Hi Trisha
I understand all you say.
It is a long journey we take when we decide we want to help our relative who has dementia - the route some people take of dropping them like the plague is much easier.
We need to be realistic though. Once dementia sets in, things will never be the same again, and things will certainly not get better - that is, they WILL get worse.
They will get worse for us, of course, in observing and interacting with them. The first stage of being able to relate to them is to realise that, no matter how bad things seem to US -
they are the ones who have to live with the problem all of the time, not knowing what is happening to their world.
We have to get to know them all over again, to understand their fears, to understand their anger, to try and see the world from their perspective.
Once we can put ourselves in their shoes, then the bursts of anger, the sundowning, the tears and fears, the clinging to weird objects such as toilet paper....all these things fall into place as almost rational - for them.
If your Mum thinks of you as her friend, wow, that is great! Just think - she is in a world that looks completely mad to her, yet she can see you are on her side. Daughter, son, wife, husband, father, mother.... what does all that matter now, except to us?
I'd suggest that - if you find it possible - you try to establish a new relationship with her. Of course, she is still your mother, but be whatever she needs you to be. Even if she just needs someone to shout at, you are being a help to her in that. Not nice for you, but you will learn to overcome your feelings about that...a bit.
Personal visits are best as it becomes difficult for them to put a face to a voice on the phone, and use of everyday objects like phones can be problematic.
I remember once at Jan's care home, I rang in and the phone was answered by a resident, who said "there's no-one here". I said "please can you pass the phone to someone else?" and she hung up on me. I as worried about Jan at the time and fumed at the other end of the phone - I knew there were staff there because I could hear them some distance from the phone.
To get through, I had to enter her world. I called again, and again she picked up the phone. I spoke before she could, and said urgently and firmly "this is the doctor. I must speak to the nurse right away!" She immediately handed the phone to the nearest member of staff.
She is still at the home, only further advanced in her condition now. I pass her when I visit Jan each time and she always says "Hello doctor, I'm so glad you came. I love you" Weird, but if that is what she wants me to be, and if it helps me to play along, then why not? Actually, I don't think her calling me doctor is anything to do with our phone call, it is just that I'm aged and grey looking, whereas the care staff are younger generally.