My mother is truly amazing. She is so loved and she lived by the golden rule. We knew she never wanted to go into a home because she made it clear through the years. She also cared for my multiple handicap brother all his life. So we children arranged to care for her and our brother in her home. Our brother is doing well, but my mom is fading away.
Two weeks ago she was eating purée meals and ice cream. She took in 1800 calories a day easily. All of the sudden she simply stopped eating. Her body was limp when we moved her from her bed to her chair in the living room. She used to help support some of her own body weight. It’s as if her muscles simply stopped working at all.
Now she’s in bed, she doesn’t move, drink, eat, or open her eyes. She’s like sleeping beauty. Just laying there looking beautiful, but unresponsive. We decided it’s time for hospice. This paradigm shift is shocking. I find it completely counter intuitive to not give her food and water, but I know that she’s in the process of dying peacefully and that she won’t take it. I’ve offered gently, and she purses her lips tight. I smile because it lets me know she’s still in there. It has now been 3 days since she’s had food or drink and I’ve started finding myself waiting for her to die. I watch, I check, and I’m afraid to leave her side. I’m scared she will go when I’m not there to hold her hand. I sleep on the floor in her room. I cry a lot. I tell her it’s okay to go home when she’s ready. I tell her that we will take care of our brother. But she’s not going.
I didn’t realize that dying could take so long. I wonder if she’s suffering. I hate that age can’t tell me if she needs something. I even want her to go because Ill know she’s not suffering anymore. I wish I could no for sure that this is painless for her. I cannot imagine it feels good to be trapped in a body that can’t move of speak or communicate a need. Is she hungry but just can’t eat? Is she thirsty but can’t swallow? Is she scared? Is she aware she’s dying? Is she sad that we’re crying, even though we try not to in front of her? Not knowing the answers is what hurts me the most. Not knowing if she needs something and isn’t getting it really tears me apart.
I want her to go for her own sake. I want her to stay for mine.
But most of all, I just want her to not suffer for one second.
Two weeks ago she was eating purée meals and ice cream. She took in 1800 calories a day easily. All of the sudden she simply stopped eating. Her body was limp when we moved her from her bed to her chair in the living room. She used to help support some of her own body weight. It’s as if her muscles simply stopped working at all.
Now she’s in bed, she doesn’t move, drink, eat, or open her eyes. She’s like sleeping beauty. Just laying there looking beautiful, but unresponsive. We decided it’s time for hospice. This paradigm shift is shocking. I find it completely counter intuitive to not give her food and water, but I know that she’s in the process of dying peacefully and that she won’t take it. I’ve offered gently, and she purses her lips tight. I smile because it lets me know she’s still in there. It has now been 3 days since she’s had food or drink and I’ve started finding myself waiting for her to die. I watch, I check, and I’m afraid to leave her side. I’m scared she will go when I’m not there to hold her hand. I sleep on the floor in her room. I cry a lot. I tell her it’s okay to go home when she’s ready. I tell her that we will take care of our brother. But she’s not going.
I didn’t realize that dying could take so long. I wonder if she’s suffering. I hate that age can’t tell me if she needs something. I even want her to go because Ill know she’s not suffering anymore. I wish I could no for sure that this is painless for her. I cannot imagine it feels good to be trapped in a body that can’t move of speak or communicate a need. Is she hungry but just can’t eat? Is she thirsty but can’t swallow? Is she scared? Is she aware she’s dying? Is she sad that we’re crying, even though we try not to in front of her? Not knowing the answers is what hurts me the most. Not knowing if she needs something and isn’t getting it really tears me apart.
I want her to go for her own sake. I want her to stay for mine.
But most of all, I just want her to not suffer for one second.