my mother has mixed dimensia im depressed and need help

[sandysan]

hi
can anyone help please , my mother has been diagnosed with mixed dimensia . I try and do everything and anything for her I pit her first before my own family . it is wearing me out and I am becoming depressed over it and starting to feel guilty as mom has allways had health issues and pain .
she says nasty things to me that its all my fault and shes dying through me , and ive made her ill ect . she has started to swear a lot and some foul language . she spoke to my husband and told him where to go and more . I haven't spoke to her for a day so I phoned her today and her attitude was bad .she slams phone down on me . I cant do no more for her I phone her 3 times a day see her nearly everyday , im frightened to phone her , I just cant cope no more with it and I don't want her in a home she only has the start of dimensia she has thought shes seen things and she is starting to forget some things , I am feeling very guilty as she has drummed into me its all my fault and when she dies im going to blame myself this is why im trying to do my best for her . Im having problems now with worrying about when she dies its my fault.

im dreading that day , and it is so hurtful and sad it causes arguments between us at the moment we are not on speaking terms really I just phone to see if she is ok but I get a bad reply
what do I do please help

thankyou

 

[overwhelmed1]

Hi honey,

I'm really sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time.

How long has your mum been diagnosed? Have you spoke to your doctor about the problems you're having? Do you have any family who could help you? xx You're not alone on here

 

[lin1]

Hello Sandysan

No matter what your mums says none of this is your fault!!
Mum is ill and seems to need someone to blame.

If this started suddenly, it may be an infection such as a UTI ( urinary tract infection)
a urine sample will be need to be tested.

I would also contact the Doctor/clinic mum is under for Dementia ASAP about the abuse mum is giving you. It may be that mum needs an assessment.

I found that when my mum was abusive or aggressive it was often best for me to leave her for a while, sometimes just for 5/10 mins was enough, if mum was still the same it could take much longer

I suggest you don't phone mum quite so often during the day and as soon as mum gets abusive put the phone down.
hard I know but you must protect yourself.

now I am going to say something that will sound controversial to you.
You say you always put your mum first, well IMO you shouldn't.
yes I know mum is ill and needs looking after but
If you break down become ill ...
so try and put yourself first or at least ahead of mum.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, I really don't mean to be
XXX

 

[marionq]

I agree with lin1. If she is using you as a punchbag and hate figure then step back until she needs you as a loving daughter. That will come eventually but if you take all this abuse you will not be worth a button. A crisis may well occur which will mean a care home in the fullness of time but if you don't care for yourself and your immediate family there will be more than your mother in trouble.

 

[sandysan]

thankyou

thanks for your replies im just so upset , my mother has just phoned me to say what she says all the time she is frightend on her own , so I said well maybe if you want you can give up your home ,, I don't know what to say ,,, and then she started she said thankyou very much being sarcastic and she lent my husband some money ,,, and she said and I want all my money back I lent your husband , its really getting to me now .

she is being so evil im not well myself with gallstones in my throat in pain ,, but she don't care about that , she has always been selfish and don't care about anyone elses needs

 

[Rathbone]

You must get some help with all this Sandysan. You sound at your wits ends and nobody will be surprised by that. This illness challenges every fibre of patience and tolerance we have; you are no exception. What it doesn't do is turn us into Saints. We do the very best we can and just as the others have said, none of this is your fault. Your Mum is ill and does not know what she is saying and how much she is hurting you. So many of us on TP know this only too well. Do not let your GP fob you off; you may need to push hard to get the help you need for your Mum. Please do not delay so that you become the one who needs the help; your quality of life matters too. Please keep in touch here, we are here to support each other. X Shelagh

 

[lin1]

Hi again
So mum says she is frightened on her own.
I am wondering if this is the cause of her , , putting it mildly unpleasantness.
Maybe she would be happier if she was with other people and I don't mean you !

Their are options available other than residential or nursing homes
Whether they would think mum is suitable or be suitable for mum long term is another matter
Sheltered housing
Extra care sheltered housing.

Their are some wonderful residential and nursing homes out there, it's just that we tend only to hear about the bad ones.

Sorry I seem to be speaking about things you probably don't want to hear, it's because I think , if you have not reached the end of your tether then you are really close to it, we call it carers breakdown. You also have your own health problems .

Would you consider respite care for mum

 

[longun1966]

dear sandysan

hi sandy ,

my mum has all the same symptoms as your mum , my older sister recently became her verbal punchbag , was called the most disgusting things a daughter could be called , mum also verbally abused her adult grandchildren and wives of grandchildren , wouldn't eat food unless cooked by a specific member of the family , wouldn't take liquids , has become very untrusting , breaks out into tears / laughter , talks to imaginary voices who seem to control her every action .
mum lives with my sister who up to now has just about coped , its been about 18 months since the first major personality change .my sister has kept mum off meds , mum fell down stairs a couple of months ago and her aggression has multiplied to the extent of lashing out . mum seems to have a bad attitude towards all females , all apart from one of her adult female grandchild and me ( her son ) , but I can only visit occasionally .
so if your mum is in the first/early stages of dementia and you are already finding things hard then you should consider some sort of care because I am sorry but your mums illness will get worse .
its a terrible heart wrenching sad illness , when you see your loved one falling deeper and deeper out of your reach .
chris