My mum can be really rude

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Sarahjane1967, Dec 17, 2015.

  1. Sarahjane1967

    Sarahjane1967 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2015
    13
    My mum is really rude when I take her out. She is racist, fattest in fact has a loud opinion about everyone. It is very draining. Before this illness she was not a nasty person bit is terrible now. Is she always going to
    Be like this? On Monday she told someone they should be 6 feet under as they weren't the same colour as her!!
     
  2. Kitten71

    Kitten71 Registered User

    Jul 22, 2013
    157
    East Yorkshire
    Hello, I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with your mum. Have you contacted social services? They should have an adult care department and they can get things done very quickly if need be. Also, what about day care for your mum? That's a possibility and may be subsidised by your local authority too. You could arrange for carers to come and assist your mum at key points in the day. Perhaps social services have a sitter service whereby someone comes and sits for a couple of hours to relieve the carer and give them a bit of time to themselves. That might not be easily organised at short notice but more a thought for future. Are you able to do flexi hours at work at all? I hope you manage to find a suitable solution that works for you both :)
     
  3. Daisy Duck

    Daisy Duck Registered User

    Sep 13, 2013
    17
    I used to take my mum out to one of her activities in a cab but the journey there was always an ordeal because of inappropriate comments to the driver. I eventually found a cab company where none of the drivers seemed to speak or understand any English. That solved it!
     
  4. Sarahjane1967

    Sarahjane1967 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2015
    13
    Mum is quite racist

    Even when watching television mum is getting very racist/fattist in fact everything it's! Her racist language and swearing is getting dreadful. Mum never used to swear but now shouts at the television! Yesterday we went for a walk and she actually told a man that he was 'a black ****er' and should be 6 feet under. I was horrified and really don't want to take her out again. I've got social services coming to do a carers assessment. Is this normal?
     
  5. Sarahjane1967

    Sarahjane1967 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2015
    13
    I'm worried to take her to daycare in case she's rude to people there. I don't use swear words so have no idea why mums started swearing. It's so out of character.....
     
  6. Sarahjane1967

    Sarahjane1967 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2015
    13
    It's the second time this week mums verbally attacked someone....
     
  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,975
    Toronto, Canada
    Unfortunately, that sort of behaviour is all too common. As the disease progresses, the learned social inhibitions can disappear. My mother also had nasty things to say about black people. Plus the things she would say about people's appearances! She freely (and loudly) would say things like "Doesn't she have a fat ass?" or "That one has a really big nose" or "He's really ugly".

    She went on about size in particular. This made me laugh once because at that point Mum was 5"4" and at least 4 stone overweight, if not more. She was standing naked in her bathroom, with her breasts, midriff and abdomen forming larger and larger descending shelves, looking like a little Buddha, and stated with complete conviction that she had never been fat. She was standing in front of a very large mirror at the time. I found that hysterical but it made me realize how she could look at something and really not see it.
     
  8. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    773
    I was actually amazed at the words mum knew
     
  9. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Sarahjane, welcome to TP. I'm sorry it's so stressful with your mother.

    I'm another one who has experienced the rude and loud and socially inappropriate and cringe-worthy comments in public, both from my grandmother (who used very racist language) and, currently, from my mother, both of whom had/have Alzheimer's type dementia. My mother currently has a delusion/fixation about a man at her care home whom, she says, drops his trousers and, um, touches himself inappropriately. Her very loud descriptions, complete with hand gestures, of the, er, inappropriate touching make me really want to melt into the floor. I suppose I should be grateful she's not doing sound effects as well.

    So you're definitely not the only one out there who has experienced this kind of behaviour. Not that it makes it better for you while it's happening, but I personally find it comforting to know I'm not alone or not the only one going through something.

    I don't have great advice for you. With my mother, I've found the best strategy is to make a concerned/sympathetic/surprised comment, such as, "he does? Oh, my? Really?" and then distract her/change the subject as quickly as possible, before she can get stuck into her loop on it. The best distraction for my mother is food (coffee and/or biscuits and/or ice cream), which of course we can't always offer, but that's the sure-fire distraction that tends to flip her mood to positive most of the time. And sometimes if I interrupt her too quickly, she doggedly returns to the subject. It's definitely trial-and-error.

    I have seen/heard from others, here on TP and in my support groups, that some have success with politely but firmly telling the PWD (person with dementia) that they are not discussing that, not listening to that sort of language, something along those lines, so that's another tactic you could try if you think it appropriate.

    If you're not able to distract your mother and redirect the conversation, you can try removing yourself physically when it happens--just stand up and announce you need to use the toilet, and off you go, or suddenly take an "urgent" call on your mobile, or whatever gets you out of the room/area for a moment.

    I agree with others who have seen, with dementia, both social skills and "filters" erode as the disease progresses. I imagine this is where a lot of the inappropriate stuff comes from, but don't really know.

    When I'm in public with my mother and she is behaving in whatever strange way, I often am able, without my mother noticing, to tip off the clerk or waitress or whomever. Usually all I have to say is, thank you for being patient with my mother, she has Alzheimer's, and I get a flash of sympathy and understanding. Sometimes I don't have to say anything at all. I also have some business-type cards I got from a support group or workshop that say something similar, that I can slip to someone if I need to. I wonder if any of those strategies would help you?

    Also as Canadian Joanne points out, self-reflection also somehow becomes impossible. My mother has been slender all of her life, but has recently put on quite a bit of weight. Of course she still thinks of herself as slender, and claims that the laundry is "shrinking" her clothes. Well, no, Mum, actually your trousers don't fit because you're now at least a size larger than you used to be!

    Oh, and to get back the OP, I also wanted to say, DO NOT let this behaviour stop you from taking her to day care. They should be more than able to take this in their stride and have probably heard and seen much worse.

    I'm sorry this is all so distressing for you.
     
  10. Sarahjane1967

    Sarahjane1967 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2015
    13
    Thank you. This has helped very much. I feel a bit better knowing that others have experienced similar behaviour. I'll try the distraction stuff. Regarding inappropriate stuff Mum attempted to kiss my ex brother in law over Christmas, stating loudly that she loves him, which has upset my sister. Mum does seem to have a 'thing' about males and has made some very inappropriate comments to most men, even when we're shopping! Has anyone else come across this as my sister found it really disturbing and is now reluctant to invite mum to family events where men will be present.
     
  11. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    Hi there
    My Mum also had her moments (well more than moments to be honest). I also used acknowledgement of her comment (very brief), usually a quick apology and then distraction as Amy suggests.

    I would copy the posts here and show your sister in law and maybe it will help her understand a bit more and see how common it is. I'm very much of the opinion that we shouldn't stop people going to things but it is worth a quick explanation before they make an appearance or an inappropriate comment so that people are prepared and have some idea of how to cope with it - if you don't give visitors the strategies to deal with it then they become fearful and the person becomes isolated.

    Some of the things my Mum said were both ridiculously funny and extremely embarrassing but after a while I learned not to be embarrassed any more
    Good luck xx
     
  12. Sarahjane1967

    Sarahjane1967 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2015
    13
    Thank you. I've started to use some of the strategies I've read on here and I'm finding things much easier. I'll show my sister some of the comments and hopefully that will help her understand a bit better. Unfortunately she is still not accepting that mum has dementia and believes mum is saying/doing things on purpose to annoy her. I've tried to explain to her but she refuses to accept that it's an illness.
     
  13. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Sarahjane, it must be very hard for you to try to deal with your sister who can't, or won't, or at least doesn't, accept that your mother has dementia. I have certainly run across this as well, although not from a family member. I am sure others here have experienced this also.

    While the "kind" part of me wants to be sympathetic that your sister is perhaps having a hard time accepting your mum's condition--because who wants anyone to be ill, especially with this terrible disease?--the practical part of me feels that this is probably making things harder for everyone. It definitely is for you, and your sister may inadvertently be upsetting your mother, which is no good for either of them.

    If your sister doesn't come around to accepting your mother's diagnosis, I wonder if you could get a doctor, nurse, social worker, (or anyone who isn't you who is someone your sister would listen to) to talk to your sister. I also wonder if your sister would benefit from talking to her GP or a therapist/counselor or Age UK or a carer's group. You don't treat a broken leg by pretending it's not broken, after all.

    If I've spoken out of turn, or upset anyone, I apologize, as it was not my intent. Chalk it up to a long week of dealing with bureaucratic idiots on my and my mother's behalf.
     

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