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My mum is attacking my dad

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
Not a good update.

The GP called my mum and all she said after the call was that all is fine.
Well we knew that wasnt the case so I called and spoke to the Doctor who said the b12 wasnt that bad and would not be what was causing her issues.
He suggested going to a memory clinic but she declined on the call so he can do nothing else.
Without her consent he can not go any further.
So now i'm back to the beginning again.
Going to speak to Hillingdon admiral nurses
And see if they can give me a new route to go down.
I cant just leave this while my dad is being hurt.
Its so upsetting, we really thought we had an answer with the b12 result.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,383
0
Oh @Pete36 I'm sorry to hear that update. I was so hoping that the B12 deficiency may be the cause of your mum's behaviour. I hope the admiral nurses are helpful. Did the doctor have anything to suggest to help with the aggression? Anti-depressants or similar?
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
Oh @Pete36 I'm sorry to hear that update. I was so hoping that the B12 deficiency may be the cause of your mum's behaviour. I hope the admiral nurses are helpful. Did the doctor have anything to suggest to help with the aggression? Anti-depressants or similar?

No he was quite clear that without my mum's say so he can not do anything.
So she doesnt know she is doing this to my dad so she wont say she needs anything.
I hope we find out what to do next
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,797
0
I'm so sorry @Pete36 , I thought you might have found the cause with the vitamin B12 deficiency. You might find it useful to phone the Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 or email dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk to talk through what you can do next.
My mother refused to engage with the memory clinic, as far as she was concerned she was fine, and any problems were of my making. However I didn't live with mum so I could walk away when things were difficult. In the end my mother had a meltdown in the doctor's surgery as she thought they had deliberately muddled up her meds. I don't think until they say the extent of her rages that the doctor's there really understood why we were so concerned about her. The upshot of that was that they arranged for a psychiatrist to visit her at home unannounced. He diagnosed 'probably vascular dementia'.
Do make sure your dad is safe and has a phone to hand. If your mother gets violent again he should phone 999. It sounds extreme, but that maybe the way she gets the help she need.
 

Crazycatlady01

Registered User
Aug 22, 2020
10
0
Hi @Pete36 i’ve been following your story. It must be very upsetting and it sounds very similar to my parents situation. I used to ring up and speak to mum on the phone and her tell me that Dad was out so I would ring his mobile and he would be in the house! Anyway I just wanted to reassure you that even though you feel it is a step back you must keep going and help your dad to get your mum help. I know it is painful. But I just wanted to let you know that my dad arranged for the memory clinic nurse to come out to the house I wondered whether that was a possibility?
My my mum sounds very similar to yours - defiant that there is nothing wrong but has very quick changes in personality. It is all a very hard situation I sympathise with you . Hope things move along for you x
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
Thank you @Crazycatlady01 and @Sarasa
Just spoke to Dementia Connect who where very nice.
They spoke to the safeguarding team and said that I need to speak to my council's social services and see what they can do.
So that will be the morning.
Feeling heart broken now I'm worried I wont speak to my mum like we used to again.
With the B12 I had some hope that maybe I will see the strong, opinionated, chatty woman my mum was again.
But it isnt looking like it now.
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
Have spoken to the safe guarding team. Who were also very kind.
Is of the same opinion as me that if we can diagnose my mum then we can help my dad better by giving her the care she needs.
She mentioned that she needs the memory test too and that the GP can refer without consent if certain circumstances and what is happening to my dad would make that ok to refer.
So she has contacted my GP who unfortunately wasn't there today and will get him to do the referral.
One of the reasons the GP gave for not doing a referral is that it takes months.
And the social worker said she will speak to that team also and get it moved up.
This way we can get people to come to the house and do the test.
So overall this is good news.
I understand this is going to lead to a a standoff when they do come to do the test but that is really the only way.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,797
0
That sounds positive @Pete36. I hope you get an assessment very soon. When the psychiatrist visited mum she was there on her own, but after he'd spoken to her he phoned my brother up and put his phone on speaker to let him know his findings. My brother could hear my mum in the background disagreeing with everything he said.
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
So my dad just turned up with mum with cuts on his top lip and in his ear.
He said they were going to Wicks it buy a new light fitting.
Looks like mum broke it, mum said she found it on the floor and it was dangerous so they are getting a new one.
Feel **** its still happening.
I tell dad again if this happens he comes to me straight away he doesnt have to deal with it, he agrees.
But doesnt want to come in.
Told him i'm on this and will get someone to see mum and that I was chasing.
Was planning on chasing Monday as I hadnt heard anything from the above.
But instead I got straight on the phone.
Turns out the woman who i was speaking to is no longer looking at mums case, the GP has said no to refering and it has just been left.
Spoke to a new social worker who has advised me to call either the hospital or single point access
Couldnt get through to hospital so on hold now to SPAR.
Fingers crossed I can get something done
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
83
0
@Pete36 if your Dad comes to you because he's escaping harm, he's allowed to come in and if necessary, he can stay overnight.
He must have oodles of patience to deal with this abuse but it needs to be stopped and that may mean him contacting the police for help.
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
Spoke to SPAR who cut me off twice but then said without a GP refer they can do nothing for me
Spoke to the hospital and they said to call the police
Just spoke to the police and they said the GP and Social Service should be moving this along
Only way they will help is if he calls them each time he is hurt and they will refer to social services
Called social services again and they have assigned a social worker to call me Monday
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,797
0
Hi @Pete36 that is such a horrible situation. I guess nothing much will be done unless your dad actually gets on the phone to the police next time your mum attacks him. I hope you manage to get hold of someone and get some help sorted for them both.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,383
0
How incredibly frustrating @Pete36 . I'm sorry it's proving so difficult to make progress. It must be such a worry for you. I hope that the social worker is useful on Monday and that the rest of the weekend is trouble free.
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
The main wall I'm dealing with its our GP not referring.
Everyone else I speak to seems to think he should.
Including the police.
But he is very clear that without mums consent there will be no refers.
Has anyone else hit this.
Is there anything I can say to him to move this on?
Should I go to another doctor or the practice manager?
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
0
Definitely try the practice manager, it can do no harm. And make a formal request for a second medical opinion.
 

Pete36

Registered User
Feb 18, 2021
16
0
Spoke to the Practice manager
She is speaking with the GP to see if there is anything else that can be done.
I was advised to speak to PALs as they may have some idea.
Spoke to my local PALs, who told me to speak to NW+Central London PALs, who told me to speak to NHS England
Who said, we can not advise anything but speak to your GP.

I really hope the Practice Manager comes back with something good tomorrow.

Not sure what i'm feeling more
Sad, disheartened, angry.

Feb 19th I started this journey and it's April tomorrow and no one has been able to assess my mum.
And dad has been living with this in the meantime.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,331
0
Nottinghamshire
I hope the practice manager is helpful @Pete36 .

I really think your dad should consider calling the police every time he is attacked. I’m sure he doesn’t want to but sometimes it is the only way to get things moved forward. If they have an incident log it will help your case with SS who can intervene without a diagnosis if people are at risk like your parents. They like to see evidence though.

Fingers crossed for good news tomorrow.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,797
0
So sorry you're going round the houses with this one @Pete36, and I hope the practice manager manages to break the log jam. As @Bunpoots says I think things probably won't shift without your dad calling the the police next time it happens. I know he doesn't want to do this, but the police were brilliant with my mum when she kept on phoning them up claiming the neighbours were abusing her (they weren't).