My Mother and the money

[MrsMoose]

My 94 year old mother had told me that my younger brother would visit me with 'a present' and that this 'present' was identical to one she'd given to both him and my older brother.

I understood that the gift was money, and was slightly surprised because in the past she has either sent me a cheque or done a transfer with BACS. Her sight isn't good but my older brother assists her with online banking.

Anyway today my younger brother showed up. The present was a sealed envelope containing 40 £10 notes which my brother wanted me to count so that my mother could then be told she'd not made any mistake and everyone had got the same.

There was an accompanying note saying.:-

'........ I need to explain why I have all this cash.

Over the years I have gradually built up a cash fund to keep at home in case I need immediate access to money in case of sudden need. (I gradually changed all the notes into the current issue.) My intention has always been to pass this money on to you and (Older brother's name) and (Younger brother's name) if it was not needed for unexpected purposes.

There has been no need for me to spend any of it and the great majority of businesses want to be paid by card or possibly cheque. Also I have been reluctant to pay such a large sum in new notes into the bank so that I could transfer it to you by that route because the bank just possibly might ask how I acquired all these new notes! But I'm sure that you will manage to get rid of it bit by bit!'

I was rather worried to think that my mother must have had £1200 in cash in her flat.

It reminded me of my father in law who had dementia and would stuff £10 notes in his books, in case his cleaner or carer found money and stole it. (They were absolutely trustworthy and then my father in law forgot where h hid the money and worried it had been stolen.)

It just add so the feeling that my mother is not making good judgments. Neither of my brothers appear to find any problem with her behaviour at all and just say how well she is doing.

I just feel a bit hopeless and worried, despite my mother's generosity.

I would welcome other people's thoughts and ideas.

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Before diagnosis, Mum was making regular trips to the bank and withdrawing £200-300 at a time. She'd shove the money in a drawer, forget all about it then go and get more.
I think I ended up removing about £700 along with her cheque book. I've kept the money and when family members buy things on her behalf, the cash is used to refund them.
Mum complained bitterly about the loss of her cheque book but once she realised that there's always money in her purse, she was happy. She still has her debit card but as she didn't use it during the lockdown, she's forgotten the pin number.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hello @MrsMoose and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I am not sure what to make of what you have said. It is unusual certainly but the note seems to clarify why she chose to act in this way. You don't say whether the note was written recently or sometime ago. I am not sure that on its own it suggests not making good judgements. Do you have other concerns about things that she has said, done or not done that perhaps suggest a pattern of unusual behaviour? There may be others along shortly to give you a better-informed opinion.

 

[RosettaT]

My father who didn't have dementia at all, had £1400 in his sock drawer that no-one knew about not even my mother until he was hospitalised and we packed a bag of clean clothes for him.
My father never had any wages paid into the bank and only in the later years was his pension paid in. I think having a stash close by just gave him reassurance.

 

[Banjomansmate]

She sounds pretty logical to me! She can make gifts of £2000 ( maybe more now) in any tax year so I would say “What a lovely idea, thank you very much Mum”.

 

[Jessbow]

Its a generation thing, I think.

My father always withdrew cash, always had money left at the end of the month. Went in the sock drawer.
Distributed from time to time amongst the kids

 

[Bunpoots]

She sounds fine to me @MrsMoose

 

[Lemondrizzle]

We found considerably more than that when MIL died and that was after I had previously removed money from the house. Likewise with my aunt - we found money hidden in the house.

 

[MrsMoose]

Thanks. It's more this feeling, it isn't quite my mother. She is quite a cautious person. I certainly never have been aware of her hoarding up cash before, and I can't see why she felt she needed to do this. She is in very sheltered housing. She only really goes to very local shops including a supermarket, where I think she pays for small items by card. (My brother does her main shopping.) A bill for services at her accomodation will be settled via direct debit When my father in law who had dementia was in a similar place, the Warden tried to encourage residents not to hoard cash, because they then became very agitated if they misplaced anything. (Staff or visitors were then thought to have taken the money.)

 

[Susan11]

Thanks. It's more this feeling, it isn't quite my mother. She is quite a cautious person. I certainly never have been aware of her hoarding up cash before, and I can't see why she felt she needed to do this. She is in very sheltered housing. She only really goes to very local shops including a supermarket, where I think she pays for small items by card. (My brother does her main shopping.) A bill for services at her accomodation will be settled via direct debit When my father in law who had dementia was in a similar place, the Warden tried to encourage residents not to hoard cash, because they then became very agitated if they misplaced anything. (Staff or visitors were then thought to have taken the money.)

Well at least she was giving the money to you and your brothers! When I found money in my parents' house and suggested we put it in the bank to make sure it was safe Mum said loudly that she'd rather give it to the neighbour. I have to admit that made me even more determined to put it in the bank. I like to think the neighbour wouldn't have taken it but you can never be sure!

 

[Dimpsy]

My dad was housebound, and it was quite a journey for mum to get to the bank. They kept a supply of cash for when the window cleaner or gardener worked. Maybe they had sponsored a neighbour or grandchild fundraising and having a little supply of cash eased their minds.

OH and I do the same, we have a little ready cash, ready for our children who might need a bit of help, granddaughter's piano / sweetie money or the Save the Children etc charity envelopes that used to be collected, although those seem to be a thing of the past now.
I'm sure your mum would have been the same and now realises she doesn't need that resource any more. A caring and sensible mum.

 

[canary]

Mum kept stashes of cash around her home as part of her dementia, so I can see where you are coming from, but if there are no other signs of dementia I wouldnt worry. All the while she has capacity she can do what she likes with her money.

Just keep an eye on things, though.

 

[Havemercy]

When my mother died and we were clearing the property (rented flat) we found £2,400 under the mattress. I think she was worried about having a "pauper's funeral" and this money was her way of reassuring herself that this was not going to happen. It certainly helped towards a very good send-off.

 

[Keith_Hobbs]

My Mum went through a period during the early part of lockdown where she kept on wanting to go to a cash point despite me warning her that most shops weren't thrilled at accepting cash. When I pushed back and asked her what she wanted the money for there was no real answer. She then dropped it, only for me to find out she'd phoned my brother to ask him the same question,
However, in the latter part of lock down she has been more staying in so this hasn't been so much of a problem. Not sure what will happen when all restrictions are lifted, and whether she can remember her pin number!

 

[Keith_Hobbs]

One other thought. For those whose family members still have capacity try and get them to agree for you to have power of attorney. My brother and I did it ourselves without involving a solicitor. Well worth it. We've locked Mum's bank account down so that if fraudsters phone her up and she discloses her account details the bank stops the transaction straightaway. This is Nat West using their banking app that allows her to use the card in the shops but not for ordering stuff over the phone or by mail order.

 

[itsmeagain]

.

 

[itsmeagain]

One other thought. For those whose family members still have capacity try and get them to agree for you to have power of attorney. My brother and I did it ourselves without involving a solicitor. Well worth it. We've locked Mum's bank account down so that if fraudsters phone her up and she discloses her account details the bank stops the transaction straightaway. This is Nat West using their banking app that allows her to use the card in the shops but not for ordering stuff over the phone or by mail order.

Only problem with that is if a burglar got card and went to a shop with it.

 

[George1991]

Wish we had put power of attorney in place
It’s too late now
we have to apply for court of protection & it’s so complicated & costly

 

[Jackie Sparks]

Wish we had put power of attorney in place
It’s too late now
we have to apply for court of protection & it’s so complicated & costly

I was in the same boat.I was the main carer for both my parents until my dad became very ill.I used to sort out all there finances but it all changed so quickly I had to get a court of protection which took me 14 months,the solicitor alone cost 5,800 without all the money I paid to the court.Nightmare of a time as my mum was now in a care home and my dad died in the same home and I couldn't ascees there savings as my mum was self funding.It was contantly people chasing me for money so used what little savings i had as I'm an oap myself.In the end I ended up owing 70 thousand pound to care home as my mum is self funding.A sorry state of affairs all my parents savings hv now gone and I'm in the process off selling the familly home.So sad my mum stated saveing when she first started working at 14 .Wishing you all the best with the court of protection

 

[George1991]

I was in the same boat.I was the main carer for both my parents until my dad became very ill.I used to sort out all there finances but it all changed so quickly I had to get a court of protection which took me 14 months,the solicitor alone cost 5,800 without all the money I paid to the court.Nightmare of a time as my mum was now in a care home and my dad died in the same home and I couldn't ascees there savings as my mum was self funding.It was contantly people chasing me for money so used what little savings i had as I'm an oap myself.In the end I ended up owing 70 thousand pound to care home as my mum is self funding.A sorry state of affairs all my parents savings hv now gone and I'm in the process off selling the familly home.So sad my mum stated saveing when she first started working at 14 .Wishing you all the best with the court of protection

I knew it would take some time to sort but not that long
thank you Jackie for your response much appreciated