My mum does not know who I am

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Keely, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    Just feeling down today its my birthday tomorrow and although for the last few years mum would not have remembered it once she had a gentle reminder she always wished me a happy birthday. All my life she has said happy birthday but the last few weeks she does not know I am her daughter. If I tell her who I am other than telling her my name she becomes distressed and says she can not remember and then asks if she was married. She can't even remember her own name now. I thought by this stage she would have no insight but she does , she becomes very upset saying she has lost her memory completely. She says she does not know who she is where she is. Its just so streesful. I keep visiting her and do my best to just love her but I am at a bit of a loss. The staff keep trying to orientate her but I think it is just upseting her further.
     
  2. CYN

    CYN Registered User

    Jan 4, 2008
    702
    east sussex
    Hi Keely , sorry to hear you are feeling sad today, sending you some flowers to cheer you. Cynthia x x
     

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  3. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,852
    England
    Dear Keely, no wonder you are feeling down. Cynthia's flowers are lovely, they have cheered me up tonight. :D My mum has no interest in anyone else's birthday and even if I am visiting her on my birthday she is not interested. Nothing to do with her! :confused: At least she knows I am her daughter most of the time, though increasingly this is starting to slip. We just have to get our celebratory love and hugs from other people if we can.

    I wonder if you are right about the staff causing distress by reminding/orienting your mum? I think this can happen on and off, so sometimes it may be helping her. It is so hard to know what to do for the best. My mum tries to live in a bubble and doesn't really like anything that disrupts that, which includes any sort of celebration or special occasion. She will enjoy 20 minutes of opening her presents on Christmas Day and then that's it, she doesn't like change to her routine. To be fair, she does enjoy having her little crib and Christmas tree with sparkly lights which I put out for her, but I don't think she would be bothered much if I didn't do it.

    Anyway, tomorrow IS your special day, so Happy Birthday to You! Lots of love, Katrine xx :):)
     
  4. PurpleJay

    PurpleJay Registered User

    Nov 2, 2011
    169
    Derbyshire
    If you are going to see her could you do your usual introduction and tell her it is your birthday. I know it won't be the same but you would still be sharing it with her in some way.

    I really feel for you. Do try and do something nice for yourself and have a happy birthday.

    Jane x
     
  5. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    Thank you - it helps to know how others cope and Cynthia the flowers are lovely and have cheered me up too – thank you . I thought I would cope better with this stage than I am - it is like losing my mum but she is still there - I guess that is just the way this illness is and it is difficult for us all. Katrine thank for sharing your experience of how your Mum is, sometimes I do wonder if it is just my Mum. You are right about the routine Mum can’t cope if it changes much and it disturbs and distresses her. I will see how I feel tomorrow I had intended to visit and PurpleJay I was intending to just do as you suggest but it would be more for me than her and I am not sure I can hold it together I am just so easily moved to tears at the moment. I think I am use to being practical and helpful and loving towards mum but at the stage she is at now all these things seem less useful to her and I feel a bit hopeless. She has just deteriorated so fast, its hard to get my head around it.
     
  6. angeladleo

    angeladleo Registered User

    Jan 13, 2011
    9
    Happy Birthday

    Can't really add anything but just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday :) Hope you have some other special people in your life you can share it with x

    Angela
     
  7. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    Happy Birthday from me too.
     
  8. Tess810home

    Tess810home Registered User

    Jan 11, 2011
    157
    London
    A note from Mum...

    I know the feeling, Christmas is not so bad, but Birthday's are so personal and the most important of all greetings are from your parents. I know not to expect any recognition of my birthday anymore. Mum sees the cards and asks who's birthday it is, when I tell her I usually recieve a 'happy birthday' but it's a polite comment, as if she is wishing it to a stranger. It's the one thing that still gets to me.

    So, If she were well, I know your mum would say...

    "Happy Birthday love"

    I know it's not the same coming second-hand, but you know that underneath this disease, your mum still loves you and sends these wishes.

    Take care and have a great birthday.
    xx
     
  9. augusta

    augusta Registered User

    Nov 29, 2011
    11
    Happy birthday Keely!

    Your post made me cry a little as yesterday for the first time, Mum forgot my name.
    I knew it would happen eventually, but I wasn't prepared for how upset I would be.
     
  10. Tess810home

    Tess810home Registered User

    Jan 11, 2011
    157
    London
    Sorry to hear that Augusta, (and Keely) it doesn't matter how much we know about what to expect, it still catches us unawares sometimes. I read a post on the forum a few days ago offering an explanation as to why my mum forgets who I am yet frequently asks where her own mum is. The explanation offered was that she may be seeking comfort from a long ago memory...I sometimes spend so much time caring for her physical needs I forget that she also needs the comfort and security she had as a child from her own mother, now I know that her need for long passed relatives is her cry for some extra TLC, so, I hold her hand, do her hair or try to distract her by doing something special with her, i.e. hair, pedicure etc. In a very short time she no longer feels so lost and sometimes remembers who I am, it also gives us some tactile contact which is not specifically aimed at her routine needs such as toileting, dressing, meds etc, (which tends to turn me into carer, rather than daughter). I know it won't always be this easy to 'bring her back' but it works for us at the moment and at least 'connects' us again for a short while.

    I hope this is in some way constructive...take care,
     
  11. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    Thank you I have had a good day and just had a bit of weep reading the posts but so greatful to you all for your kind words and birthday wishes - the second hand "happy birthday love" made me laugh! I think it is that we are caught unaware and that the birthday is so personel. I am normally so good at coping and I suppose no matter how prepared we think we are the reality is just so hard hitting at times. Thank you again for your lovely words. love Keely x
     
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
  13. Perdita

    Perdita Registered User

    Jun 22, 2009
    219
    Suffolk, Uk
    Aw Happy Birthday Keely:)

    I's my birthday later this week and although Mum still knows who I am, she no longer nows what time of day or what day it is.. She hasn't known it's my birthday for a couple of years and it takes some getting used too:(
     
  14. Busybee67

    Busybee67 Registered User

    May 5, 2011
    69
    Cambridgeshire
    Happy Birthday, Keely!!!!!

    It was my birthday last week and I had the same feeling all day too. My mum too does not know me as her daughter but more as a friend who visits alot!!!

    Try and have a great rest of your day and enjoy it as your mum would want you too.

    Happy Birthday and take care!

    Anita x x
     

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