My mother fell again this morning and is in hospital. I awoke to a call from the emergency line (thing she wears around her neck) that my mother had fallen in her home and pressed the buzzer for them. They were on their way and needed the keys. I ran to her house to find the ambulance and all streets cut off around it. I must have been hysterical because I was banging on the ambulance door over and over thinking she was in it … like the last times. It was like deja-vu ... when she almost died and I was with her in the ambulance and she had a heart attack ... like the stroke ... like the CHF complications and breathing and swelling ... and all the falls, fractures, and hospitalizations. In and out and in and out. She is so tired. So am I. It's just too much. My health is poor and I have difficulty just dealing with self-care. I am trying. I do care. But, I am not doing the things I should be doing other than cooking & shopping for her and trying to be there in crises/ I am not a real carer living with her or having her live with me, like I should be. The guilt is all-consuming. Please forgive my rambling. I ran into her building to find the police and the medics all around the door banging on it and unable to get in. I had the keys but could not do it. They could not open the door either. What is wrong with me. They broke down the door completely. I ran in to my mother and found her on the floor and it was all I could do not to burst into tears for I saw “the end” in her face. Her illnesses have ravaged her and I was in shock. The medics were asking for her insurance cards; I did not know where she keeps them. Told them the hospital knows her (they know her too well). I felt angry with everyone there. Now my husband is at her home trhing to get the door replaced as it is just a flat in a large building and my brother is at the hospital. And, I am a loser. I am in my home crying and feeling like I can’t do it any longer. I cannot watch this any longer. Life is cruel. I feel completely alone in this. Dysfjunctional family, husband who has no soul and I am so overwhelmed I feel like I am losing my mind. My brother is at the hospital with her right now and I cannot bring myself to move. I feel frozen. I know how crazy this sounds, but someone, please talk to me.