My lovely mum went just went asleep

[Joancz]

Hi all,
My mums dementia worsened but she was in a happy little place, perhaps the happiest I've seen her for many years. She deteriorated quite rapidly and sadly passed in her carehome 10 days ago. We were lucky in so much were able to visit once she was bedbound.
Given that she passed during the day time, peacefully and with the staff at her side, I feel a sense of relief as I didn't want to see her suffer.
Im just not sure how I should be feeling right now? I feel 'normal' at times and feel as though I should remind myself to feel sad. I was very close to her, she was my world

 

[Old Flopsy]

No doubt you will feel numb and maybe not really 'feeling'. It sounds as if the way your mum passed is how many of us would wish for our loved one. May I suggest you keep a journal- record each day how you are feeling and your thoughts and memories. It may help.

 

[canary]

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. Just do what seems right

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Banjomansmate]

I find it always takes time to get your head around things after someone dies, especially when part of you knows it was the kindest thing that could happen to them if they had been suffering in any way. We don’t want to lose them from our lives but didn’t want them to continue in the way they were. You feel you ought to be wracked with grief yet you still have to continue living and that includes eating, talking, laughing etc.
Cry when you feel like it but try to find a small positive thing to hold on to help you through. It is OK to laugh as well as cry because you only have one life to live and you have to make the best of it.

 

[Irish2021]

Deepest sympathy on your loss, I've been there.

 

[Joancz]

No doubt you will feel numb and maybe not really 'feeling'. It sounds as if the way your mum passed is how many of us would wish for our loved one. May I suggest you keep a journal- record each day how you are feeling and your thoughts and memories. It may help.

Thank you for your reply. While I was in bed last night I decided to write to her, so I was thinking along the lines of what you said about keeping a journal.
When I think about it, writing a letter to her is not much different from anything I said to her while she was here, given the fact that she either wasn't listening or forgot what I said as soon as I had said it. That didn't stop me from talking to her, so I will write a little letter instead

 

[Evie5831]

It probably took me 6 months to really cry for my dad, I loved him with all my heart but the peace I saw in him after he passed sustained me for some time afterwards. Until I could put the horrors of the disease to one side and mourn MY DAD, the man he was when I was growing up, the man he was when I was an adult, a mother and grandmother I kept it all locked up. Your time to grieve will come when you are ready to handle it.
Big hugs to you

 

[Evie5831]

Thank you for your reply. While I was in bed last night I decided to write to her, so I was thinking along the lines of what you said about keeping a journal.
When I think about it, writing a letter to her is not much different from anything I said to her while she was here, given the fact that she either wasn't listening or forgot what I said as soon as I had said it. That didn't stop me from talking to her, so I will write a little letter instead

Maybe you can send the letter with her as she passes over on her funeral and celebration day

 

[Joancz]

It probably took me 6 months to really cry for my dad, I loved him with all my heart but the peace I saw in him after he passed sustained me for some time afterwards. Until I could put the horrors of the disease to one side and mourn MY DAD, the man he was when I was growing up, the man he was when I was an adult, a mother and grandmother I kept it all locked up. Your time to grieve will come when you are ready to handle it.
Big hugs to you

Thank you for your wise words, likewise my mum passed so peacefully and that gives me some comfort, but also dementia did not define her life, just the latter stages xx

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thank you for your reply. While I was in bed last night I decided to write to her, so I was thinking along the lines of what you said about keeping a journal.
When I think about it, writing a letter to her is not much different from anything I said to her while she was here, given the fact that she either wasn't listening or forgot what I said as soon as I had said it. That didn't stop me from talking to her, so I will write a little letter instead

Writing a letter is good and can be therapeutic. I write little notes to dad in my phone calendar, nobody else will see them and they are for me only. It is dads birthday today so I wished him happy birthday and told him that I miss him and that we will have fish and chips tonight for him. Crazy I know but it makes me feel better so why not.

 

[Joancz]

Writing a letter is good and can be therapeutic. I write little notes to dad in my phone calendar, nobody else will see them and they are for me only. It is dads birthday today so I wished him happy birthday and told him that I miss him and that we will have fish and chips tonight for him. Crazy I know but it makes me feel better so why not.

That's lovely, you are keeping him in your life in a way that makes you feel better. I feel less silly myself now. Hope you can have a little celebration for his birthday

 

[Duggies-girl]

That's lovely, you are keeping him in your life in a way that makes you feel better. I feel less silly myself now. Hope you can have a little celebration for his birthday

Thank you, we did, we had fish and chips.

 

[Izzy]

I’m sorry for you loss @Joancz. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.

 

[Ton3]

So sorry for your loss.
when my Mum died (she didnt have Dementia I am on here due to my MIL dementia) I was so full of grief I could hardly talk without crying, eventually in between those sad moments I have wonderful funny moments remembering times spent with Mum.
I dont keep a journal but I Have continued to send postcards from our holidays as they were always specific ones that Mum loved (I address them to her name c/o Heaven, Mum believed even if i dont)
who knows what the Spanish postal system think!!
Also every now and then I will have one of my Mums fave meals (cod roe and chips!) and say this is for both of us Mum and it just makes me feel good.
We all grieve and handle loss in different ways and no one way is right or wrong as others have said so just take each day as it comes and do what brings you comfort whatever it is.

 

[Palerider]

My sincere condolences @Joancz

 

[Snuffette]

Very sorry for your loss - I love the idea of writing to your mum - a beautiful idea x

 

[Joancz]

So sorry for your loss.
when my Mum died (she didnt have Dementia I am on here due to my MIL dementia) I was so full of grief I could hardly talk without crying, eventually in between those sad moments I have wonderful funny moments remembering times spent with Mum.
I dont keep a journal but I Have continued to send postcards from our holidays as they were always specific ones that Mum loved (I address them to her name c/o Heaven, Mum believed even if i dont)
who knows what the Spanish postal system think!!
Also every now and then I will have one of my Mums fave meals (cod roe and chips!) and say this is for both of us Mum and it just makes me feel good.
We all grieve and handle loss in different ways and no one way is right or wrong as others have said so just take each day as it comes and do what brings you comfort whatever it is.

Hi and a late thanks for your lovely reply to my post. I havent been on here for a while, but it was nice to see some of the lovely responses Ive had. I hope your memories continue to keep you.going and good luck with you MIL and her journey xx