My mother is a lazy liar x10!

[speedy17]

My mother had a small stroke 2 years ago while she was staying with us. She has recovered very well but pretends she cant do anything!. We built her an annexe at our home and she moved in after she was discharged from stroke rehabilitation. She pretends she can hardly walk when anyone is watching but she is reasonably mobile when she thinks none can see her. She hasn't even made herself a cup of tea since moving in - even though sh has a small kitchen area. And it's the lies!!! She would always choose to lie even if the truth is better!
Everyone thinks she is charming when they meet her but anyone who gets to know her realises she is only interested in her self. If you say you have a cold she will cough and sneeze, if you say you have a headache, she has a migraine.
She was always selfish and economical with the truth but vascular dimentia has exaggerated this tenfold!
Anyone got any coping strategies?

 

[Aloysius]

Hi, speedy. My mum has had vascular dementia for about seven years now and is in the last stages in a local nursing home. She'd always been a fastidious person, really clean, always doing housework. When 'the enemy' first struck, I thought she'd become lazy- and told her so- as she basically stopped cleaning, tidying and cooking. It became so bad that she'd use every single bit of crockery for the food and drink she did get ready and she never washed up a thing. A round trip of six hours was needed frequently to sort her flat out. The thing is, vascular dementia affects executive function, meaning the sufferer just can't remember how to do simple tasks: the order etc. Even making tea or coffee. My mums memory wasn't so badly affected at first so the neglect and apparent idleness didn't make much sense. I suspect your mum is similarly affected. I would say find out as much as you can about your mum's condition and try not to take her behaviour personally. Hard I know! Do you do all the caring yourself? No support package? Dementia will mean that your mum is not really responsible anymore for lies, deceit etc. It goes with the illness. Try distraction whenever possible and maybe ask her to help you prepare a drink/snack. My mum could still assist a bit even when she'd lost the impetus!

 

[Shedrech]

hello @speedy17
a warm welcome to DTP

it is really challenging coming to terms with how vascular dementia can affect the behaviour of the person ... many find that pre-existing personality traits are magnified, and this may be what is happening with your mother

some also see 'cunning' behaviour, which in ways I understand as almost instinctive survival techniques, and apparently manipulative behaviour, to get what the person wants, alongside a lack of empathy for anyone else, putting themselves first and not seeing anything from anyone else's point of view

all of this can be the result of the damage to areas of the brain caused by the dementia

a friend of mine actually saw the scan of her mum's brain and therefore saw for herself the extent of the damage ... she said this really helped her, as she began to understand that her mum had 'brain damage', a real physical change in her brain, as much as if she'd been in eg a car accident .... so when her mum behaved in challenging ways, she remembered that parts of her brain didn't work, just as a badly broken leg wouldn't work and might not ever recover

you may find this thread helpful ... it helped me begin to grasp how things were for my dad and how I might try responding to him ... of course nothing works all the time, and we're not saints so sometimes the suggestions are too much to ask ... but they did change some ways I approached dad and he reacted better to situations (sometimes)

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

it might also help to read some of these pages on the main AS site about vascular dementia

Search | Alzheimer's Society

www.alzheimers.org.uk

even the ability of someone to appear their 'old' selves to others has a name here, 'hostess mode' .... the person is able to put all theiir energy into seeming fine, for a while, but after is exhausted mentally and reverts back to how they are day-to-day ... this can be really difficult when family who don't visit often, and even medics, see only the 'hostess' and not the person the other 23 hours of the day

keep posting, there's lots of support and useful suggestions here