1. marion59

    marion59 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2008
    5
    I am new to this but felt i needed to say why i am on here! My mum passed away on 26th november i was her carer for 3 years also for my dad, who has dementia. I moved in with them to care for them, now all i feel is guilt my dad is in a care home due to his wandering(i had to call the police once as he was missing all day). My mum went into a care home as i could not cope with the sleepless nights(she was on sleeping tablets, but they had no effect)i am working part time and wasnt getting any sleep as she use to knock on my bedroom door for me four or five times a night.She died in hospital and we were very shocked when we recieved the death certificate to see the cause of death was AD as we were never informed of this. I realise now because the smptoms described on the website she had(hallucinations etc),in the end she stopped eating couldnt swallow and stopped talking. I keep thinking perhaps she would still be here if i hadnt placed her in a care home!
     
  2. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Marion,
    I cannot understand why you have had no responses to your post. :confused: Everyone on TP is very caring and I am amazed that your post seems to have slipped through without replies.

    First may I say how sorry I am about your dear mother. It is very hard to lose a loved parent and even harder when you have a shock connected to the death (as you did with your Mum).

    And, dear Marion, PLEASE don't feel guilty about having your Mum go to a Home. It wasn't YOU that made that necessary, it was the disease.

    You are obviously a devoted daughter who gave three years to caring for her parents, untl it got to be too much. You did everything and more that a loving daughter should do.

    Once your Mum got to the stage where she kept you awake at night, you had no choice. Especially as you are still working.
    Just like your Dad, the symptoms of her disease were such that she needed more care than you could give her at home.

    Try to accept that your Mum would have died at this time because of the progress of the disease - not because she was in a home.

    It is normal to feel guilty - we all feel we should do "more" for our loved ones. But we must also be reaslistic and recognise that guilt is not helpful. It is, as I said, the DISEASE that causes the trauma, the heart break and eventually the deaths. All we can do is our best - and clearly you have done that to your very greatest ability.

    You have my sincere condolences on the loss of your dear mother. Try now to remember that she is free of her hallucinations and at peace. Hopefully this will comfort you in your grief.
     
  3. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Dear Marion
    I can't understand how I missed your thread!!!

    I cared for my mum too before she died in hospital

    You are in no way to blame whatsoever....I wasn't working when i cared for mum....to be honest there is no way I could have worked and cared for her at the same time.

    Please don't beat yourself up about this....you did absolutely the right thing by placing her into full time care.....

    Time will heal your wounds.....don't let the guilt monster get to you,.......kick him out the window!!!!

    Love xx
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    Dear Marion,

    I too must apologize that you`ve had no reply to your post. I come on Talking Point [TP] every day, and still I missed it.

    Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. I`m surprised her AD wasn`t picked up earlier, although it is said Alzheimers Disease cannot be properly identified until after death. Perhaps this is the reason.

    As for your father`s wandering, it is impossible to keep a check on it, and he would have been seriously at risk without 24 hour care.

    So please don`t feel guilty about either of your parents. You have done your best and no-one could ask for more.

    Take care now, and please post again.

    Love xx
     
  5. marion59

    marion59 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2008
    5
    Thank you for the replies it is very reassuring! I try to think of the happy memories of my mum and there are many.I still have problems sleeping as i am still living in my mum and dads house and there is a lot of memories, but what keeps me awake is the flashbacks i am getting from when she was in hospital and especially on the day she died. Will these flashbacks ever fade.
     
  6. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    Dear Marion,

    I'm very sorry that I also missed your original post. Please accept my sympathies during this difficult period.

    With time, things will gradually fade. More importantly, you must accept the fact that you did the very best and the most that you possibly could. This will help you to cope and I feel will reduce and eventually eliminate the flashbacks you speak of. They are from the Guilt Monster and do not belong in your life.

    You are obviously a loving daughter who went above and beyond. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Marion, I too missed your first post, and I'm sorry. It doesn't very often happen that no-one notices, I do hope you'll forgive us.

    The others are right, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

    I know that won't make the feeling go away, my husband is in a care home, and I feel guilty every day, even though I know I couldn't manage him on my own. We all have our limitations, and it doesn't help anyone for the carer to become ill.

    The flashbacks are mormal too, and will gradually fade, though you may still get them when you are feeling particularly low.

    Just try to remember the good times with your mum and dad, and that you did everything in your power to care for them both.

    Try to make the most of the time you have left with your dad, and build up some good memories.

    Love,
     
  8. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    1,881
    Nr Mold
    I too am so sorry I missed your message and send you love and sympathy on the loss of your mother.

    You are doing the best you can for your father ensuring his safety and well being.

    Take care.

    Linda x
     
  9. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Marion

    Please do not feel guilty about the circumstances surrounding your Mum. You must have done a sterling job caring for her and your Dad for so long. You deserve a huge pat on the back. You work part time but also cared full time without a break, even to sleep.

    In the paid professional care sector this is not allowed and you have to have a minimum time between shifts but as a carer in the home you did not get this.

    Like you I found that I could recall every minute of Dad's final hours, however now with the passage of time, these have grown more faded and allowed the good memories to return. For me a few months after Dad's death seemed to be the worst time as the immediate flurry of things to do passed, people forgot and you finally felt overwhelmingly exhausted.

    You have done the right thing to ensure that your Dad has the best care possible. It is so difficult to care when wandering happens.

    Thinking of you

    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))

    Mameeskye
     
  10. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Marion

    Like everyone else, I'm not sure how I missed your post before.

    I lost my Mum 8 weeks ago, and I sher face so clearly in my face. I feel I am on a rollercoaster.

    One day I am calm(ish) and then back to sobbing. Today has been a bad day:(

    Grief is awful. Today, I was drving along, seeing my Mum in my mind. Imagining her putting her coat on, hearing her call our names. I just thought no way is it possible I won't see her again. Today, I have sobbed and sobbed. I miss my Mum so badly.

    I get up, make breakfast... go to work.. come home, cook dinner, do the cleaning - life is no different BUT it IS completely different. I feel like my life is 'fake' at the moment, an almost pretend existence that we are acting out.

    Nit sure if that makes sense - but, it is how I am feeling.

    Don't feel guilty, you did your best. You can't feel guilty about something you never knew.

    Take care.

    Beverley x
     
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Marion, so sorry to read of the death of your dear mum.

    I am so surprised to read the above,.....not so much that you were never informed..(Most upsetting).....more that a registrar actually registered a death down to AD.

    If more were registered like this, I feel more would be done to raise awareness.

    That does not take away the sadness on losing your mother. Please accept my condolences.
     
  12. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    342
    Hello Marion,

    So sorry to hear about your Mum - my Mum died recently too and "yes" I keep getting flashbacks of when she died (almost like you hear about with post-traumatuic shock victims ) BUT I've also just started to get flashbacks of years ago - when she was fit & well- these are memories I hadn't thought about for ages. I think that these much happier memories had been totally submerged by the day to day pressure of caring for an AZ sufferer !


    Hope your flashbacks gradually change over time to much happier ones too.

    Regards
    Germain
     
  13. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    342
    Sorry its me again.


    Connie - I forgot to say that our Mum's death was registered as Alzheimers too so perhaps things are gradually moving on that front.


    Germain
     

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