Hi everyone,
My mum (72) has not been diagnosed with dementia but she's convinced herself she has it. I can’t deny that it does seem to be heading that way but I also wonder how much of it has been her telling herself over the years that she’s going to get it/has it. Bit like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Her mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer but much later on in life and mum has convinced herself that because her mum had it and because she has problems with her memory, she therefore must have it too. It is and has been for many years her biggest fear, as she watched her mum go through it and it is, as we all know, one of the most evil diseases.
Mum has lived alone for many years so is used to (and content with) her own company. But, like so many others during that first lockdown, having all that time alone had a detrimental impact on her. When the support bubble was introduced it of course made things so much better for her as she was able to join my bubble (along with my husband and our daughter).
In May of this year she also developed some severe neck pains which she’s been under investigations for and which is still (very frustratingly) ongoing. She’s not in pain every day but it has affected her a lot and has, she says, put her life on hold.
Since the lockdown and her neck pain she has (I hate to use this word) ‘deteriorated’ I feel a lot. She used to belong to a choir pre-Covid which was a huge part of her life. Since choirs have opened up their doors again she hasn’t been back. She seems depressed to me and when I try to discuss this with her and her maybe speaking to someone she says “what’s the point”.
We had a chat a few days ago whereby she opened up more and told me that thought I was maybe in denial about the [dementia] road she is on. She said that I have very little patience for her and she worries if I’m like this now what will I be like when things get worse.
Now firstly I would say that a) she hasn’t had a diagnosis of Dementia so she surely needs to stop using this language and convincing herself she has it; b) go and see a doctor to see whether she does have it (but she’s too scared to do this); d) she is a very negative person and this is what I struggle with. She complains about A LOT. Much of the time!
I told her I’m not in denial at all and accept that it could be a reality but that unless she’s going to do something about it and see a doctor, then she MUST do things to help herself. I told her how I have struggled to know how to handle her negativity as it has an impact on me and my family. She wonders why my daughter (8) is not as close to her as she used to be but to me it’s obvious - my daughter has seen/felt the change in mum these past few years and she probably doesn’t know how to handle her either.
Mum also told me that last week she came downstairs with a basketful of dirty washing, bent down to the washing machine, put the clothes in the machine and then just stared at the machine not knowing how to operate it. She said that it scared her, which of course it would do. She managed to find the manual and figure it out and has now put a note on the machine so that should that happen again, she’ll know what to do.
She also said that occasionally (approximately a few times a month), she has this ‘sensation’ which she finds incredibly hard to verbalise, but she says it’s like she’s not really there, like she’s looking at herself (?!?!). It’s a sensation she says which feels horrible and frightening for her. It doesn’t last long and has only ever happened when she’s been at home. Is anyone able to say whether things like this are ‘common’ for dementia?
I would really appreciate some advice from people who are in the same boat as me in terms of how I can best support mum.
Mum and I have always been close. For many years it was just her and I. I do have an older brother who I’m very close to and who also does help where he can, but he lives up North and therefore the ‘burden’ falls much more on me.
Mum and I are not as close as we were. We are both to blame for this. I know I need to be more patient. I want to believe that if she was diagnosed with dementia then I would have more patience but I get hugely frustrated with her as I have to listen to her using such bad, negative language on herself, saying things like “oh you know what my memory’s like” and “because I have such a bad memory…..”. She knows how powerful the mind is and what we talk about regularly, we bring about.
Sorry for the long post, I could go on with so much more too! Any advice would be greatly received and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
My mum (72) has not been diagnosed with dementia but she's convinced herself she has it. I can’t deny that it does seem to be heading that way but I also wonder how much of it has been her telling herself over the years that she’s going to get it/has it. Bit like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Her mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer but much later on in life and mum has convinced herself that because her mum had it and because she has problems with her memory, she therefore must have it too. It is and has been for many years her biggest fear, as she watched her mum go through it and it is, as we all know, one of the most evil diseases.
Mum has lived alone for many years so is used to (and content with) her own company. But, like so many others during that first lockdown, having all that time alone had a detrimental impact on her. When the support bubble was introduced it of course made things so much better for her as she was able to join my bubble (along with my husband and our daughter).
In May of this year she also developed some severe neck pains which she’s been under investigations for and which is still (very frustratingly) ongoing. She’s not in pain every day but it has affected her a lot and has, she says, put her life on hold.
Since the lockdown and her neck pain she has (I hate to use this word) ‘deteriorated’ I feel a lot. She used to belong to a choir pre-Covid which was a huge part of her life. Since choirs have opened up their doors again she hasn’t been back. She seems depressed to me and when I try to discuss this with her and her maybe speaking to someone she says “what’s the point”.
We had a chat a few days ago whereby she opened up more and told me that thought I was maybe in denial about the [dementia] road she is on. She said that I have very little patience for her and she worries if I’m like this now what will I be like when things get worse.
Now firstly I would say that a) she hasn’t had a diagnosis of Dementia so she surely needs to stop using this language and convincing herself she has it; b) go and see a doctor to see whether she does have it (but she’s too scared to do this); d) she is a very negative person and this is what I struggle with. She complains about A LOT. Much of the time!
I told her I’m not in denial at all and accept that it could be a reality but that unless she’s going to do something about it and see a doctor, then she MUST do things to help herself. I told her how I have struggled to know how to handle her negativity as it has an impact on me and my family. She wonders why my daughter (8) is not as close to her as she used to be but to me it’s obvious - my daughter has seen/felt the change in mum these past few years and she probably doesn’t know how to handle her either.
Mum also told me that last week she came downstairs with a basketful of dirty washing, bent down to the washing machine, put the clothes in the machine and then just stared at the machine not knowing how to operate it. She said that it scared her, which of course it would do. She managed to find the manual and figure it out and has now put a note on the machine so that should that happen again, she’ll know what to do.
She also said that occasionally (approximately a few times a month), she has this ‘sensation’ which she finds incredibly hard to verbalise, but she says it’s like she’s not really there, like she’s looking at herself (?!?!). It’s a sensation she says which feels horrible and frightening for her. It doesn’t last long and has only ever happened when she’s been at home. Is anyone able to say whether things like this are ‘common’ for dementia?
I would really appreciate some advice from people who are in the same boat as me in terms of how I can best support mum.
Mum and I have always been close. For many years it was just her and I. I do have an older brother who I’m very close to and who also does help where he can, but he lives up North and therefore the ‘burden’ falls much more on me.
Mum and I are not as close as we were. We are both to blame for this. I know I need to be more patient. I want to believe that if she was diagnosed with dementia then I would have more patience but I get hugely frustrated with her as I have to listen to her using such bad, negative language on herself, saying things like “oh you know what my memory’s like” and “because I have such a bad memory…..”. She knows how powerful the mind is and what we talk about regularly, we bring about.
Sorry for the long post, I could go on with so much more too! Any advice would be greatly received and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.