My mother has dementia and it’s breaking me down

[Rolestrain]

Hello everyone
I joined today in hopes to just gain some support. My mother is 75 and she is without a doubt a sweet lady, but she have dementia. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor when she was 50 that left her blind. Long story short she took chemo and radiation but her faith healed her, she regained her vision and She does not have cancer any longer . 2 years ago she suffered a stroke that left residual affects of her entire right side. Because she drags her leg, she fell a year ago and hit her head on the corner of the tv stand and ended up with 2 sub-dural Brian bleeds. She does not trust doctors and never have. Her faith in God is strong and what keeps her going. She has become a hoarder , she is manipulative, selfish, rude, and treats my dad who is her main caregiver like trash! It infuriates me and when things don’t go her way it is hell to pay. She is making it hard for me to be in the same room with her for more than 30 secs. The hardest thing for me is How do I deal with her when she lies and tell other people how bad dad treats her ?
She has poor memory, she is incontinent of urine and stool, doctors told us years ago she was in early Alzheimer’s. She has not been diagnosed with dementia but has every sign! She won’t listen. It’s her way or the highway. Is there anyone else having his problem?

 

[canary]

Hello @Rolestrain and welcome to Talking Point. Dementia is difficult to deal with when you first come across it - there is a very steep learning curve.

First off, Id like to explain that Alzheimers is in fact a form of dementia - there are others, like vascular dementia, Lewy Bodies and Picks, but they are all types of dementia, so if your mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimers then this means she has dementia.

All the things that you have mentioned - hoarding, rudeness, lack of empathy, and incontinence are all symptoms of dementia/Alzheimers. Dementia is so much more than memory loss. One of the hardest things to cope with, in my opinion, is the way that they are usually so rude about their main carer and frequently make up untrue stories about them. They are not doing this on purpose, though. One of the symptoms of dementia is anosognosia - which is where they are totally unable to comprehend that they have anything wrong with them, so if there are problems (and deep down they know there are) they dont recognise that they are the source of the problems, but think it is because of their carer. The other thing is the made up stories - this is call confabulation and it is also not done on purpose - it is the damaged brain producing false memories that they think are true. If you can say to yourself - this is not mum, it is the dementia, this will help.

You might find this link helpful in knowing how to respond to your mum
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Rolestrain
a warm welcome from me too
canary has given you a good explanation of your mum's presentation, many of us have faced similar situations and will recognise what you describe
does your dad have some help, some home care visits, to give him a bit of a break - if not, do contact their Local Authority Adult Services to arrange an assessment of your mum's care needs and have a care package suggested
I appreciate that your mum may want things done her way, however there comes a time when what she needs, and what your dad needs, is priority and it's worth working out ways to stealthily put support in place whether she likes it or not
and the nasty stories ... you know they are untrue so pretend they are rain and put on a metaphorical raincoat, maybe just note the gist of what she says in case there is something to deal with, then let it all drip away - have a quiet word with anyone she speaks to this way so they know you are aware and appreciate their understanding of this tricky situation for you all (let them feel they are helping you)
and without having an argument do at times let her know she has spoken out of line and you will not keep her company if she continues, put it to her simply eg 'mum that's not nice and I won't sit with you and listen to it' then leave for a while ... but go back later with a cuppa and biscuit (or some treat/distraction) and a smile, as though nothing has happened ... if she starts again, don't engage with her, if she continues just leave the room ... and repeat - not easy, I know; we have to somehow find routines we can use as the person themselves is no longer able to be flexible