1. Bevpet

    Bevpet Registered User

    Sep 14, 2013
    Perth Western Australia
    My mother passed away on the 15th of September. She was in a hospital that refused to believe she had dementia. Said she passed the very basic test. And ignored any symptoms she had and appeared to be so against me. She kept saying she wanted to die, and they believed she was totally capable of giving or denying consent to any procedures. I was told on the previous Friday, that she would be dead on the Monday. And their behaviour towards her on the Saturday, and Sunday was cruel. I was so upset on the sunday, I found the doctor, and said I was taking my mother home. Doctor said I could not because she was on oxygen and on morphine.

    The nurse took mum to the toilet and would not help her. I sat outside crying, and did not help my mother either. And I don't know why. When the nurse put her back into bed, mum was agitated and said to me she wanted to use her bowels. And I payed no heed, once again I don't know why. So the nurse said, oh I can see she is in pain, I will give her some morphine, she is written up for 8mg.

    Not long after this my mothers meal was bought in, so I tried to feed her, I put the food in her mouth, she appeared to eat, then the food dribbled out of her mouth. She was starering at the wall. So I went looking for a nurse, could not find her nurse.

    I saw another nurse and said what was happening with the food, the nurse said, she would look in on my mother. I went home and was in complete denial of what the doctor said about her dying by Monday. Because when I left her, I made up my mind to be with her at every meal to help her eat. But mid morning on the Monday she passed away.

    I have attended to all I needed to do and now I am in the grief and I am so sad at how she died.
    And so hurt by how she was treated. I am glad I was able to take care of her for the most part, but how she was treated in hospital appals me. i did not think I would need to come back to the group after mother died. But a link was sent to my computer and I read the share on what THEY. Don't tell us. I could so relate and was grateful for the member who sent this share in. Thank you Beverley. Perth. Western. Australia
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Sorry for your loss- its very hard.

    Was there something you feel she should or could have been treated for if the Drs had listened to you rather than your Mum?
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Beverley, our biggest regrets are often on the death of a loved parent. If only we had known more, done more, said more. You were with your Mum in her last days and she knew you and would feel your concern. When you feel calmer perhaps you could write a letter to the hospital explaining how badly you feel she was handled so that staff could learn from that. As far as the memory tests go I have lost all confidence in them as my husband is getting higher scores as his memory and confusiion goes into free Fall!
  4. halojones

    halojones Registered User

    May 7, 2014
    Hi Beverly, I am so sorry at the loss of your mum, and the terrible sadness you are now feeling..It seems we can't win, we have all the emotions of guilt, worry, fear etc when our folks are with us and its just as awful when they pass...Its not your fault the hospital let your mum down, you were there and did all you could in the circumstances..Its really hard to stand up to the medical profession, so please don't feel that you did not do enough, you so clearly did.Your mum would have known you were there for her and loved her...I hope you find some peace in yourself in the future..Take Care x
  5. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Sorry for your loss Bevpet, your mother is now at peace. Sadly, it is not just those with dementia who can suffer from treatment in hospital which is not as caring as we would want. It may help you to write down your concerns as marionq suggested.

    You can do no more for your mother, please try to think of happier times you shared and be comforted that you were able to visit her and show that you loved her and were with her for her last days. I am sure she would not want your grief made worse by unfounded guilt that you could or should have done more.

    Take care
  6. drummergirl

    drummergirl Registered User

    Jul 4, 2012
    Hi Beverley

    I'm very sorry about what happened to your mother. You sound so sad, understandably, but please don't blame yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but try to take some comfort from the knowledge that she is at peace now. Be kind to yourself.

    drummergirl xxx

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