My mother is moving into care home on Monday

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Sazzle, Apr 28, 2007.

  1. Sazzle

    Sazzle Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    5
    Derbyshire
    We have finaly arrived at the inevitable time for our mother to be cared for in a home.For a few years now she has been slowly changing. She has been living with my sister nearby, who has done a good job but now mums condition needs profesional input. Thats the short story!!!! Our mum was a very clever and artistic lady, creativity and her family was the main stay of her life. She has 5 children, 3 girls and 2 boys. We all work full time and have young families, so mum also has 9 grand children. Many of her former interests & skills sometimes shine through the mask of our mum.
    She moves into the home on Monday afternoon, we are all very anxious about it, well that is an understatement actually. Today I spoke to my sisters to make arangements both in tears about the whole thing. Mum can not retain any of the information we have given her about the move so every time it is brought up it is news to her. We have given up now as it distresses her too much. The home is very good and if they keep her busy we think she should settle. BUT if she does'nt then we don't know what to do. I don't really have a question as such just trying to reach out to others who have been in the same position as we are now. We have gathered up some of her favorite things, photos, bits of furniture, her special blanket ect to take to the home tomorrow, so that her room looks familiar. We have made up a memory book with pictures of her life. As i write this i have tears in my eyes. It's such an emotional time.
    I want to write more but i could go on for ever. So that is my introduction for now, thankyou for reading this any advice and support would be greatly recieved.
    I have recently had a serious operation on my knee and i came across a support forum for that, it has helped me a lot so I thought i'd see if there was one for Alzheimer's and here i am! sazzle
     
  2. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    Good Luck

    all I really want to say is dont blame yourselves. I was in a similar situation recently and it didnt go well, to say more would depress you furthur.
    The thing is if it doesnt go well, there really isnt anything TO do next. I sincerely hope your mum settles. Im sure the home she is going into will do all they can, and certainnly my mums home has a good activities co ordiantor and lots going on for those willing to participate.
    Good luck and keep us posted, finger crossed!!
     
  3. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    #3 noelphobic, Apr 28, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2007
    Hi Sazzle

    Welcome to TP. My mum has been in residential care since November 2004 when my dad died suddenly. She was in an EMI home for a year but sadly broke her hip after a fall. She spent several weeks in hospital but didn't regain sufficient mobility to be able to return to the EMI home. We therefore had to find a nursing home place for her. She has been in the nursing home since January last year.

    I know that this must be a very stressful and worrying time for you and your siblings. You obviously care a great deal about your mum and have done as much as you can to make the transition as easy as possible for her. Has she ever been in respite care, or is this her first experience of residential care? No one can predict how your mum will react to the move, all you can do is wait and see, hope for the best but be prepared in case there are problems. You may well find that she is much happier and more settled on some days than on others. It wouldn't be surprising if she asked to go home every time you or anyone else visited. Ths is very common and can be very distressing - it was something that my mum used to do frequently.! :( However this may not happen at all and your mum may settle in very well and very quickly.

    What I can say with certainty is that you will definitely be helped by joining this forum. Our members have a wealth of experience and you will always be able to find an understanding 'virtual' ear and shoulder to cry on, should you need it.

    I am sure you will hear from lots of other people soon. In the meantime if you have any questions ask away.

    Take care
     
  4. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Just thinking about you at this difficult time. I hope all goes well on Monday.
    Let me know how you get on - I am in the same county and may want care home recommendations at some time in the future. (Its my husband who is suffering so I do not really want to give up yet).

    Take care Beckyjan
     
  5. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    just a gentle reminder that any care home recommendations would need to be done by private message, in accordance with TP rules. :)
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    My mother still at home with me , so thank you for sharing as I can only imagine how heartbreaking it can be for you as a family , when you know its all for the best , wishing you all the best for Monday sound like good advice from Natashalou

    When she says
     
  7. Sazzle

    Sazzle Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    5
    Derbyshire
    Thankyou so much for your replys, so quickly too!! We have just been out to get some flowers for mum's room, she loves flowers, they always make her smile and she's usually got some in her sitting room at home. Another thing she loves is chocolate so we bought her a box to put by her bed. She hides them away so no one can get any! We shall take them tomorrow, the home have said that we can take mum's things a day early so that it's all ready for her when she gets there on Monday afternoon. My sister is taking her before lunch and is staying for a while, then when mum goes in for her lunch she is going to leave. I wish me and my other sister could be there aswell but are advised that the least fuss the better it will be for mum. I just hope that my sister will be ok with doing that on her own. Then she is coming up to my house, only up the road from the home. I want to check that she's ok (my sister) before she drives home. And hear about how mum was with it all. I'm going for a hot soak now and no doubt a good cry.
    Beckyjan, I see that you are also in Derbyshire, the home that mum is going into is rated at the top of our areas table, fingers crossed it lives up to it's name. Plenty of very cheary staff around. Thanks again, i will post to tell you how we get on.:eek:
     
  8. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Hi Sazzle
    Good luck with Monday. I'm sure we'll all be thinking of you. Went through this with dad and it was so hard and I felt so guilty, even though I knew we could not cope any more. The advice to keep things calm and unfussed is really good, as is to leave as mum goes into lunch. In fact we often timed our visits to end at a meal time as this gave a natural reason for parting, with the carers taking over, leading dad into the dining room and telling him about the meal. That worked well for us, but of course you find the best way to manage the visits with experience. We tried to visit frequently, for short times, rather than fewer long visits as dad couldn't concentrate for long. You have done all the right things, making your mum's room familiar for her. Many people settle remarkably quickly, so don't assume the worst. I found the easiest / kindest way to deal with dad asking to go home was to say that the doctor wanted him to stay there a while to improve his medication. I never actually told him it was for ever - too cowardly I suppose, but also it seemed cruel, when dad could not remember or understand very much at all. Gradually he seemed to just accept being there. You are doing your best for your mum as she is now but it hurts, I know. I tried to always be cheerful when visiting dad - he seemed to take his mood from me - but had many tears when I got home.
    Blue sea
     
  9. susiewoo

    susiewoo Registered User

    Oct 28, 2006
    82
    Bromley Kent
    My Mum has been in residential care for 3 months now and she has settled noticably in the past two weeks. The main thing that comes thru for me is the care given by the staff. There have been things that have upset me but really they have not affected my Mum. I think I have had to adjust more than she has had to in many ways. This week one of the staff came and sat with me and told me how Mum had been upset the day before.They finally realised that she wanted to make a cup of tea. The staff took her into the kitchen and under supervision Mum made herself a cup of tea. How easy it would have been for them to turn her away and bring her some tea but how much better to allow her to have some control and dignity. I feel my Mum is being absorbed into a larger 'family' and am so thankful that we have somehow been lucky to find this gem of a place for her.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Thanks Susie, it`s so comforting to read posts like yours.
     
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Sazzle,
    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope the move goes smoothly for your Mum. It might take a while before she truly settles (a bit like it takes some kids a while to settle into school) but I'm sure all your caring preparations will go a long way to helping her feel as if the new place is "her's".

    My Mum and Dad moved into care nearly 2 years ago and they settled quite well. Dad passed away last year but Mum (who has AD) is still there and quite settled and comfortable.

    If you ask her what she doesn't like, her complaints are quite trivial (altho' I don't say that to her!;) ). For example, she says the side plates aren't big enough - they should have larger ones as her knife falls off. (I think her increasing clumsiness with the disease is the real problem, but obviously I don't say so.) Also she says "We don't have real chips with our fish'n'chips - only those awful oven bake ones". I think the real problem is they don't use any oil or fat so the "chips" are rather dry wedges!!

    I hope for you and your family that your Mum settles easily. But do remember that you have done everything you can for her and this next step cannot be put off any longer. (I realise being logical doesn't really help how you feel though!)

    Thinking of you all. Nell
     
  12. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Sazzle

    Mum moved to the NH last September, it was probably the worst day of my life, BUT it was the best thing we have ever done. We had gone on for months and months lurching from crisis to crisis, with mum going down hill rapidly. In retrospect mum should have moved sooner, but we thought we were doing the right thing struggling on to keep mum in her own home.

    Seven months down the road and mum looks fabulous. It has taken time, but with the tender loving care of the nursing staff, a regular good diet, and most of all stimulation and 24 hour company, what a change. I cannot describe to you the difference. She settled fairly quickly, she wanted to ‘go home’ for a considerable amount of time, but we got through that one (she doesn’t remember where home was). Now the time I spend with her is not fraught with practicalities, its quality time, and most of all she is safe.

    Deep breath Sazzle, it isn’t going to be easy, you have made the decision which is a huge step, just one more to go, then you can start to enjoy your visits with mum knowing that she is safe too. Trust the staff, they know what they are doing, be guided by them how to cope with those first few initial weeks. They advised me to stay away for a while, my goodness I felt dreadful, but I could see the sense in it, mum didn’t spend her first few weeks watching the door waiting for me, she settled in with the other residents and staff. However, it may well be different for you.

    Good luck for tomorrow.

    Cate
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    It is so comforting to read positive experiences of residential care, both for those on the threshold, and for those who know it will come eventually. Thank you.

    I hope all goes well tomorrow, Sazzle.
     
  14. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Sazzle

    It's an awful situation to be in for you and the rest of your family, everyone on this forum is here to help with advise support and their own experienves, which gives us comfort in our most darkest of times.

    Could I just ask you, how old is your mum and how long has she lived with your sister?

    The reason I ask, is because I have 5 sisters and my mum lives with us ( our choice) she is 82 and happy to be here.

    Life can be very frustrating for me and my family, but I hope, like your sister, that I can keep her with us till it becomes too much.

    Hope the move goes well for you all

    Keep us posted, please.

    Take care, Bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Just want to wish you all the best for tomorrow, Sazzle. Hope all goes well.

    Love,
     
  16. Sazzle

    Sazzle Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    5
    Derbyshire
    Up date on sazzle's mum's, first day in the home.

    Well, my sister took mum into the home yesturday and so far so good!!!!:) Mum was a but stressed to start with but My sister say's that the 'life book' that mum has been working on at day care saved mum from getting too upset. We call it 'reboot'!!!!! We have found that music does the same trick! Especially Church or classical or the odd bit of Elvis Presley!! This 'trick seems to have a calming effect on her and redirects her wobbely moments. The manager and my sister spent some time looking in the book and mum was only to plesed to tell her all about the pictures.
    Any way, My sister took her up to her room where she found the thing we had put there for her the day before. She seemed to be particularly pleased that there were bannanas in the fruit bowl!! Mum unpact her clothes and put them into the draws ect. She made comment on the lovely trees out side her bedroom window but said that she was all alone up there. She soon cheared up once they were down stairs again out in the rose garden where mum found a man with a dog!! Ofcourse she made a bee line for the dog, mum loves animals, we grew up with dogs and cats. The home has said that i can take my dog to visit her and that all the residence realy enjoy it if a dog comes to visit.
    When it was time for lunch mum went into the dinning room, they had hand picked 3 lovely friendly ladies for mum to sit with, who made a fuss of mum on que:) So it was time for my sister to leave, she gave mum a kiss and went.
    She came up to mine for lunch to tell me how it went, we feel much more optomistic than we thought we would. We have rung the home a couple of times and they are very pleased with her. They say that she slept well and was tucking into her breakfast:) I can't help thinking that it's too good to be true. I hope that the marvalous begining continues. Thanks you guys for all your support and kind words I told my sister all about what you had said, so you might here frim her too!!! Keep you posted sazzle
     
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Congratulations, Sazzle. All your preparations seem to have worked.

    I'm so glad your mum has settled so well, it will be a great load off your mind. Let's hope she continues to be happy.

    Love,
     
  18. Juditutie

    Juditutie Registered User

    #18 Juditutie, May 1, 2007
    Last edited: May 1, 2007
    mom moving

    I found my mom wanted dad and me to stay with her because she was a bit lost at first. we found each of us visiting at different times, one in morning and one in evening, helped her move become less stressful. My mom wanted to come home, and we kept telling her that you will get better, and to take this time to feel better, and medicine adjustment. we didn't tell her anything upsetting or negative. Later as things prgressed, we came at meal times, to help with feeding her.I found taking her make -up and applying it for her and showing her in the mirror helped her feel better about other's visiting her. Juditutie
     
  19. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I am so glad

    it went well for you!! and now i have a picture of a dog marching up the path on his hind legs carrying a bunch of bananas to visit!!:)
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Well done Sazzle, your worst fears did not materialise. You have overcome such an enormous hurdle, and it shows the time was right.
     

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