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My mum has just passed away, dad has alzheimer's and has had to go into care, should he come to the funeral

Blossom50

Registered User
Aug 22, 2016
11
I am torn. My mum passed away in April, she was my dad's carer at their home. Dad had to go to a care home when she went into hospital and now this will be permanent . The funeral is next Tuesday, it's taken ages to arrange for a number of reasons. At the moment I have decided that dad should not be at the funeral. This is because he will not understand why he is there and that mum is gone, and we won't be able to help him, hug him and reassure him in anyway due to the covid rules, also he is being shielded due to covid and I don't think he will be allowed out of the care home. I'm struggling to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. Mum and dad were married for over 60 years, it seems so wrong that he can't say his goodbyes. Apart from my own grieving for losing my mum, the dilemma is so painful.
Has anyone been through this, I don't know what to do
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,848
North West
I agree with the others.

My dad died five years ago now (just realised how long). Mum was at home then and obviously still early stages. She went to dads funeral but she struggled with it even then. Last year I graduated from my MSc and decided not to take mum with me as she was advancing, I felt terrible about it, but it was the right decision in the end, she wouldn't have coped with it at all. I can't tell you what to do for certain, but now your dad is in the later stages of dementia it probably would be in his interests not to go to the funeral. Its so hard but sometimes we fall into the trap of alleviating our own anxieties rather than doing what is appropriate and required of us. Hoping you find some resolve.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Im so sorry to hear about your mum.

If your dad is unable to understand what is happening or that his wife has gone, then he will not be able to say goodbye to her. It will be meaningless and making him go will just be for appearances sake, because of the feeling that this is what he aught to be doing. It is easy to project our own feelings onto someone with dementia, but their world is no longer our world and has to measured by different rules. Just let him be.
 

Blossom50

Registered User
Aug 22, 2016
11
Im so sorry to hear about your mum.

If your dad is unable to understand what is happening or that his wife has gone, then he will not be able to say goodbye to her. It will be meaningless and making him go will just be for appearances sake, because of the feeling that this is what he aught to be doing. It is easy to project our own feelings onto someone with dementia, but their world is no longer our world and has to measured by different rules. Just let him be.
Thank you for reply, it makes sense and I appreciate your help. I will let him be x
 

Blossom50

Registered User
Aug 22, 2016
11
I agree with the others.

My dad died five years ago now (just realised how long). Mum was at home then and obviously still early stages. She went to dads funeral but she struggled with it even then. Last year I graduated from my MSc and decided not to take mum with me as she was advancing, I felt terrible about it, but it was the right decision in the end, she wouldn't have coped with it at all. I can't tell you what to do for certain, but now your dad is in the later stages of dementia it probably would be in his interests not to go to the funeral. Its so hard but sometimes we fall into the trap of alleviating our own anxieties rather than doing what is appropriate and required of us. Hoping you find some resolve.
Thank you for your thoughts, and sharing your experience. My goal as to be to protect my dad from more sadness and confusion as much as I can. We can say words for him at the service x
 

Alex54

Registered User
Oct 15, 2018
307
Newtown, Wales
We were in the same situation a few years ago but made the decision to include rather than exclude. The funeral went without a hitch, and whilst dementia meant he did not really understand what was going on, he did get closure from seeing family at the wake.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
927
My Dad didn't go to my Mum's funeral,I never even told him she had died.In the midst of the Covid crisis there won't be a wake,you can't hold his hand or hug him.I agree with the majority on here,let him be.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
339
if hes shielding its against the rules to go to gatherings like funeral. if he doesnt understand it would be pointless to risk him going. sorry about your mum.