My Mum being rude & not co-operating with the home help.

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
0
Co.Sligo, Ireland
My Mum's memory's got worse the last month, but because she forgets instantly some of the time, thinks she's ok. I managed to arrange home help 5 morns a wk, which is a great help, she goes in gets her up for breakfast & tabs. 3 days a wk my husband or myself take her to day centre around 10.30. Last few wks my mum's been rude to home help & won't co-operate with her. Few wks ago she had the runs after arriving home from the centre. Said she would complain to them about the dinner. I said you can't do that, you have no proof. Home help asked other people she cares for, if they had problems after the dinner & all were ok.

Next day, she went in2 my mum 2get her up & she refused, said not well. Home help said, she has to report to the nurse jobs she does for her. My mum then said, I don't want breakfast, I'm not getting up & I don't care about the nurse. Home help didn't know what to do & rang me. We know her well & she's a neighbour. I said if you can get her up for breakfast & tablets, that would be great. She very kindly made her boiled egg with dry toast2 settle her tummy.

I rang my mum that aftn at4 & still in bed. I said, you haven't washed since having the runs the day before, I'll come & help you bath. When I went in, was up & dressed, refused2 have bath. I said, that's disgusting not to wash properly. I checked her outside bin & she'd thrown the egg in there & was all over the place. Had only eaten toast.

Same happened again, my mum refused to get up & let home help change bed. Again, my mum said, I don't want to get up & why do you have to change bed. After calling her 4 times, eventually got up & home help said, there's no need to get mad with me, I'm only here to do my job.

I took her to GP yest, as she's had the runs 3 times in last mth & I was worried in case she had diabetes. As she drinks lot lucozade, eats lot of chocolate, crisps, cake & wine. The GP checked her urine sample & said was ok, but told her to stop the lucozade & cut down on chocolate. On way home, I stopped to get petrol & she wanted to go in the shop. She was looking at the chocolate aisle & I said, do you remember what the GP told you. She said, yes I do, but I'm going to do what I want. I couldn't help get so mad then, I took her to the GP, as so worried about her, then felt I wasted my time. Both my husband & myself explained to my mum that she's only living on her own, as I arranged home help. That if she continues to be rude & not co-operate with her, home help will be withdrawn & The Drs have said, would mean a nursing home.

This aftn my husband was driving through our town & passed the home help walking. Gave her a lift & she told him was on way to my mum's for the 2nd time today. She'd gone in to her at midday & had refused to get up yet again, saying was unwell. (Was a hangover). Home help said, she'd call back later. As she doesn't drive, had to walk 25mins to her next person she cares for,then back again to my mum. My husband then saw my mum walking across the road from the shop. He said, I have home help in my car coming back to you a 2nd time, as you refused to get up earlier. In her usual way my mum said, oh sorry, held her hand out & said, give it a slap & laughed. He got understandably annoyed & said, that's not funny & walked away. MY husband said, he's lost all respect for her, as some of the time she knows what she's doing. I'm finding it hard to know how to deal with the situation. I'd be grateful for any suggestions.
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
0
Aw, Mother Goose,

She's just living her life.

I KNOW it's a torment for you and all that, but she is just living her life.

She has dementia, she will not go with the polite flow.

It's awful of me but part of me always loves it to hear of another person continuing to be independent when they apparently shouldn't be.

I know it causes you and your husband worry and stress and I know how it feels to worry.

But still there's a part of me that wants to cheer when the person who needs care stands their ground and causes us carers grief.

Believe me, I'm NOT being flippant...I KNOW how hard and worrisome it is...but still there's a part of me cheers.

Perhaps it's for myself, should I find myself in their situation, I think I would take a bit of persuading that I need help too, so perhaps I worry that I glance into the mirror and therefore can't condemn.

It's very worrying though, I tore my hair out with my Mam...revenge for the teenage angst I caused her.
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
The non-bathing is a very unpleasant and distressing phase. My mother went through it more than once. I would try the "Do you want a bath or a shower?" approach, which gave her a choice. Sometimes it worked but certainly not always.

There is also the fact that we need to slow our speech down when asking a question and, when repeating it, using exactly the same words. It's a habit for me to rephrase something if I haven't been understood but with dementia, it is much better to repeat the exact same words. It's also important to allow time for the person to process the statement. Someone speaking too quickly would only irritate and agitate my mother.

I think you should also consider the possibility of a care home or nursing home. You may not need to move her immediately but I do think it's better to learn everything one can ahead of time.
 

Mother goose

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
257
0
Co.Sligo, Ireland
I know my mum is living her life & has always been independant.
We are trying to keep her independant as long as we can, to prevent her from going into a nursing home.

If home help or myself don't get her up, she will stay in bed until 5-6 in the afternoon. That's from the evening before & no breakfast, lunch or drinks. I worry even more then, as when she hasn't eaten or drank her memory is worse.
It's hard to see her like that.







Aw, Mother Goose,

She's just living her life.

I KNOW it's a torment for you and all that, but she is just living her life.

She has dementia, she will not go with the polite flow.

It's awful of me but part of me always loves it to hear of another person continuing to be independent when they apparently shouldn't be.

I know it causes you and your husband worry and stress and I know how it feels to worry.

But still there's a part of me that wants to cheer when the person who needs care stands their ground and causes us carers grief.

Believe me, I'm NOT being flippant...I KNOW how hard and worrisome it is...but still there's a part of me cheers.

Perhaps it's for myself, should I find myself in their situation, I think I would take a bit of persuading that I need help too, so perhaps I worry that I glance into the mirror and therefore can't condemn.

It's very worrying though, I tore my hair out with my Mam...revenge for the teenage angst I caused her.