1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Babydoll

    Babydoll Registered User

    Jan 26, 2016
    2
    What makes my mom think she owns the nh she is in? She tells people are trying to kill her and gets beat up at night. Said she wants to die and cares about nothing. Told me it didn't matter if I came up or not. Says place is evil. Does not eat, wants no lifesaving measures feeding tube, Dnr, no I've fluids. What makes the mind think these things? She is antisocial now,mean,swears as she has never done.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,714
    Female
    London
    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

    "They are scared all the time. Each patient reacts differently to fear. They may become passive, uncooperative, hostile, angry, agitated, verbally abusive, or physically combative. They may even do them all at different times, or alternate between them. Anxiety may compel them to shadow you (follow everywhere). Anxiety compels them to resist changes in routine, even pleasant ones. Your goal is to reduce anxiety whenever possible. Also, they can’t remember your reassurances. Keep saying them."
     
  3. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,126
    eastern USA
    It is so very hard not to take their anger and aggression personally, especially when they tell us we annoy them or worse.

    Your mother sounds like she is in a phase where aggression is the only way she knows how to express herself. When my sweet-natured dad got vascular dementia, he was forgetful at first and then developed sundown syndrome and didn't sleep for days and days. Like your mum, he finally fell, and all hell broke loose in his brain. I'm very sorry you are having to go through this, especially given what I understand to be your own very real health concerns.

    There is not much you can do for your mother now, as hard as that sounds. Now that she is in a care home, you take some time for yourself to heal from your own surgery and to clean out her place. Visiting twice a day, when all you see is aggression, is probably not helpful for you, nor even for her. Perhaps the care staff can apprise you when are her "best" times, and then you can arrange to visit her then.

    My heart goes out to you. My father was like this, and it just broke us all up to see him like that.
     
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    It is difficult for all of us to try to understand. I agree with Beate that it mostly stems from fear. Sometimes there is some foundation for the person being frightened and often a trigger. A close friend was in a nursing home and suddenly became aggressive. It turned out that one of the 'carers' had a new regime - she used to go into the bedrooms at night and shine a torch into the eyes of residents to 'make sure they were sleeping'!!!! Go figure ! and then stick her hands down their pants or trousers to 'see if the pad was wet". He became resistant to personal care and it was only talking to another resident that we discovered the cause. I'm not saying that it is anything as extreme as this or indeed is anything at all except in her mind but definitely reassurance is the way to go, constant reassurance.
    Jenny Downham wrote a wonderful article about her mum - she became aggressive and wouldn't let her into the house and shouted and swore and Jenny found a way through it with old photographs, photographs of the lovely person her mum had been before the dementia took hold. Sharing these photos triggered a calm in her Mother that nothing else could. Again, not the solution for everyone but responding to anger with calm and reassurance and distraction does often help.

    If your Mum wants a DNAR then she should have one and if she doesn't want any intervention then she should be allowed that too. It is a conversation that everyone should have with their relatives so that their choices can be taken into account. I feel the same and I have already written down my wishes and talked to my family because it will make it easier for them when the time comes :)

    The world of dementia is scary and unpredictable and it isn't easy for those of us who are closest but it is even harder for the person with dementia.
     

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