My mother so upset after visiting husband in care home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by proverbswoman1, Nov 19, 2019.

  1. proverbswoman1

    proverbswoman1 New member

    Nov 19, 2019
    3
    Dad went into care 3 weeks ago. He was unsafe at home. My mother was elderly carer and only in the last 2 months agreed to carers twice a day. Now he is gone (with his chair - big space in the room) she is in an even worse state, overcome by grief. Visiting is so hard because Dad’s conversation usually centres around wanting to go home. Even when I remind her that when he was at home he wanted to go home, she still wants to ‘fix’ the situation. She has very poor mobility. It costs her a lot of energy to get there and then the whole experience is devastating. My sister and I accompany her (though holding back actually in the home) because she needs support there! The staff are wonderful. Any advice / shared experience on this would be appreciated. Currently I feel like saying just go once or twice a week. She’s in pieces. It’s heartbreaking for us all.
     
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,548
    Female
    England
    It’s very hard but it does get better. 3 weeks is a very short time for either your Mum or your Dad to settle to the new way of life. I visited my husband daily, I wanted something in all of this to be as it had always been. We had been married for 45 years when he went into nursing care. Although he did not know me as his wife I was familiar and he was comfortable with me. I didn’t want him surrounded by strangers.

    Slowly the strangers disappeared and in their place became new members of our family. I became a wife again, sitting chatting, making a drink and supplying the cakes and biscuits. Not that they needed cakes and biscuits, the nursing home looked aft their sweet tooth. So my husband settled and then I was happy to miss a day now and again knowing he was part of his floor of 9 men.

    I hope your Dad will soon settle into his new surroundings and your Mum will feel much better about accepting the care he needs. She will still be caring, just in a different way.,
     
  3. proverbswoman1

    proverbswoman1 New member

    Nov 19, 2019
    3
     
  4. proverbswoman1

    proverbswoman1 New member

    Nov 19, 2019
    3
    Thank you so much for your reply. It’s meant a great deal to us.
     

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