have A Partner With Dementia area of the forum. Many people find this a good way of keeping a kind of diary of how things are going, a place to ask questions and even just to let off steam if you need to.

I Have A Partner With Dementia

Whatever you decide - keep posting.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Pete36
a warm welcome to DTP

such a challenging situation for you all, thank goodness your dad came to you

hopefully the GP will look into the medical issues raised ... and aslo make a referral to the Local Authority Adult Services ... you can do this yourselves ... the emergency contact number will be on the LAs website

make it clear that your parents are 'vulnerable adults', that your dad is 'at risk of harm due to his wife's aggression and violence' (not a reflection on him at all, simply a statement of the situation) and that your mum is 'at risk of harm due to self neglect' (she certainly would be were your dad harmed and hospitalised as she cannot look after herself) ... given the fact that your dad has been driven out of his home and sleeping in the car, tell them that you believe this is a 'safeguarding issue', as this leaves your mum alone and your dad sleeping out in winter weather ... let them know that you understand that the LA have the 'duty of care' to ensure the needs of these 2 vulnerable adults are provided for ... the phrases in '..' ought to get their attention

I hope you get the support you all need ... keep posting here too

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

How awful for your poor father. And I bet it took a lot of guts for him to come to you and tell you what's been happening - he really is approaching 'carer breakdown'.

When people are new to the world of dementia and hear others have moved their loved one to a care home, there is often the comment, 'I could never do that to my mum...' But that is completely misunderstanding dementia. Your story illustrates very clearly why some people need to be in care and not at home. Caring doesn't necessarily mean doing all the 'hands-on' stuff yourself, as your dad seems to think he must. Caring means getting the help that the person needs and it very much sounds like your mum now needs a team of people who can look after her 24/7. The current situation cannot continue.

 

[Pete36]

Thank you everyone again for your posts.
Amazingly helpful and caring.
Bit of an update
I laid everything out to our GP
He called and spoke to her saying it was for a over 60s check up.
She loves him and agreed to blood tests but not a memory test.
Dad is taking her tomorrow morning.
I really hope she doesn't get scared and say no at the last minute.
This could be the first big step.
Dad sees it that way too.
I have spoken to the Admiral nurse on the phone too, and they have been helpful to talk too.
Basically follow the process.
If she doesn't go for the blood tests then we would need to go to social services and speak about what could be next steps.
I don't want my mum to go through anything upsetting but I also can't leave my dad like he is.
I got the blood test form from the doctors and I wanted to give it to my dad.
I called his phone but mum picked up.
I asked to speak to dad and she said sure I'll get him.
A few seconds later she said in a serious voice of someone dealing with a salesperson on the phone.
No, no I don't think we will do that then.
I reminded her it was me, her voice changed
Hi, darling.
I asked for dad again, then she said, yep I'll get him.
Time passed, she mentioned it was cold I think she went into the garden.
Then change of voice again.
No, we won't be doing that then.
I said it was me, then asked her if dad was there.
She said no and I asked her to let him know I called.
This was the morning after dad gave me the news.
I guessed he went out without his phone as he is a nightmare for that.
But now I'm thinking the worst.
I had to go round there.
Just before I went in the Admiral nurse called me.
She said for me to go in but keep the phone on with her.
So I did, mum opens the door and invites me in straight away, she has never really understood covid rules at all.
I ask if dad is there, she says yes I'll get him.
Goes upstairs, comes back down again and asks how I am.
I see dad isn't downstairs
So I go upstairs.
It was at this point I realise I'm looking on the floor in my parents bedroom incase something bad has happened to my dad.
Horrible.
Anyway, he isn't there.
I ask mum if she knows where dad is.
She says he is at home.
I say we are home and he isn't.
She tells me to ask Pete, Pete will know where he is.
I reminded her, I'm Pete.
BTW she has never done that to my face before.
I get into my car.
Feel dreadful and go home.
Call an hour later and dad answers.
He went to the shops and forgot to take his phone.
I have told him to keep it on him at all times now.
I told him about the doctor call and me coming round. Mum didnt tell dad any of it.
I realise I have wrote an essay, apologies I think it maybe keep my my head straight writing it down.

Thank you all again for the advice

 

[Grannie G]

A big worry for you. I hope the GP manages to get some answers for you.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Pete36 , hope the GPs visit goes as well as it can. What I did when I was concerned about my mother and pretty sure she had dementia was write a bullet list of my concerns that I handed discretely to the GP when I took her for an appointment.
Mum was in total denial that there were any problems so I had piggy-backed an appointment for something else. It took several visits for the GP to take my concerns seriously as at the time my mother's memory for concrete things such as dates was pretty good, it was, as my husband said, as though her logic boxes had fried. Mum thought it was more likely that her neighbours were coming in and moving things around rather than she was doing it and forgetting that's what she'd done. When the GP did start asking questions about things such as what the neighbours were supposed to have done he saw the depth of my mum's confusion for himself, and things slowly started to happen.
You are doing a great job at supporting your father,

 

[lemonbalm]

Good luck today @Pete36

Well done for getting things going. This is very difficult stuff to deal with.

Your parents are indeed fortunate to have a son like you. Let us know how things go.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Dear @Pete36 , This is such a terrible time for you and your dad. It seems your mum is in a period of sharp decline, as often happens with dementia. The event you describe - going round in a panic because you couldn't contact your dad - much have been incredibly distressing for you. I bet you wake up every morning wondering what awful new thing will happen that day

I hope the visit to the GP will be a positive one, though be prepared for it not to be. If your mum refuses the tests, there's not much they can do. Yes, you can get social services involved and ask for them to do an assessment, but again, your mum can refuse or tell them everything is fine (this is very common!) in which case they'll go away....

I think you really need to get your dad on board. Tell him the current situation cannot continue. (Use your best serious grown-up voice and TELL him, don't ask him.) It won't be easy as he's going to say he doesn't want help - he thinks he must do it all. But somehow you have to get across that he NEEDS help now. Perhaps if you tell him that he either allows you to arrange carers at home or your mum will have to go into a care home straight away. Maybe he'd accept the idea of someone coming to sit with your mum at times so that he could get out by himself and have a break, knowing she was safe.

Meanwhile, I suggest you research care homes and maybe put your mum's name down. This is only going one way...

Hope you will keep posting and let us know how things go.

 

[grannydilly]

Dear @Pete36 , This is such a terrible time for you and your dad. It seems your mum is in a period of sharp decline, as often happens with dementia. The event you describe - going round in a panic because you couldn't contact your dad - much have been incredibly distressing for you. I bet you wake up every morning wondering what awful new thing will happen that day

I hope the visit to the GP will be a positive one, though be prepared for it not to be. If your mum refuses the tests, there's not much they can do. Yes, you can get social services involved and ask for them to do an assessment, but again, your mum can refuse or tell them everything is fine (this is very common!) in which case they'll go away....

I think you really need to get your dad on board. Tell him the current situation cannot continue. (Use your best serious grown-up voice and TELL him, don't ask him.) It won't be easy as he's going to say he doesn't want help - he thinks he must do it all. But somehow you have to get across that he NEEDS help now. Perhaps if you tell him that he either allows you to arrange carers at home or your mum will have to go into a care home straight away. Maybe he'd accept the idea of someone coming to sit with your mum at times so that he could get out by himself and have a break, knowing she was safe.

Meanwhile, I suggest you research care homes and maybe put your mum's name down. This is only going one way...

Hope you will keep posting and let us know how things go.

Thank you everyone again for your posts.
Amazingly helpful and caring.
Bit of an update
I laid everything out to our GP
He called and spoke to her saying it was for a over 60s check up.
She loves him and agreed to blood tests but not a memory test.
Dad is taking her tomorrow morning.
I really hope she doesn't get scared and say no at the last minute.
This could be the first big step.
Dad sees it that way too.
I have spoken to the Admiral nurse on the phone too, and they have been helpful to talk too.
Basically follow the process.
If she doesn't go for the blood tests then we would need to go to social services and speak about what could be next steps.
I don't want my mum to go through anything upsetting but I also can't leave my dad like he is.
I got the blood test form from the doctors and I wanted to give it to my dad.
I called his phone but mum picked up.
I asked to speak to dad and she said sure I'll get him.
A few seconds later she said in a serious voice of someone dealing with a salesperson on the phone.
No, no I don't think we will do that then.
I reminded her it was me, her voice changed
Hi, darling.
I asked for dad again, then she said, yep I'll get him.
Time passed, she mentioned it was cold I think she went into the garden.
Then change of voice again.
No, we won't be doing that then.
I said it was me, then asked her if dad was there.
She said no and I asked her to let him know I called.
This was the morning after dad gave me the news.
I guessed he went out without his phone as he is a nightmare for that.
But now I'm thinking the worst.
I had to go round there.
Just before I went in the Admiral nurse called me.
She said for me to go in but keep the phone on with her.
So I did, mum opens the door and invites me in straight away, she has never really understood covid rules at all.
I ask if dad is there, she says yes I'll get him.
Goes upstairs, comes back down again and asks how I am.
I see dad isn't downstairs
So I go upstairs.
It was at this point I realise I'm looking on the floor in my parents bedroom incase something bad has happened to my dad.
Horrible.
Anyway, he isn't there.
I ask mum if she knows where dad is.
She says he is at home.
I say we are home and he isn't.
She tells me to ask Pete, Pete will know where he is.
I reminded her, I'm Pete.
BTW she has never done that to my face before.
I get into my car.
Feel dreadful and go home.
Call an hour later and dad answers.
He went to the shops and forgot to take his phone.
I have told him to keep it on him at all times now.
I told him about the doctor call and me coming round. Mum didnt tell dad any of it.
I realise I have wrote an essay, apologies I think it maybe keep my my head straight writing it down.

Thank you all again for the advice

 

[grannydilly]

I have just read all that your dad has been through and how very difficult it must be for you, my husband has some form of dementia not officially diagnosed, he can seem absolutely fine i.e. when the podiatrist calls, but our son lives with us, and is his official carer, though I do all the personal things, he is incontinent. he can be very demanding and critical but has never hit me, We have power of attorney sorted, and should things get much worse our son and daughter will agree to him going into care, I cannot leave him alone, and go out because he cannot manage with toilet and uses a zimmer, is in danger of falling. He is also always calling out for me if I am in another room, sewing, or even taking a shower, I cannot imagine how awful it is for you and your father, I have not had any luck with getting an official diagnosis, he has several medications to help with anxiety and doc says over the phone, "it sounds like dementia." Your poor dad must be under such stress, I do hope he gets some help with the diagnosis.

 

[Pete36]

Long time since last update.
Because we were waiting for blood test results.
They have come back and mum has a b12 issue.
Appointment with a doctor booked for next week.
From what I have been reading, this causes a lack of oxygen to the brain which may have been causing nearly everything.
Fingers crossed for the appointment.