My mum: how to move on from conversations that upset her

Sxhsarah

New member
Aug 19, 2022
2
0
Hello everyone
Im new to this forum, and am helping my dad look after my mum who has mid onset altzheimers which has recently seemed to have progressed a level.
My mums memory is now presenting her with things that happened a long time ago as things just happened. Tonight I FaceTimed my parents and mum was in tears as she said she has just been told that her mother has died. My grandmother died 30 years ago and it’s heartbreaking to see mum this upset believing that it’s just happened, and blaming my dad for ’not telling her’.
it clearly doesn’t work to try to rationalise this to her, telling her the facts that nan died years ago. It’s meaningless and just confuses her more. We are learning as a family to ‘go with’ her trips down memory Lane, to work with her confusion rather than try to trigger a more recent memory as that isnt working when she has periods of an hour or two when she is very confused and upset. These ‘episodes’ are very new to us, in the last week.
does anyone have any advice about how you can move the conversation on, helping to reduce the tears and comfort? I simply don’t know myself and would like to help my mum and also give my dad advice on what he can do. Or is it a case of letting these kinds of periods run their natural course? She has been on Mematine but I will also talk to the doctor as it might be time to review that.
thanks in advance for anything you can suggest to help us learn to help mum .
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
0
Newcastle
Hi @Sxhsarah and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a friendly and supportive community of people who have been through all the challenges that dementia throws our way.

I am sorry to hear about your situation which seems to be fairly common. You have already thought of things that might help. Distraction and telling 'love lies' are common ways to avoid going through a repetitive series of questions that lead to upset (as though it were the first time).

There is a thread on Compassionate Communication that may give you some ideas. It is difficult to live up to but can be helpful.

 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
338
0
The
Hello everyone
Im new to this forum, and am helping my dad look after my mum who has mid onset altzheimers which has recently seemed to have progressed a level.
My mums memory is now presenting her with things that happened a long time ago as things just happened. Tonight I FaceTimed my parents and mum was in tears as she said she has just been told that her mother has died. My grandmother died 30 years ago and it’s heartbreaking to see mum this upset believing that it’s just happened, and blaming my dad for ’not telling her’.
it clearly doesn’t work to try to rationalise this to her, telling her the facts that nan died years ago. It’s meaningless and just confuses her more. We are learning as a family to ‘go with’ her trips down memory Lane, to work with her confusion rather than try to trigger a more recent memory as that isnt working when she has periods of an hour or two when she is very confused and upset. These ‘episodes’ are very new to us, in the last week.
does anyone have any advice about how you can move the conversation on, helping to reduce the tears and comfort? I simply don’t know myself and would like to help my mum and also give my dad advice on what he can do. Or is it a case of letting these kinds of periods run their natural course? She has been on Mematine but I will also talk to the doctor as it might be time to review that.
thanks in advance for anything you can suggest to help us learn to help mum .
best answer to this is what every or almost every carer of a PWD must do at some point. That is to tell “love lies”. Little white lies which, though untrue, do not cause the PWD repeated upset and distress.

For example, play along with the idea your grandmother is still alive. To your mother it would be “ oh Grandma can’t visit for a while due to covid. But she’ll visit soon”. Or “we ve Been invited to grandma’s for tea next Tuesday. You’ll see her then” even though neither are true.
As the Alzheimer’s progresses, you’ll find more and more family members are alive to her as she will have forgotten their passing and those who ARE still alive she will remember as younger than they are. It’s best not to disagree with this as she will likely have these conversations more and more often. So allowing her to believe something that keeps her calm and happy is better to upset and stressed.
 

Sxhsarah

New member
Aug 19, 2022
2
0
The

best answer to this is what every or almost every carer of a PWD must do at some point. That is to tell “love lies”. Little white lies which, though untrue, do not cause the PWD repeated upset and distress.

For example, play along with the idea your grandmother is still alive. To your mother it would be “ oh Grandma can’t visit for a while due to covid. But she’ll visit soon”. Or “we ve Been invited to grandma’s for tea next Tuesday. You’ll see her then” even though neither are true.
As the Alzheimer’s progresses, you’ll find more and more family members are alive to her as she will have forgotten their passing and those who ARE still alive she will remember as younger than they are. It’s best not to disagree with this as she will likely have these conversations more and more often. So allowing her to believe something that keeps her calm and happy is better to upset and stressed.
Thank you, yes this all makes sense. And on the flip side if she recalls that someone has passed as if it’s now, and it was several years ago, empathise. It’s learning for us all but I’m very grateful for your help…x