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My Lovely Pa (Dad)

Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
Hello everyone it has been a long time since I posted on the forum. You may think that it is a bit strange that I am posting now. It was the second anniversary for my lovely Pa this week. I just wanted to acknowledge and raise a glass to my Pa. My Pa was officially diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia in December 2019 by a MIBG iodine test and having a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and possibly Lewy Body in May 2019. I cared for my Pa with some carer input after a few months. I managed to get Pa a befriender to visit him for a couple hours when I was at work and a session at day care once a week when I was off work so Pa had some other company and I had some time to sleep, go for a walk washing etc.
Pa had quite a few falls including once down stairs after having a shower during the night as he had had an incident and had to be cleaned up. I could not stop the fall and felt awful. Dad was taken to hospital with a dislocated collar bone. Then in March 2020 lockdown happened and I was told to work at home to protect Pa. So the befriending and daycare stopped. Nephews had to wave to Pa through the window.
It was good to be working from home and being with Pa. I would pop into the sitting room and ask if he wanted a cup of tea and he would say yes if you don't mind 😊.
Two years ago Pa had fallen out of bed and I found him head down between the bed and bedside drawers. I got him lying flat on the floor and called family to see if they could help me with Pa but no answer at 1am. So I rang for an ambulance to help me. Pa was ok asking for help then when I went back upstairs to see him he had started to have a fit. So rang for emergency ambulance. They worked on Pa and took him away and I couldn't go with him due to the Covid situation. It broke my heart he looked so frightened. Pa was taken to ITU.. He was very poorly as he had aspirated and been in a fit for 45 minutes. I told the Dr not to give up on Pa as he still had some life in him. Pa survived ITU and came round with his speech and swallowing a little affected. I wasn't allowed to see Pa but used to ring him and chat and sing one of his favourite songs the 12th of Never. He used to sit at the nurses station and watch what was going on. He was doing ok then he fell out of bed and hurt his shoulder again. I wanted to see Pa but then two days later he deteriorated quickly and died before I got to the hospital. I had taken photos to show him but he had died. It was so surreal and I just wished I could have seen him in hospital to encourage him to eat comfort. I spent time with him singing to him and having quiet time with him then called my siblings and close friends . My siblings were allowed to come and see Pa. I was so calm. They wanted to do a postmortem on Pa but after discussing this with family and friends decided to leave Pa in peace. There was a query that he may have developed mesothelioma but he died before that was confirmed. There was no point finding out. My lovely Pa was a kind generous soul who loved his family , worked hard and hated injustice. He helped care for my lovely Mam when she was ill with cancer. Carrying her up and down stairs when she was weak. He would do owt to help people. I wrote the story of his life for his funeral which had to be held at the grave of my Mam with only 15 people supposed to attend but people hid amongst the trees. We played Katherine Jenkins the Lord is my Shepherd by Goodall and I watch the Sunrise recorded by an Irish choir. I read out the poem the Red Red Rose by Robbie Burns. I think I was numb and detached. One sibling was a great support..,.
It was hard looking after Pa in the end but I would do it again if he was still here. Though getting some sleep and time out would have been a great help. Pa was no bother pretty quiet until he had his challenging moments when he would try to hit me and call me worse than muck trying to get him changed for bed. It was his illness.nI did tell him what he had done when he was his usual self and he would say Never in the world sorry about that. He went wandering a few times which was a worry and another story. If he didn't want to do something he would say I don't think so...., I had to take him to daycare as he wouldn't get on the bus he still knew his own mind at times. . I told him every night that I loved him and would see him in the morning. Pa would say I hope so. He is a great miss. Thanks if you have got this far. Thinking of you all.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
67,141
0
71
Dundee
What a beautiful post @Tea and. toast. Your love for your Pa just shines through every word you have written. A lovely tribute to a lovely man.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.
 

karenbow

Registered User
May 24, 2021
89
0
hi tea & toast i haven,t posted in a while- lost mum and dad last year mum to alzheimers- but your post really wanted me to respond- your love for your dad shows so much and anyone who has left behind so much love must have been a very special person and a lot of what you said resonated with me - it is good that you,ve come back to post because there are many of us dealing with our emotions - i hope it helped to write your post - you must miss your dad terribly but what your dad left you shows you were a wonderful daughter x
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,935
0
Essex
Dear @Tea and. toast,

A lot of this resonates with me although dad passed away before lockdown dad passed away twenty-four hours after being admitted to hospital and just before Father's Day three years ago. His present was to be a series of photos to be put in an album but of course we never able to do this. Both of our dads are up there with our lovely mums.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,711
0
A fitting tribute to the special bond you had with your Pa. I am sure that you find comfort in remembering him with love.
 

Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
What a beautiful post @Tea and. toast. Your love for your Pa just shines through every word you have written. A lovely tribute to a lovely man.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts @Izzy. I wish I could have done more for my Pa. I wasn't the perfect daughter and did raise my voice even say a swear word or two when certain things happened. Which wasn't the norm for me or Pa. Pa was old fashioned no swearing in front of women or in the home. I always apologized to my Pa for this as it wasn't his fault I am glad that I told him that I loved him and hope that gave him some comfort.
I suppose what sometimes stays in my thoughts is the thought that my Pa may have thought that I had deserted him when he went into hospital and I could not see him. That breaks my heart. My Pa never complained even when he had a number of serious illnesses over the years which he dealt with stoically . I was always there for him and years ago the extended family who are no longer here.

I did the best that I could. Pa liked to go to the coast for fish and chips or tea and cake. When he was getting a bit more tired and unsteady on his feet I got him a wheelchair which we called his Chariot. It took some getting used to but was it was useful for hospital appointments andv if Pa had to walk a long way. Pa used to walk every where when he got older and got rid of his car..
Finally Pa had a lovely smile which he is remembered for. Pa was a bit cheeky too. Even when he was poorly. When he was coming round in itu he used to keep flicking the monitor off his finger. The nurses put Smooth radio on for him as I said he liked music. Then Pa used to hum to himself.
I will try to hold onto all the happy memories of Pa and my lovely Mam. Though sadness and now sometimes tears creep in from nowhere. My Pa always used to say before he was poorly, when are you going out next? Have fun. He wouldn't want me to be sad.

This forum has got me though some tough times and I thank you all for that.x
 
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Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
hi tea & toast i haven,t posted in a while- lost mum and dad last year mum to alzheimers- but your post really wanted me to respond- your love for your dad shows so much and anyone who has left behind so much love must have been a very special person and a lot of what you said resonated with me - it is good that you,ve come back to post because there are many of us dealing with our emotions - i hope it helped to write your post - you must miss your dad terribly but what your dad left you shows you were a wonderful daughter x
Hello @karenbow thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry that you lost both your Mum and Dad in such a short space of time. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you to lose both parents at once. Sending you a hug. I hope your happy memories of them will bring you some comfort.
It has helped me to post my thoughts. Both my Pa and I weren't perfect but I feel very lucky to have had such lovely parents.
It is a long time since my lovely Mam died but she is still a miss. Her anniversary is 5 days before that of my Pa. They married in June all those years ago so it is strange that they were reunited wherever in June.
My Pa is a big miss. The house is so quiet without his presence. The first time I went out with friends and he wasn't there when I got home was very emotional.
It was also strange and I felt lost that I didn't have to be a carer for Pa anymore and all that included as well as work part-time. No more making hospital , medical appointments, looking out for him , washing everyday, shopping for pull ups ( though had others pads at night) and bed pads making sure Pa had clean clothes towels everyday , bedding, staying up late , giving meds personal care when needed.
I miss my Pa's little ways On the first day of the month when he was well he used to say white rabbit three times when he got up and I do that now. He used to hum along to tunes on TV and go oh yeah at the end of CSI New York. He learnt to use the washer when my Mam died and iron his shirts Potter in the garden cut the hedges with a camber to prevent snow damage. Pa used to call me the Gaffa when picked him up from the club sometimes. Goodness knows what his friends thought. He lived for his grandchildren too and took my nephew to football when he was little. He used to go shopping for birthday cards for the family when Mam died. They were a smart couple when they were young.
I've recently just removed my Pas big coat from the banister and washed it. There are more than one plate and cutlery on the drainer so it feels like there is more than me at home. Sorry for going on.x
 

Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
Dear @Tea and. toast,

A lot of this resonates with me although dad passed away before lockdown dad passed away twenty-four hours after being admitted to hospital and just before Father's Day three years ago. His present was to be a series of photos to be put in an album but of course we never able to do this. Both of our dads are up there with our lovely mums.

Hugs

MaNaAk
Hello @MaNaAk thank you for your kind words. I remember when your Dad died. I had not long joined the forum and I was touched by your post. I think I had found some Forget me Not flowers in my garden for the first time which resonated with your post. That must have been so hard for you not being able to give your Dad such a thoughtful gift and losing him so quickly. I hope you are doing well as I know you went through a lot after your Dad sadly died.
I had photocopied photos of my Pa , the family when Pa married my Mam, when he was a paper lad and when Pa was in his army uniform with his friends when they were in National Service. I had photocopied the photos so the befriender and day care staff could chat with Pa. When I received the early morning call from the hospital I thought I would have time to chat to Pa and show him the photos but it was not to be. I had also photocopied some of the photos as Pa used to say they were his photos and put them in various places.. The photo copied photos were put in Pa's coffin with some other photos plus a little cute mouse dressed in jeans that a friend of mine gave Pa's when he was ill many years ago.
Yes both of our lovely Mams and Dads will be up there with friends and family. That is what I like to think. Sending you a hug too.
 
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Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
A fitting tribute to the special bond you had with your Pa. I am sure that you find comfort in remembering him with love.
Hello @ GillP thank you for your kind words. I try to hold on to the happy funny times that I had with Pa. He was quite a character. Thank you for thinking of me. Take care.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
425
0
😭😭 Both you and your Dear Pa sound lovely, @Tea and. toast I'm so sorry you didn't get to see him and show him your photos. It's such a shame, when you know how much he would have enjoyed them. A very similar situation happened to me when Mum died. I keep saying, "I wish you'd waited just one more day, so I could have said goodbye".💔

A lot of things in your posts really resonate with me. Including the not knowing what to do without having them to look after. Life feels a bit pointless sometimes. You know you're going to miss them when they're gone, but I hadn't realised just how much.
 

Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
😭😭 Both you and your Dear Pa sound lovely, @Tea and. toast I'm so sorry you didn't get to see him and show him your photos. It's such a shame, when you know how much he would have enjoyed them. A very similar situation happened to me when Mum died. I keep saying, "I wish you'd waited just one more day, so I could have said goodbye".💔

A lot of things in your posts really resonate with me. Including the not knowing what to do without having them to look after. Life feels a bit pointless sometimes. You know you're going to miss them when they're gone, but I hadn't realised just how much.
Hello @DreamsAreReal thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to read my posts. I am sorry that you did not get to see your Mum before she died, that is heartbreaking for you. I am sure that your Mum knew that you loved her. It is hard to imagine how things will be, how we will feel before we lose our loved ones. Then reality hits us.

I have felt at times that life seems a bit pointless too but then I try to pull myself round. Doing small things like going for a walk around and about ringing a trusted friend. Enjoying seeing a sunset or sunrise, looking out for birds in the garden. When I see a Blackbird in the garden or a feather I think of Pa. Though sometimes I feel a bit sad on a sunny day that Mam and Pa are not here to see it. Sounds a bit daft I know.
I just cut the front hedge the other week and I thought of Pa doing it when he was fit. I got a sense of satisfaction and comfort when I had finished the hedge, though it wasn't as great as when Pa cut it.🙄 Thinking I have my own safe space makes me feel lucky though still miss Pa. When Pa was well and he sensed something was up with me he used to say "what is ze matter?" with a bit of an accent.
I work with people so that keeps me going. I've just starting reading books again. I used to go to choir which I stopped before lockdown as I was too tired to go even though my brother used to come over to sit with Pa. Maybe one day I will go back. I used to be part of a walking club too but that stopped when I couldn't get all day cover for my Pa then lockdown happened. I need to get fit again to contemplate going on a walking club walk if they have space. I find it hard to look too far ahead and plan things anymore. Will get there one day.
I've got lots to do in the garden and in the house but it is getting round to doing them. I feel guilty sometimes that a couple of my friends are caring for their parents and are in the position I was in when caring for Pa, having little or no time to do things or go out without worrying about their parents. Here am I with time for me now. I will have to give myself permission to do nice things. It is hard, not sure what the answers are. Pa would not want me to be sad.
I wish you happiness and peace @DreamsAreReal. Some flowers in the garden for you and other members of the forum. My Pa used to be chief hedge cutter, trimmer of grass, roses and hydrangea! I did the flowers. We had some of the hydrangea at Pa's funeral.
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DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
425
0
When I see a Blackbird in the garden or a feather I think of Pa. Though sometimes I feel a bit sad on a sunny day that Mam and Pa are not here to see it. Sounds a bit daft I know.
Not to me, it doesn't. I feel the same. When it's a sunny day, I think how much Mum would love to come and sit in our garden and I wish she still could 😢

Thank you for your kind words and the flowers 💐😍. Blue Hydrangeas were my mum's favourite and pink roses are mine! 🥰

Best of luck with getting fit! xx
 

Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
Not to me, it doesn't. I feel the same. When it's a sunny day, I think how much Mum would love to come and sit in our garden and I wish she still could 😢

Thank you for your kind words and the flowers 💐😍. Blue Hydrangeas were my mum's favourite and pink roses are mine! 🥰

Best of luck with getting fit! xx
Thank you for your kind words too. I am glad you like the flowers. Take care.
xx
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,935
0
Essex
Hello @MaNaAk thank you for your kind words. I remember when your Dad died. I had not long joined the forum and I was touched by your post. I think I had found some Forget me Not flowers in my garden for the first time which resonated with your post. That must have been so hard for you not being able to give your Dad such a thoughtful gift and losing him so quickly. I hope you are doing well as I know you went through a lot after your Dad sadly died.
I had photocopied photos of my Pa , the family when Pa married my Mam, when he was a paper lad and when Pa was in his army uniform with his friends when they were in National Service. I had photocopied the photos so the befriender and day care staff could chat with Pa. When I received the early morning call from the hospital I thought I would have time to chat to Pa and show him the photos but it was not to be. I had also photocopied some of the photos as Pa used to say they were his photos and put them in various places.. The photo copied photos were put in Pa's coffin with some other photos plus a little cute mouse dressed in jeans that a friend of mine gave Pa's when he was ill many years ago.
Yes both of our lovely Mams and Dads will be up there with friends and family. That is what I like to think. Sending you a hug too.
I'm okay now @Teaandtoast although I still shed the occasional tear. My storage company sending my stuff including mum, dad and nana's off to landfill hasn't helped. However I've been receiving some nice messages from the eldest of my two brothers and I've been in contact with old family friends. The latter are enabling me to talk about memories that I can't talk to my brothers about.

Sending you hugs

MaNaAk
 

Tea and. toast

Registered User
May 8, 2019
68
0
Hello. @MaNaAk I am glad you are doing ok. I am sorry to hear ☹️☹️ that the storage company sent you and your families belongings to landfill. That must have heartbreaking. I am glad that you have had contact and lovely support messages from your eldest brother and old family friends. That must be comforting. Take care. Sending a hug.