My mother is so depressed.

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by SandieM, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. SandieM

    SandieM Registered User

    Jan 13, 2013
    My mother is so depressed. She is constantly saying she wants to die. I try all sorts of little things to attempt to bring some joy into her life when I visit the nursing home.
    She has no quality of life now she is totally dependent.
    I feel powerless to make things better for her. The nursing home is the best I could find but has many shortcomings. Endless problems. I am tired of it all. How I wish she could be cared for by people who love her.
  2. Jenn

    Jenn Registered User

    Feb 24, 2009
    I'm really sorry your Mum is so miserable, its awful seeing someone you love like that. Was she by nature a depressed person, or is this new for her? I've heard dementia can affect people's brains in different ways, and trigger depression for some - and it may have a physical source for her. I suppose the thing is to talk it over with the care home manager, tell them how worried you are.
    They might suggest anti-depressants and a mild one doesn't seem to affect cognitive ability (or at least it didn't with my Mum).
    I suppose the other option are you able to take your Mum out - even a push down the road in the wheelchair, feel the fresh air helps, sit outside in the sunshine. And have you tried playing her favourite types of music, care homes do play some awful dirge that they think old folk like.
    Or at a pinch, could you transfer care homes? Would that be an option?
    The thing is ultimately you can only do your best and you can't blame yourself for your Mum's unhappiness, it's a horrible disease but not your fault.
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hi Sandie :)

    I'm sorry to hear that your mum is so unhappy. I think this is very difficult to cope with, not least because depression seems like an emotionally 'right' response to the position our loved ones are in. Only you will know whether the NH problems can be sorted, in short whether it is good enough. Moving your mum might be an option, but it would of course bring its own problems.

    Like you, I try to bring some joy into mum's essentially problematic life. It can be small things, eg
    - a new pot plant
    - leafing through a magazine and picking out pictures of children (the royals are ideal for this purpose, being young, attractive and in the news,,,)
    - listening to music (Alfie Boe is her current favourite)
    - telling her about things I've done such as a trip to London
    - reminiscing / telling her things I remember about her and us years ago
    - taking in an ice lolly ( gets fluid into her too)
    - reading poetry out loud ( which is a new interest)

    Okay, I'm a bit stumped now.....I have even been known to do a little dance to make her laugh!!!

    I really sympathise with you :)

    All the best

    Lindy xx
  4. Pebs

    Pebs Registered User

    Mar 22, 2015
    Hi Sandie

    It is exactly the same for me with my Dad. He is refusing to come out of his room, he resists any help from the carers, including personal care - mum and I feel hopeless and just don't know where to turn. He wants to come home but struggles to even stand up - we have no choice but the care home but it feels so cruel when we leave. I wish so much there was an alternative too. His antidepressants have been increased, and strangely he seems to have more insight and memory which makes it a whole lot worse because he won't be distracted.

    I really wish you the best getting through it xx
  5. Strawberries

    Strawberries Registered User

    Sep 5, 2014

    Same here! My mother hates being 'in prison', as she describes her care home. Says she hates the other residents, food is awful, nothing to entertain her. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants, but they made no difference. She keeps saying she doesn't want to live any more. I have tried all kinds of things to interest her, and just occasionally they work for around a minute, and then it's back to square one. I think she spends a lot of her time crying.

    Oh, and we're paying a lot of money for her to be in a care home that's just been rated 'inadequate' by CQC. But if I move her, I won't be able to visit as often as I rely on public transport. And anyway, I suspect she's mostly unhappy because she knows she has dementia and can see the downwards trajectory of the other residents.

    I wish I had some answers!
  6. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    mum just wants to die too, mainly because she misses dad, her only company is the TV as she refused a home placing I offered her last year.

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