1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    136
    n ireland
    Hi, haven't been on for ages. My mum has been in care since the middle of April. She looks well, sleeps well and eats well so I have to assume she's content enough. Every time I visit its the same thing - I was pulling her up the road to put her in the home and she fell and broke her neck ( she fell out other last December and broke bones in her neck - this is how she came to be in the home) or I pushed her down the stairs . she tells it to every one. She can't find things bad enough to say about me. Constantly giving me dirty looks and telling me how much she doesn't like me or how much she hates me. Tells me she loves her brother and sister but hates me etc. Most days I can cope but the longer it's going on the harder it is. It's got now I don't want to go and then I feel guilty for feeling like that.

    I was very attentive to my mum- saw her every day, stayed overnight with her, as did my 2 sons, had her on holiday with us every year etc. I know it's not really her but it's flipping hard. It was hard enough to put her in the home but I thought she would settle.

    I've tried distracting her, bringing photos, magazines, taking her photo etc but it's the same mantra each time . It's awful.
     
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    I'm so sorry it sounds horrendously upsetting xxxx Does she ever say anything nice? Is this just since going into the home or did she say things like that before?

    I had similar problems with my Mum (although not so consistent and not so strong) and I used to just assume it was the dementia and ignore her but it doesn't sound as though you can ignore your mum's constant comments.
    Have you ever tried saying to her 'you don't want me here, would you rather I didn't visit for a while?"

    Sorry to ask so many questions. I really do feel your pain - I used to ignore but it was really hurtful xxxxxxx
     
  3. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,563
    Scotland
    It's the dementia talking, my mum tells me what a horrible daughter I am and what a lovely person my brother is, we only see him about 4 times a year and he does nothing for her, I don't have any problem with him as he has his own family to deal with and often works away.
     
  4. BCMiles75

    BCMiles75 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2015
    3
    Please know you are not alone with this. My mom treats my sister and I terribly but my brother (who rarely goes to see her) is the greatest! We think, since we are the ones that go to see her all the time, she is blaming us for her being there. I know it's hard to hear but, remember, she doesn't realize what she is saying....it is the dementia talking. Hang in there and I'll pray for you!
     
  5. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,839
    Suffolk
    How often do you visit? Try cutting it down so she doesn't see so much of you. Frequently it is the main carer who comes in for the horrible stuff, so if you're not there often enough to be main carer she might change, in time.

    Don't worry, it's the disease talking, btw.

    I remember once visiting OH in his nursing home and he said go away ( or words to that effect) and I did! Thought I am paying them a lot of money to look after him, so I'm not going to spend a couple of hours trying to convince him that I really am quite likeable!
     
  6. Braemar

    Braemar Registered User

    Nov 8, 2015
    7
    My mum doesn't trust me suddenly

    We are still waiting for an official diagnosis, which has been so hard to get even though we have PoA, but after weeks of my mum being extremely confused and frail and still refusing to answer the phone saying it's broken or hiding it in her walker, last Wednesday she out of the blue called me from her phone perfectly 'normally' accusing me and my husband of stripping her of everything taking everything of her ipad (which she cant even use on her own!!) and demanding all her files back or she would call the family solicitor......then quite calmly wishes me sweet dreams and godbless.......this has really shaken me up and she did indeed call our family solicitor who went out to see her and she told me she was wearing lipstick (for the first time in ages!!) because he was coming........part of me feel so resentless after all we have done but then when I read up about dementia I know it could be the dementia but how can someone supposedly so ill to require carers daily suddenly be so lucid when it suits!!!!!........
     
  7. Annie C

    Annie C Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    39
    Wales
    My MIL is existing in some kind of parallel universe at the moment yet seemingly she appears perfectly lucid to many people, so I do sympathise ... knowing it's the dementia talking doesn't really help does it.
     
  8. carol4444

    carol4444 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2014
    109
    It is so hard. I'm not phoning Mum now and visit only weekly because of this. The rest of the time she is well cared for by some very understanding carers. Whilst I was mowing her lawns last week she was outside looking into my car to see 'what I had stolen this week'. Mum tells her sister "you don't know what I have to put up with"..... Luckily my aunt knows what is going on but I hate to think about what mum is telling her neighbours and it is quite likely giving them something to really gossip about. I've had to step back as it was making me ill, it still does to a certain extent. It really annoys me that we can't spend her last few years talking together, she just won't connect. There are so many silly obstacles that we have to get over that a decent conversation just doesn't happen. I feel for you and hope you find a better solution than mine.
     
  9. Braemar

    Braemar Registered User

    Nov 8, 2015
    7
    Thank you

    Thank you for your response itis so nice to have some reassurance!
     
  10. Braemar

    Braemar Registered User

    Nov 8, 2015
    7
    Thank you

    Thank you for you response, much appreciated. I can't phone my mum anymore ether as se won't answer the phone...I miss her!
     
  11. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    773
    Mum did have a lengthy period of hate and aggression towards me . I was visiting up to 3 times a day . Average at least once a day. Came to a head Oct 2014. The home suggested less contact . Fast forward to Oct 2015 mums aggression has become well entrenched. However I have reduced my visits to one a week and mum enjoys seeing me. It has been so nice. However the staff ,who are absolutely wonderful to her, are really copping it from her. A geriatrican saw her last week regarding mum having ,when required, sedation. I had previously declined it for mum but now the aggression is out of hand.
    Mind you I am now holidays so not at all sure how she will be when I return.
     
  12. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    I visit my mum regularly and she is never pleased to see me. I clean, wash, shop and spend time trying to talk to her but she is only interested in the money in her purse and being left to starve (she isn't).When I leave she says 'I don't know why you visit, you never do anything for me'.
    We have never had a good relationship. She thinks my brother who has not spoken or visited her in over 3 years is wonderful and does everything for her. He only wants her money and won't speak to me since I refused to give him any.
    Mum's attitude towards me was the same before dementia so I should be used to it and not let upset me, not easy.
     

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