1. Gee

    Gee Registered User

    Jun 23, 2004
    I just wanted someone to know, someone to talk to. My dear Mother Nellie, passed away on the 26th July. But I am much too raw to talk about how she suffered the last three weeks of her life. Because what her alzheimer's did to her, it felt as though she was my child, not the other way round. And I feel like I have lost my child. She looked to me for everything, and I do mean everything, so I feel terrible that I could'nt go with her to show the way, talk for her so that people would understand what she wanted. Ask them for whatever she needed. I feel lost, tearful. Battered, weak. I feel as though I have been through a war, and I lost. I am sorry I cannot write any more, but I just wanted someone to know. I lost my Mother.
    From Gee.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Thinking of you in this awful time.
    Take care
  3. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Gee

    Thinking very much of you and how bereft you are feeling.

    Many kind wishes
  4. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    Dear Gee

    Deepest sympathies. I'm sure you were a great source of strength and support to your mother. The very fact she looked to you for everything meant she may not always have been aware of exactly whom you are, but she knew in her heart you were a safe person for her. She obvioulsly felt your love, strength of spirit and support for her. Feel hers now for you in your heart.
    Write down how you feel, it will help you heal and someone is always experiencing the same emotions here, this may be a site where you can't see faces but you can read all of our hearts and souls, and they are pretty much experiencing all of the same emotions and fears. Share away and you will feel better and be supported.
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hello Gee

    as with all the other replies, you have my sympathy.

    You say you feel as though you have been through a war, and lost.

    How so?

    Think of it this way: your Mum has gone, in body, and that leaves a raw hole bigger than can be described.

    But she is still with you in your heart and, with time, you will see her life in balance, with the happier times to the fore, and the last few weeks will fade.

    Your Mum is now free of Alzheimer's, and though sad, it is a victory of sorts, because she is no longer suffering.

    You cared for her and she will have known that, even if she may not have been able to tell you. That's certainly not defeat.

    Your Mum will live as long as you are there to remember her, and can tell others what sort of person she was. They in turn will remember.

    Grieving takes time. Take that time.

    And do feel free to tell us how you are getting along, for there will be others who will pass the same way, and you can help them.

    One thing I think we all have found is that, in trying to help others, we help ourselves too.

    My best wishes.
  6. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    Dear Gee

    you gave her so very much - don't worry about what you didn't give. Above all else she had your love and she will have taken that with her.

    Be strong - yes you will be - maybe you're not feeling it just yet - but the strength that got you this far will return.

    Keep safe your memories - soon you will begin to grasp the good ones that have been smothered by the hell of alzheimers.

    Thinking of you
  7. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Gee,

    My deepest sympathies to you in your loss.

    Take comfort in knowing that you have given your very best care and attention at a time when your mother needed you most.

    Better days will come again, however bleak life seems at present. May you once again find happiness in beautiful memories.

  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dear Gee, so very sorry to hear of your loss, I too lost my mum just a few weeks ago. You were as you say in a role reversal, I know that well and in a way you have lost a child as well as a mum so it is twice as hard. But it will pass, you have done the very best you could and believe me, your mum knew that. Even if she couldn't say, she knew. I know because it was the same for me. You feel angry, useless, but you weren't, you were her rock, her mainstay. Be gentle with yourself, you loved and cared for her and you did all you could but this ruddy disease makes us all feel so inadequate, especially when our loved ones are in the last stages. Try to focus on your mum before the illness, on happy memories of you and she together, some days it helps me get through, I hope it helps you too. All the time you have those memories, you have your mum in your heart.
    Love, She.XX
  9. eden

    eden Registered User

    Nov 23, 2003
    Dear Gee

    I do know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my mum on 11 August, almost exactly 2 weeks ago, also suffering with Alzheimers. I thought I had done the grieving over the past few years as I slowly lost the personality she was, I thought it wouldnt hurt this much when it happened - but the pain and sense of loneliness is terrible. I keep thinking of that line in the Robbie Williams song about 'there is a hole in my soul'. I want a nationwide public mourning for what has just happened - which is monumental and life-changing for me and my father.

    My mum also suffered so badly the last few weeks and days. People keep saying 'dont torture yourself' thinking of it, but I think these images will take a long long time to fade. I seem to have lost all the good memories.

    My dad is berating himself for what he 'could have done' or 'should have done' but I think down that way madness lies - we did our best,

    lots of love
  10. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Eden,

    'Could have' and 'Should have's' are so guilt motivating, so don't beat yourselves up so much. You did ALL that was possible to comfort and ensure that your Mother was cared for to the total very best of your abilities

    Your Mother would have been so proud of you and is at peace now. Try and find some peace and comfort for yourselves too.

    Very kind wishes, Jude
  11. Gee

    Gee Registered User

    Jun 23, 2004
    My Mother Died

    To everyone who sent message'
    Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and the sympathy that you have all shown. You will never know how much your words of comfort mean to me.
    I know what I am going through is not unique to me, and I do truly sympathise with everyone in this same boat with me. Part of why I feel so bad is that whilst alive, I had looked after her for ten years since Dad died. My Husband and I really gave up our own lives to care for her. My three sons helped when they could and in her last weeks two of them spent every minute with me helping to care for her. The only bits they didn’t do was the very personal things. They were like my rocks and I am so very proud of them. I did everything I could for Mum, and yet when she died I could not protect her from the system. She suffered so much in that last three weeks with me begging for help, begging for someone to take her pain away, and being told by Doctors,
    (1) “No I can’t come out, give her an aspirin for the pain”.
    (2) “Put another pain patch on her and I’ll call you tomorrow”.
    (3) “No the hospice doesn’t deal with Altzheimers patient they only help aids and cancer patients. ( and yet he works with the hospice nurses))”.
    Our family Doctor left her to die like a dog, and if it wasn’t for a district Nurse happening upon our plight Mum would have died in terrible pain. She was appalled when she saw what Mum and we had been going through. She contacted the local hospice who descended upon us like angels after three weeks of hell. Mum only had pain relief for two and half hours, but she died peacefully, with love all around her.
    The other part of my grief is that on top of all this,I phoned my sister in Australia to tell her Mum was dying and she was suffering could she come and help. I explained every time I have to move her she was in terrible pain, and although the boys were there trying to help in those moments when she had to be moved another female would ease her pain. My sister first wanted to know “What do you want me to give up my life here, to come and support you. My Husband would not like me to be away for six months, she ask me what I would do if I were in her shoes. I said I would be on the first plane over to help my Mother”, of course this upset her, and needless to say she did not come to help. But she did say she would come over when Mum died, because she felt she could say her good byes better then. Then she phoned my brother to tell him I had been nasty to her on the phone. Mum died and she came over. We, the whole family did not say how hurt we were for poor Mum, how we felt she had let her down when she needed her two daughters most, we kept everything on an even keel, putting our grieving to one side for the month. Well my sister had a lovely month long holiday, did lots of shopping and took lots of photographs of the family and went back today saying she loved me very much. These factors are what have left me feeling I’d been in a war zone. But you are all right when you say talking makes it a little better. Thanks for hearing me, I am really grateful for you all. Gee
  12. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Gee,

    Sometimes siblings can be a real pain in the butt, can't they? Still, I suppose we have to give some of them the benefit of the doubt in that they might be totally hopeless at caring - or just too frightened by the whole issue. I'm so pleased that you have such caring family close to you who have been such a strength and help.

    I've had to leave my husband and my little hotel in Bali to come back to the UK to care for my parents, mostly on a full time basis every year. I have one brother who isn't much good at caring for himself, let alone anyone else.... He's a nice chap, but totally unreliable in many ways. He promises to ring my parents and forgets. He arranges to come and visit and then doesn't arrive and we hear nothing for weeks on end. He's supposed to be coming down to visit us over the Bank Hols, but I haven't heard from him for at least 10 weeks. He lives in Cumbria, has no land line and his mobile phone is always turned off.

    The oldies have been looking forward to his visit for ages and they will be severely disappointed if he fails to arrive, which is what happened on May Bank Hols this year. I've got my fingers crossed.

  13. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dear Gee, oh how I understand! My mum suffered too and it was hard getting the pain control we needed for her, I still feel bad about it but she died without pain like your mum and as you say, surrounded by love. Thats the best we all can do, we are only human and your best is the most you can give , you certainly did that. But you have to move on, put it down to Karma or whatever but don't let it gnaw at you, let your hurt and anger go it can't change things and will just upset you over and over. I was an only child so it was my husband and son who had to be the other pairs of hands even for the grotty bits like your wonderful husband and sons. I said to mum, now I know they are big and a bit clumsy, but they love you and you must think of us all as just nurses with lots of extra love to give. She never got embarrassed and neither did they, just gloved up and got on with it. As for the family members who don't pull their weight, as I said, Karma. You had something special with your mum that can never come again, you were there when she passed with love around her.
    Love She. XX
  14. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Sheila and Gee,

    I'm so lucky in that both of my parents are still with me. Gee, I've read your posts and feel quite inadequate to reply sometimes, because I can't begin to know just how you feel right now. It will come later. All I can do, is offer sympathy and a bit of TLC and just hopes that it helps in some small way, to know that I'm thinking of you and your family.

    Sheila - your post was so caring and it made me weep. I am taking all your good advice on board, in the hope that I'll remember this for later.

    Thank you both so much for posting your heatfelt emotions.

    Best wishes


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