My mum hates staying in

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by lanason, Nov 3, 2006.

  1. lanason

    lanason Registered User

    Jun 11, 2006
    6
    Cambridge
    My father is a carer for my mum who has alzheimers. The strange thing is she HATEs staying in - she is fine when he takes her out in the car or they have visitors. She gets upset and cries when she is in the house. She goes looking for him.
    He is now running out of places to go and finding it totally draining having to "entertain" her all the time. She doesnt watch TV.
    To make things worse, she was in a seroius accident a few years ago and has trouble getting around.

    Has anyone else had this sort of thing happen and had any good ideas to allow him to have a few moments in the garage or in his study.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,642
    Kent
    I`m in exactly the same situation. Every day, as soon as he wakes, my husband says `What are the plans for today? Where are we going?` As I don`t drive, it`s really difficult, but I try to plan something small for each day. A short walk, a trip to the shops, etc. He is unable to generate anything to occupy himself.

    Many a day I`d just like to get on with the housework, uninterrupted, or simply do nothing, but he gets so bored and then the depression sets in.

    Often, when we`ve been out, he`s very tired when we return home and will sleep in the chair. That is when I grab a few minutes for myself.
     
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #3 Margarita, Nov 3, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2006
    This seem to be an issue with lots of people with AZ. my mother was just like that, now I am use to it .

    Soon as I am out of the room, mum looking calling for me she look for me , if I did not tell her where I was what room I was in , someone told me the other day that she give her husband something of her like her hand bag to hold and says to him well you look after this while I pop in to another room , it did the trick with her.

    With me I have to tell my mother I am going to sleep in my room , while in there I do not sleep but have some time out . then the other breaks I get is when my mother is at daycentre , or one of my daughter sits in the same room with my mother while I get on in what needed to be done in the house , other wise if no one is around , mum just call out now to me where are you?

    Mum walking is not so good now , so does not follow me around and want to go out with me , (only day centre) it use to be really bad following me , even if I pop next door she be following me there . I thought she use to do it to wind me up , but its just all part of the AZ , your dad is just your mother security blanket in her mix up mind


    PS
    Has your father sorted out any daycentre for your mother , she may cry and not want to go but for your father heath it be a good way for him to get time out for himself or other wise if you have a big family they could sit with your mother while your father gets some time out .
     
  4. lanason

    lanason Registered User

    Jun 11, 2006
    6
    Cambridge
    Too far away

    I've just spoken to my Father again tonight and gave him this website address. I also gave him the number of his local branhch . . . . we live about 4 hrs away and when ever we visit Mum is fine - laughing at the kids and on great form - its when we are NOT there that Dad has the problems
     
  5. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi lanason
    I am in a similar situation,I am my wife's carer
    My wife does not watch TV, or read.
    She loves music and will listen to CDs.
    She gets lost in the house now and wants to know where I am and am I coming back, if I leave the room.
    Regarding going out she seems to be satisfied when I take her to a small park near to us,we just sit in the car and watch the birds and ducks.
    She also loves trees and this time of year she will delight in the varied colours.
    Cannot comment on visitors,we don't get many these days!!!
    Norman
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #6 Margarita, Nov 4, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2006
    I thank my lucky star , I am now in a position to have meet a friend in UK , that well sit with my mother while I work .

    I use to work full time abroad , mum would be at home with her elderly sister , who could not understand what was happening to her , wanting wondering looking for me all this , I to did not understand also, gosh my mother and I did have a few big arguments over that issue I use to fill so isolated .

    I also felt frustrated, because I did not understand that this was part of AZ, being so clinging, she could not help it, and it was not her fault.

    I could go on a guilt trip now , but not going there , bless mum I just did not know or understand, now I do . I’m not so angry, gosh did I feel angry and resentment towards my mother mix with guilt , as I look back at those days , gosh wish I had TP back then


    Now, I am with my children who can sit with her, and my fiend Claire, could not do it with out them, mum does not night wonder like she use to, dose not ask so much about me , when I am getting back because she know I am coming back , but always have to tell her its an hour later . I never tell her the right time just in case I am late , or then she gets upset , bugs every one a million time in when I am getting back .

    I was told of from my daughter for not ringing saying I was going to be late after popping into a bar after doing the shopping , now I never new before hand that I was going to do that , then after a few drinks say no more .

    My daughter said she did not mind how long I was going to be , it was just Nanny distressing her self that I was not back on time . so I learn the hard way . so if I go out and mum says what time are you back ? I say 1pm when really I get back early. just in case;)
     
  7. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Security blanket

    You seem to have hit a nerve for most of us. My husband has LBD so often has trouble in walking. He too cannot let me out of his sight and follows me everywhere. I have to find something I can do in the same room as he is when his walking becomes too difficult and he might fall. He too loves going out in the car. It realy doesn't matter to him where we go but I think a short trip to the supermarket is his favourite. He also enjoys a walk but as he can only walk a short distance I have to take the wheelchair for when he is tired and Ifind it difficult to cope with on my own.

    I was able to leave him for short periods in a room on his own whilst the recent snooker championship was on TV. I think his attention span was kept because he could watch each shot as a separate entity. He never knew who had won or who was playing but he did enjoy it.

    Wish I could offer some advice. I get comfort from realising that I am his 'security blanket' and gain strength from the feeling that he still loves and trusts me as the one strong reference point in his confused world.
    :)
     
  8. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    130
    St.Helens
    My mum wants to be doing something all of the time. She goes to daycare 3 times a week, which is a lifesaver but I'm trying to find other things to do on the days that she stays home.

    If we're home I can't really leave the room without her calling me or following me (she's even started following me to the loo... which is a new experience for the both of us :eek: ).
     
  9. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi All
    My Mum is the same. Has to be constantly occupied. If she has to stay at home for 1 day, she becomes depressed and weepy. Daycare is a godsend. Mum goes 3 times a week and Dad goes twice. It is the other 4 days of the week which are the problem. I try to take them out 2 days a week. A month or two back they would come into the shops with me, but lately they are happy to sit in the car and wait for me.
    Dad will watch sport on television but Mum switches it off. For a while colouring books and coloured pencils kept Mum occupied, but now sadly that is also beyond her. She likes the music she knows and can remember the words of old songs.
    I also have them to my house most every night for dinner. They both enjoy that, they think they have been out and it is no hardship for me, because I now have appetito meals for them, so I feed them first and take them back to the "bungalow" then hubby and I can eat what we want.
    It is difficult trying to occupy them
    Alfjess
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #10 Margarita, Nov 5, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2006
    Sounds like your doing a graet job when you say
    I feel when they get to that stage
    like my mother it's more the

    company of other they appreciate more , my mother has got use to not going out on the days she does not go to daycentre , she seem to be happy as long as I or my children or friend come around talk , the in out of home life is going on around her if you understand what I mean , its like she is accepting that she can not do the normal day to day things she use to like , as in going to a walk popping in a café and she does not want a wheelchair . I do not know how to drive a car . I was going to learn , but mum said she would not get in to a car if I was driving :( .
    Can’t blame her anyway :)
     
  11. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    Paul, I know it's not funny, but you made me laugh out loud (so, coffee needs to be wiped off the screen).

    Take care

    Jennifer
     
  12. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi All
    Thanks Magarita. Like everyone else on TP, yourself included. I am doing my best, although it is not always perfect.
    My aim in life now is to keep my parents happy and if that means that Dad won't wear clean clothes everyday or Mum insists her clothes are brand new:rolleyes: and it stresses them too much to change clothes, what does it matter. I then have to think of another way for next time
    Alfjess
     
  13. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    130
    St.Helens

    You have to find these things funny or else you wouldn't last long as a carer :rolleyes:
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #14 Margarita, Nov 6, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2006
    I remember when my mum would do that;
    with mum it started to get really bad when mum would not get in to the bath , so started to get really smelly,

    ( not saying your dad does that )

    the only way I could sort that out was to , get in
    contact with the elderly
    social Services , social worker to do a referral to the adaptation unit to put in a walk in shower, so out went the bath my teenagers was not happy , but at lest mum was not so scared of the shower , even thought now she ware the same trouser every day 3 times a week to daycentre , there old velvet black trouser from 7 years or more , the only way around it , is that I has seen the same pair in M&S so am going to get to 2 more.
     

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