My mother passed away

[Heaven]

Three days before my birthday my mother passed away.
After 7 years suffering she finally rested.
(sorry about my English - it is not my native language, besides, it is very difficult to talk about it.)
I have been silent for such a long time. Avoinding to talk about it.
Trying to be strong. At the end I have realized that I am really strong. Much much more than I ever had imagined. I faced the disease of my mother in a very brave away - now I know.
I really do not know how I could survive and go through it.
Its like to be in the ocean, with waves each time bigger and bigger. You think you will not be able to swim but you can.
At the beginning I felt very angry. How could my mother be ill and more.. in this way...forgetting things and being unable to do day by day things. How could she does this to me. I also learned that there are places where you have to go by yourself, there are challenges you have to face alone.
I am very confuse. Tired. Again the same image of the sea...the feeling is that I have swimmed a lot against all the waves.
Sometimes I just want to scream..to call her...but she has gone.
The funny think is at the time she was here, I prayed to God...please take her.
Sorry for all these confuse ideas and words. I should say good things to help people feeling better. But now I just need to say how difficult was ...
Heaven

 

[alison]

So sad to read your message. I can understand how you must have mixed feelings. My mum is 77 and is cared for by my dad. I am an only child and the burden is on me. I sometimes have the same thoughts as you had and can quite understand why you did. I notice the deterioration more than he does. He finds it very hard to face the fact she is not, and never will be she was. I don't live with her, but when I do spend time with her, I get frustrated and angry with her and as you said, resentful and almost blaming her for how she is becoming. She was always smart, proud and active, but she is a shadow of her former self. I think to myself, why don't you put make up on anymore, do the cooking and why aren't you like you used to be.

I ramble too and I really don't know what to say to you. I know I will have to face the same as you one day. She injured her ear and I spent the evening of my only daughter's 16th birthday in A and E with her. I tried not to resent that, but I did.

My thoughts are with you and I am so sorry you feel as you do, but I am sure I shall feel the same way one day and you will eventually take comfort in the memories you had of her and that she is no longer sufferering.