My mother has dementia, father will not accept this

[Carolynlott]

Dear Onlychild,
Good luck - hope you manage to get the letter to the GP asap. When I did the same I asked the GP not to let my Dad know I had written.

It seems so long ago but I remember Dad was very resistant to and suspicious of anyone doing anything behind his back. Even when my Mum was referred for her AD he became angry because he thought it was all about him and that she was going talk about him to people.

When my Dad had one of his assessments the psychiatrist asked how things were, my Dad said fine, and I had to speak up and I said, well actually they're not - x, y, and z happens. My Dad looked at me and said "Who are you, how dare you say that, you don't live here". But it was soon forgotten - you must remember that.

In the end Dad was glad - he thought the pills he was prescribed were going to make his memory better.

Please let us know how it goes.

 

[Onlychild39]

hello all, well letter dropped off at the Gp and went to the support group for the 1st time. Yes I cryed but it was ok. Met 4 other people and a physchiatric nurse who has given me some ideas of how to get dad to accept this...infact when I spoke to Dad earlier and said he could claim allowances for this and maybe a reduction in his council tax he seemed to start to listen ... just need to research what benefits he may be able to claim.

 

[Grannie G]

Well done.
You have made contact with the right people who can help and inform. You are now in a position to take this information home to your father. He is beginning to take notice. You can only move forwards.

 

[ChrisH]

Hi Onlychild
I've only just discovered this forum and this is my first post. I too am an only child and mum lives 200 miles away. The letter I wrote to mum's GP was the hardest letter I've had to write in my life, but it's turned out to be one of the best. You've done the right thing. I only hope the response you get is as good as the help I've had.
The GP was very caring and did the mini memory test. Mum only dropped a couple of points, though some of her other answers were a bit long winded, and I was expecting him to say it was just old age and there wasn't really a problem. Instead he said he would refer her to a consultant psychiatrist.
She had an appointment in about 3 weeks. But even before she'd seen him an occupational therapist and a social worker had been to visit mum.
By the time we saw the consultant I thought mum had got a bit worse and he spotted a couple of odd symptoms with her gait as well as a slight tremor. She also drew a clock for him that would have made Salvador Dali jealous! He decided to send her for a scan because her symptoms were atypical for Alzheimers. The results came back as 'mixed dementia'. She'd apparently had a stroke sometime - I've since been told by her friends of an incident a couple of years ago where she went for a lie down one afternoon (something she never does) and woke up the next morning still fully dressed and with windows open and doors unlocked! So that's led to vascular dementia. However I was also told her brain had shrunk more than it should have done for someone her age (82) and that this is a sign of Alzheimers - so a double whammy!
She now has weekly visits from either the occupational therapist or a support worker who are falling over themselves to help her, and are trying to get her to accept someone going in daily to make sure she takes her tablets and see if she needs any help. I requested, and receive, copies of all her appointment letters so I can arrange to go up with her if possible. Being self-employed and having a family makes that difficult. I'm very lucky that she lives on a mobile home site and has good friends who keep an eye on her. Dad died 15 years ago - but he would have been useless and wouldn't have been able to cope at all. He was bad enough with physical illness - goodness knows what he would have done in this situation.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will get the same kind of help where you live. Is this one of those illnesses where it's a bit of a lottery depending on where you live as to the care available?
Good luck.
Chris

 

[Carolynlott]

Hi ChrisH
Welcome from another only child (with both parents with AD). Your experiences sound as if they have been excellent - there are so many on TP that will be very envious as we usually feel we are banging our heads against brick walls.

Having said that I think I made a breakthrough today with a GP at Mum's surgery who phoned me and was SO helpful and understanding I almost cried - also she did her training with Mum's psychiatrist, so I feel a lot happier tonight that someone has actually taken an interest and is treating Mum as a person and not as just a problem.
Best wishes,
Carolyn

 

[Short girl]

Hi onlychild

I really can't add any more other than as most others have advised; you need to either write to or speak with your parent's GP or nurse practitioner about your concerns as it sound as if they do need help before a crisis situation develops - they could just call round on the pretence of calling for a health MOT - by crisis situation I mean a medical emergency, which health professions would like to try to avoid.

As you have found out, you'll get lots of support here - it sounds like you are doing your best - I understand your situation from being an only child as I am the only closest relative to my Nan who is capabable and willing to support her. My Uncle is retired, but lives in Cananda - my Aunt lives several miles away and signed off sick with depression and not likely to work again and me? I work full time and am mother to a 9 year old - my mother died 6 years ago. There is just not enough hours in the day and days in the week!! My husband's support is variable as he suffers minor depression, but a lot of it is his anger at how it's all fallen upon me and that my Uncle and Aunt have somehow 'abdicated' responsibility by moving!
Take care

 

[Onlychild39]

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies to me. Well at last the GP is going to visit mum and dad tomorrow - she is aware of all my concerns and knows to expect that dad will say all is ok and he is managing and mum will just say that she is fine.. The doctor phoned yesterday and made the appointment for tomorrow with dad. Dad has not mentioned anything to me ... my conscience is now saying should I be there when the doctor arrives or should I let her go as Dad may open up more without me being there ...Friends advice its 50/50 I dont know what to do for the best .. If I turn up at lunchtime this will be totally out of character for me to visit and may put dad on his guard more than ever. I am thinking to let the doc go and wait and see the report, she did ask if they have a social worker and said it would be a good start so hopefully she will talk him round to accepting this for mum ..

 

[Grannie G]

IF it would be obvious to your father that you are visiting out of your normal routine, I would stay away.
The only good reason for you to go would be if your father would co-operate with any prompts you offered, but it doesn`t sound as if he would.
But I do hope the doctor will discuss her findings with you.

 

[calyn]

I hope things improve for you

Hello Onlychild,

I, too am an only child, with a dad of 82 with Alzheimer's, and a mum of 86 who is still having a hard time accepting dad's illness six years on from the diagnosis.

Neither of them want help, although as I have just said in another thread I am seeing some changes recently in my dad which means I'm going to write to dad's GP and update him with the situation.

You have a huge amount of stress on you, especially as you are working full-time as well. Do your employers know of your situation and are they sympathetic?

You have done the right thing by contacting their GP. I know it feels sneaky but they both need help. You have to make lots of decisions on their behalf now, and I think this role reversal of the parent child situation is very difficult.

You have made a start in getting some help. Try not to feel guilty as all of you need help and support. I hope it works out and you get the help you all need.

Will keep reading to see what happens.

Love, calyn

 

[Onlychild39]

Mum has died

I cant believe it has happened and so quick. Seems ironic that I have just started to get things moving and getting support and my dear mum died yesterday morning. Dad found her slumped upstairs on the toilet, called an ambulance and was taken to A & E where she has scan and xray to find it was her heart.her aeorta had enlarged and was leaking blood into her lung chamber making her breathing even more difficult than normal. She died a few hours later but because I had messed up and given my mobile number wrong with the shock and dad didnt hear the phone ring we were not there at the time. Maybe I didnt realise she was so close to passing away or I would not have left the hospital - the doctots said there was nothing that could be done just time but to have not been there i dont know how i am going to cope with that thought in the coming weeks, I am crying as I am typing this i feel so bad to have not been with her at the end.

 

[Grannie G]

I am so sorry to hear your news. Please accept my condolences.

Do not blame yourself for anything. What happened was meant to be and you did your best at all times.

Take care of yourself and remember talking Point will be here for you as long as you need it.

 

[Onlychild39]

thank you Sylvia and to all the people that have responded to my post - i found this site very comforting and helped me find strength to write the letter to the gp a few weeks ago and start to make a difference - at least now she is in peace and is free from this terrible disease and my dad can have some time for himself now. I feel remarkably calm and in control - is this normal ? I have a few tears and then stop. Should I go back to work before the funeral - that isnt until the 21st - I feel I should be with Dad helping him to come to terms with things, so I think I should stay off.

 

[Grannie G]

I think you should do whatever feels right for you. There are no rules.
I`m pleased to hear you are feeling calm and in control, it is probably because you know your mother`s ordeal has ended and her suffering is over.
Do not be surprised if you do have a reaction once the funeral is over. So many people manage to keep going while they have arrangements to make. When it is all over and you and your father begin to recover, you might have a difficult time. But then again you might not.
Just play it by ear.
I hope your father will be all right. He may struggle to come to terms with your mother`s death, as he he has been in such denial about her condition.
Love xx